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Guest Guest_Frenchy_*

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Guest Guest_Frenchy_*

Hi Guys:

Seeking advice from someone with BPD. Little background. My wife has been diagnozed with BPD 5 years ago. Tried to help, be understanding with the depression, not place much pressure on her, and have her see both a Psychiatrist, psychologist, and even a marriage counselor.

As time wore on, she started binge drinking, partying, almost not caring at all for our son, going from Bed where she remained at all times, directly to clubs. Nothing I tried to do to help, including being supportive, and make sure she continued her treatment worked.

Last year, in fairly traumatic fashion, I learned she was having an affair. In short order, I learned she was not only having an affair, but several, in the same timeframe, both with women and other males, always african american. (My wife is white.) Again, I tried to be understanding, placing this on account of her BPD, and tried to find ways to keep her from binge drinking).

Despite her promise to start aknew, keep medicine going etc...the situation deteriorated to the point that I came close to losing it myself. For instance, she brought one of her boyfriends to my son's 10th B-Day party, another for a halloween Party, others whom unbeknown to me were her lovers to various dinners we had. During such events, when I had my back turned, friends told me she would criticize me and start making out with the individuals. Keep in mind we still lived together at that time.

Last May, we decided to separate. After several months of separation, she started telling me she made a mistake, was feeling better, that everything that happened stemmed from her BPD, and that she feels ashamed of what she did, although she never understood the consequences of her actions while we still lived together. She claims not remembering events, boyfriends, and begs me to take her back, arguing that she is sick.

I am now seeking some insight from you guys:

1-Is it frequent for someone with BPD to act in a fashion similar to my wife?

2-What would make her commit such hateful acts toward me and then have her desperate of coming back with me only several months post-separation?

Thanks for your help and thoughts.

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I can't tell you what is going on in your wifes head, only she knows it.

I do know that someone who says that they do not remember their mistakes, has never understood the consequences of what she did (I thought she had no memory of it? Which is it? She remembers and didn't understand the consequences, or has no memory of it?) and blames their behaviour on an illness instead of getting their shit together will make you unhappy.

I think deep down in your soul, you know that this is not enough of a decent apology to begin to make this up to you.

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Guest Guest_Frenchy_*

I can't tell you what is going on in your wifes head, only she knows it.

I do know that someone who says that they do not remember their mistakes, has never understood the consequences of what she did (I thought she had no memory of it? Which is it? She remembers and didn't understand the consequences, or has no memory of it?) and blames their behaviour on an illness instead of getting their shit together will make you unhappy.

I think deep down in your soul, you know that this is not enough of a decent apology to begin to make this up to you.

Not really worried about trying to go back with her at this point. Just trying to cope with what happen and try to understand what goes through the mind of a person with BPD (tough question to answer I guess).

For instance, is memory loss something common to someone having BPD? Seems like when we discuss, she has no memory of some of the really screwed up stuff she did. I find that fairly convenient, a way to avoid responsibility, but what do I know?

Second, while I understand, at least to some extent, the manic aspects of BPD, I am struggling with the fact that mood disorders & racing thoughts may lead to the desire of comitting adultery.

Thoughts from someone with insight?

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I have bipolar type 2 and BPD. I don't have memory loss at all, even when I dissociate I can remember things. I would think that memory loss would occur around stressful events, not just moments where she makes mistakes. Does her memory loss occur at any other time, or just when she cheats or lies? Has she ever sought help for this memory loss? Are we talking memory loss, or blackouts from alcohol or drug use?

I have mania and I do feel tempted to cheat on my boyfriend. I dearly love him, and intend to marry him, despite us having our problems. I would never be unfaithful, I work very hard to not go to clubs, drink, or see past lovers when I am manic and prone to cheat, and I tell him when I start to get manic so we can manage together.

The difference between me and someone like your wife probably isn't morals or character. It's a desire to confront and manage my illness. I always took medication and kept a lifestyle that helped me get better, I did therapy and volunteered, and worked part time. Lying in bed all day and partying all night is not conducive to mental health for anyone. When I met my boyfriend and realized that our relationship was a significant one that I wanted to maintain, I accepted that I would have to take responsibility for being stable, instead of acting out and letting him take all my crap.

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I am BP not BPD so I cant speak directly. But I can say I suffer memory loss, however its damned convenient to me she cant remember that specifically. What I dont remember is not selective, its completely random. As for an BPD being an excuse for her actions, I'm going to have to go with no, it's not. I've been manic lots of times and never once cheated on my wife (and believe me its not for lack of desire or options). She knew what she was doing and made a choice to do it knowing the consequences, she didnt care about them or you. I know it hurts but you need to move on, because she's not worth keeping in your life.

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'Leave and come back' is often a bpd pattern. So chances are that if she comes back, this behavior pattern will happen again.

And the others are right: bpd is not an excuse for lousy, irresponsible, hurtful behavior. She can have whatever feelings she has, but she has to be responsible for controlling her behavior. She has to take responsibility for that.

I have bpd issues myself. I was never unfaithful to my husband. (Although I am in the process of divorcing him. He has more issues that I do.)

-Matty

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Guest Guest_Frenchy_*

Thanks to all of you for your replies.

I stayed with my wife for nearly five year after she started the cheating and the severe behavioral problems. I have been separated from her for almost 6 months and have never felt better. The grieving occured while we still lived together. No need to feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself. If anything, I feel sorry for her. Still care for her in a different way...she is the mother of my child. But you don't stay married with someone because you feel sorry for that person, and particularly when that very person was close to have me lose my mind.

I wish the best to all of you guys.

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