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Yup, this is my second time around. First time around I finally went into talk therapy and pdoc visits after a few suicide attempts and depression. Got diagnosed Bipolar I. I got a lot better. Decided I knew better, titrated myself off my meds, including my hypertension meds. Everything was okay for about a year. Then I started to get panic attacks here and there. Then my BP went into stroke range, got that under control with meds after almost stroking out. After a quick succession of life tragedies, went to my GP and she put me on Lexapro, just in case. Was on it for one day, then the wheels came off the wagon. Couldn't work, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I spent a week cowering in bed of pacing for hours on end. I was always either feeling like I was dying, someone was trying to kill me, or my meds were poisoning me. Dug through the cabinets and found my old meds. Started taking my old Seroquel and Xanax. Was able to return to work and pretend almost nothing was wrong, all the while still feeling like I was dying. Finally got into the pdoc's office this morning. She said I had gone hypomanic. I remember being manic, sometimes it was "fun." This, no fun. I stopped treatment last time because of the weight gain, brain fog, and my hair falling out. I would have given anything while in my hypomanic state to get that back. I might have been falling apart on the outside, but at least I didn't feel like I was going mad. She put me on a cocktail of meds. She actually said I had done the right thing by digging through the cabinets and trying to bring myself off the cliff. No docs have ever said that to me before. It was weird considering I was apologizing the whole time for attempting to treat myself. Hopefully things will work out. I just wanted to intro myself to the board. I had been lurking in my hypomanic state, trying to reassure my mind I was not dying, just going a little crazy. I'm a analyzer, and just typing makes things make more sense to me...

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