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I just toke 10 xanax (super low dose th0-- like .5mg) on top of a tiny bit of alcohol earlier and I might drink more, I dk, depending on how serious I am about this. We'll see-- I know the prozac I took last night can't be good either ;)

I'm awaiting to see what happens. Not sure if this is attempt or not, but I wouldnt care if I never woke up at this point.

Cant see totally straight or walk straight, am drowsy an cant really move right now. Dont know if I should ask for help-- could die from this but at this point im not worried. So anyways, thanks everyone for being so supportive on this forum. Ilove youall ahd well have to see if this kills me or not but if not-- ill be back.

Thanks gyys for listenig. Im gonna go sleep now. Maybe forever i dk ..........

Love you all

-Julia

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WAIT!!!

Please call a friend or call 911, and please call NOW!!! Don't leave yet!

I know how you feel, but it will pass, and we all want you to wake up again!

The only thought that's kept me going when I've been suicidal is from the Metanoia website:

"People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead."

Please let us know how you're doing!

Catnapper

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Catnapper: She's probably asleep..

Julia,

I hope you're not feeling to bad when you read this. Do you have anyone that can stay with you right now? Taking an overdose of meds and drinking isn't going to do you any favors. It doesn't sound like you can really trust yourself right now. Going to the hospital - even if you feel better - would be a great thing to do. You say you don't really care if you wake up or not. Well, if you don't care; why take a permanent action? Things can get better, but you have to give them that opportunity.

Don't take rash actions. Go to the hospital or stay with someone who can watch you and get the help you need! You deserve that much, don't you?!

Make the call! And post here letting us know you did.

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Thank you guys, so much for your support.

I don't know what I'm doing-- I'm a little shaky, dizzy and whatnot, and I DID drink a bit more (half a beer maybe-- earlier it was a shot of rum or something that I had had) so I don't know what's going to happen. I'm not scared though, which means something serious (I guess).

I don't know about calling.... my brother is worried but I don't know.... I don't feel like this is serious enough to go to the hospital unless I pass out or something. So I'm just going to see what happens, I guess... ;)

Thanks for all your concern and sorry to be so depressing to this forum.

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I don't think that it's depressing to the forum so much as natural human response. You don't own the responses of other people. Tend to your own knitting right now.

Call your family or friends.

Drink a lot of water.

Call your providers.

This isn't a reasonable response to your situation. Try something else instead. As Cetkat said, things can get better, but you have to give them that opportunity.

Good luck in your travels.

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^So you're saying I shouldn't call the hospital?

I know I'm a danger to myself, but I feel like these gestures have maybe stopped for the night. Though I'm considering smoking weed. I don't know, I am too much of a nutcase to understand anything I do these days. I think I might only seek med. attention if I start to freak out-- seizures, etc.

;)

What do you mean by providers? Like my shrink who gives me these meds?

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Sorry. I didn't know which place to put it. ;)

I've only done this 3 times (2 of which were years ago) but this one was a bit more serious because I drank before I took the 10 xanax, then I drank a bit more, so we'll see what happens. Do you guys consider this an attempt? I mean, I don't know what happens but I'm okay with whatever does-- death doesn't scare me right now.

Oh, okay, thanks for clearing that up. I guess I'll tell my tdoc on Monday, although I may not because I don't want it reported to my parents... fuck...

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^So you're saying I shouldn't call the hospital?

I know I'm a danger to myself, but I feel like these gestures have maybe stopped for the night. Though I'm considering smoking weed. I don't know, I am too much of a nutcase to understand anything I do these days. I think I might only seek med. attention if I start to freak out-- seizures, etc.

;)

What do you mean by providers? Like my shrink who gives me these meds?

I my own experience,

I would advise

Against the weed,

Unless you know exactally

what you are getting,

I can't grow anymore,

but,

I have folks from 30 years ago that I trust

Just don't want it back into my life

I'm a little hazy on a clear day.

Stasis

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Julia,

I hope you're ok today. I imagine if you are, you are probably really tired. I 'recreationally' used xanax once and slept for three days.

I think its best for you to be honest with your tdoc and pdoc. Its great that there are some really nice people who spend their lives helping people like us. However, they can only help us so much. We have to do the work and being honest, especially about serious incidents like yours, is the first step. If you want to get better I really think you need to tell them, otherwise you are just hurting yourself.

Good luck.

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I've only done this 3 times (2 of which were years ago) but this one was a bit more serious because I drank before I took the 10 xanax, then I drank a bit more, so we'll see what happens.

Well, I'm sure there's nothing quite like waking up with brain damage because you choked on your own vomit while unconscious.

Do you guys consider this an attempt?

Actually, that's not the first word that comes to mind.

1. You need to be seeing one or more doctors.

2. It should probably now be your parents or a nurse determining if and when you have a Xanax in your hands

You don't want this "reported" to your parents? Who the fuck do you think get called to the morgue to identify the body?

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So you're saying I shouldn't call the hospital?

Part of the problem here. Don't put this decision-making process back on the people around you. I don't reinforce this stuff, and I am civil, but not cuddly, towards people displaying parasuicidal behavior. I think my text was fairly clear, with the exception of the word "provider," and I apoligize for that ambiguity. I'm new to your customs and I talk funny.

I feel like these gestures have maybe stopped for the night.

Hey. Guess what? You're the one who makes that determination. You do have more control over things than you thought. Enough with the feeling. Start with the deciding not to do that.

Only you can prevent forest fires.

Oh, wait.

Though I'm considering smoking weed.

Because this will simplify things how?

Bzzt. Wrong answer.

When you are upset because you have just ingested a bunch of weird substances, the way to cope with your upsetness is not to ingest more weird substances.

I think I might only seek med. attention if I start to freak out-- seizures, etc.

No. In that case you would be having a seizure. Which would make it very goddamn difficult to seek medical attention.

You appear to have more intense emotions than other people.

That's a thing. It's not a good thing, or a bad thing - it's just a thing.

So here's something to remember. When the feeling part of you says, "I want to stop all my meds and do this self-destructive thing!" and the thinking part says "No, I think we should go to work/school tomorrow," listen to the thinking part. Ignore the feeling part. You can get in touch with your feelings in some kind of safe environment, but, frankly, it sounds like you need to work on NOT letting your feelings overrun you when you're unsupervised.

Bye now.

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Silver, I think it is great that you put Betsey's decision making back in her hands. I liked that.

HOWEVER I saw a few glaring assumptions about BPD in your post that are false.

Every one has emotions. People with BPD have them too. I think that it is contentious to say that they have emotions any more intensely than anyone else persay, there are some theories that their brain chemistry is wired so they feel them more, but it is not proven, that I know of. What seems to have more impact, in causing BPD, is when people say that the feeling is wrong, too intense, or they shouldn't feel it. Betsey has likely heard this her whole life.

She cannot just tune out of her emotions and 'think' and make smart decisions not to self destruct, or she would. The thing about BPD is that most sufferers have spent a lifetime trying to elude and tune out of their emotions, and that is why they seem so overwhelming and intense. Not because sadness is unbearable, but because BPD sufferers have no emotional modulation, no skills for regulation, no tolerance to emotional pain. So telling her not to go with her emotions and think it through is like trying to take someone who already struggles to do so, and kicking them in the teeth.

Also, I hate the word 'parasuicidal' because it is a clinicians word, and we are not clinicians. It has all these connotations, faker, attention seeker, not serious about suicide. Manipulative. BPD sufferers are not manipulative. In fact, they are bad at manipulation, which is why we notice it and hate it when they try. The rest of people without BPD are skilled at manipulation, and that is why people don't object to it. Betsey hasn't said what her behaviour was about. It might be self harm. It might have been escapism. It might have been a cry for help. It might have been a serious suicide attempt. Until she confirms it I'm not going to judge it as one or the other.

What we can do here is:

1) Stress the need for medical attention

2) Try to get Betsey to talk about what this behaviour was about, what triggered it, what she hoped to achieve. What she might do rather than OD next time she feels that way.

I found your post was pretty patronizing and a bit antagonistic toward the original poster. I'm all for challenging people, but try to educate yourself about BPD first please.

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Karuna,

I regret that you hate that word. My perception has been that the term parasuicide has, if anything, fewer of those connotations than "attempt" or the (IMO) far more patronizing "gesture." Clinician language is at times useful; in this case, the behavior held elements of an overdose without clear intent, and the word seemed appropriate.

The "intensity of emotions as experienced" is up for debate, yes. It looks like those discussions have already been held here. I'll defer to Cloninger as far as dimensions of personality and how far out on the curve to go.

Rest assured, I'll continue to educate myself on BPD. It's a lifelong process, as is all education. The journey is the destination.

I do most certainly hope that Betsey finds her path in life. I won't infantilize her, and I don't condemn her.

That intensity can be a tremendous gift when redirected. It's just a matter of getting that horse's reins back.

Thanks for the reply.

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Why does one need to be civil and clinical? Showing warmth and compassion does not hurt those in distress. I think it is great that she is here asking for support. And yes I do think one needs to get help to keep safe if unable to do so on ones own. These are the times when one should get to a hospital for constant supervision. I don't want Betsey to become a statistic. She does not deserve to hurt herself like this.

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  • 1 month later...

betcsu

Glad you're "monitoring". I've had same concern from her other posts.

It's hard to see a flash of someone's pain and then have them disappear.

A desire to "PM" but the knowledge that it's inappropriate and intrusive.

Guess we just wait. (?)

(PS - Don't change your name! ;) )

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