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What happened to ultra-radian cycling? And why

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Guest Guest_chinacat_*

I haven't even posted here in a while, tho I lurk and comment--been feeling really pretty good, very stable, new job is great, pretty resigned that we'll be here a while, we got a new van, etc. etc.

Then,--ah, you know what's coming, don't you, kiddies?--there goes that nasty ole bottom out of my life. It seems to be somewhat coordinated with a new computer system at work, not too hard, and almost always works (miracle that is) but the docs I work for and the office manager seem to change the rules daily. And the stress level, and number of phone calls I take, has gone up a bazillion. I have had TWO gen-u-ine anxiety attacks at work last week, another yesterday--and I am home today and fighting one.

All I want to do is sleep and eat and cry--ah, the ole friends return.

I know its related to "stress" and I know I have an entire 40 hour work week approaching (for you who just tuned in, I work 3 days a week, Mon-Wed-Fri in a OB/GYN office, triaging phone calls) I am up to 3 Klonopin a day, at my DOC's sugestion--and he is not a big med guy.

Thurs, I take off for a weekend in Atlanta seeeing people (like my dear ex-husband, who is really a dear, just very handicapped from strokes) and many other folks I have not seen in a while. Lots of scoializing, lots of whisky (spelled correctly) and etc. I am absolutely terrified. Hubby can't go, the bikers are in town, so I am flying to Memphis to then DRIVE to Atl. with my girl child. (Mothers do odd things) But just packing tonite is making my heart beat so fast I can't do anything without sitting down and just stopping.

Bottom line--here we go again, I KNEW I wasn't "cured" but I was so content with my unexciting but stable little life--was meeting people, going places, some, and actually behaving like a sane person. Ha. Batshhit time rolls around again, friends, lest we all forget that the good--and the bad--are only just passing thru.

Crazy just jumps up and slaps you in the face--"What, you think you can be a normal, sane person? Fool--I am i charge here."

And he is.

china (No, not a guest, been here longer than dirt--don't know why my computer hates, me, too)

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Hi China! Long time no speak. What can I say?

I've been reading a lot of psychiatry/psychoanalysis stuff lately, and it makes a lot of sense. Never mind why we are the way we are, the important thing is how we deal with it. According to the stuff I've been reading, a lot of psychotic illness (BP and SZ) is about a screwed up way of dealing with shit. It kind of works like this:

For some reason, I kind of think that bad shit happens to me more than normal people do.

When bad shit happens to me, it kind of reinforces what I knew.

So I react badly to it.

People around me notice that I don't handle shit well, so they keep their distance or make disapproving noises or try to 'help' me.

So that reinforces that I'm screwed up.

So I expect bad shit to happen. See above.

Anyways, the theory is that we (us BP folks) have two ways of dealing with shit: we go all introspective and blame ourselves and end up depressed, or we end up going into denial, putting on the cheerful face so much we believe our own bull and go manic (when it collapses, guess what? we get mixed states).

Was this leading somewhere? Probably. Stress fucks us up: we knew that. Screw 'Crazy' - what does she know? We just have to learn to see this crap coming and brace ourselves for it. Sometimes that's going to work, sometimes it won't. But we need to understand that when it doesn't work, that doesn't mean 'business as usual,' just that it was more than we could deal with at the time. If we realise that, we gradually start to chip away at the 'bad shit happens to me' belief system and next time it might be just a little easier to deal with.

As for the bikers, screw 'em! Sure, there's a few bad ones, but for the most part I've never met a more balanced, tolerant and accepting group of people. The crowd I hang with reacted to me telling them I was MI with, "Oh, shit, sorry to hear that. I know loads of people like that. So, tell me again about what you did to your bike..."

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ok, well, what about this: your period of quiet sanity proved it's possible! very possible for you, and i remember in previous posts you were despairing of it happening at all.

so now, we know stress is a trigger for you. computer stress, calls, etc. the problem is figuring out how to manage when you are having panic attacks and can't think straight, i know.

but i take it as a good sign that you HAD a good spell. shows you are capable of it.

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Oh. no problem with bikers--I hae been married to one for 35 years (well, 2, but whose countin)? Its that my hubby is not only a biker, and a certified Harley mechanic, he works in the Industry (he's a tech rep) so he has to work this entire week, and the week in March as well--I can't imagine living with a "normal "person"--

Yeah, its definately stress--but its also things here at home, which need to be sorted out. Mean while, I hyperventalate, gobble my Klonopin, my pdoc is out of town, and I'm going into what may be a very stressful weekend. Just had a meeting with my boss--sould feel better, dont'. Just want to sleep.

But hubby and I have got to settle this--he never signed on for this, and its like just having a roommate--I go to bed alone, get up alone, we sit ant night and listen to him bitch about his job, and my anxiety and craziness. This is NOT a marriage.

What to do? Deal with that next week--after all, next week is another week.

With that, I am off to Atlanta, fitting, huh?

love, china

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Hi China! Doesn't it just suck? I know how you feel. You are somewhat stable and functioning and then it sneaks up on you. The good thing about rapid/ulta-radian cycling is that if you wait a little bit, you will probably feel better for a while. And during that time, you can step back and re evaluate things. I osn't know if I am making sense, but i just wanted to let you know taht you are not the only one.

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