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hi

so one of my biggest problems was i fell in love with someone who never really loved me. and i would let this person's actions control my moods.

stupid and childish. yes, i know.

but it's happening again with another person. i was so proud of myself for moving on with that bad relationship and finally allowing myself to have a new opportunity. but i realize it's just the same. and it sucks. i don't ever wanna feel that way again (that sounds like RHCP huh?) but i can't help it.

yesterday i was very anxious/depressed. i thought i'd burst and blow off. but i survived last night.

today, well, i just feel blah. i thought that hell was over. but i'm provoking it. and it makes me feel guilty and self-loathey. i don't know what to do. maybe it's just my paranoia, and it will never go away.

;) ???

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I'm not sure what you mean when you say you're provoking it. Are you saying that you know what's going to happen and you're initiating the relationship anyway? If you realize it's happening, then hopefully that'll make it easier to keep yourself from making the same mistakes. That's easier said than done, I know, and I'm pretty sure I'm not qualified to tell you how to go about that, unfortunately. It sounds like you should end the budding relationship, if it looks like things are just going to be painful and dysfunctional all over again.

Maybe it would help to identify any traits the two people have in common, so that hopefully in the future you can avoid getting involved with people who also seem to have those traits. It might seem like you'd be closing yourself off from people without getting to know them well, but you need to do what you have to in order to protect yourself, you know?

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when i say i'm provoking it, i mean i'm feeding the paranoid ideas in my head about this person getting upset at me and such. there is no relationship (yet?) but it happened to me not so long ago.

it's something like this, when i mean i let other people's actions control my mood :

he calls me/answers my texts = happy

he does not keep in touch = sad, anxious, paranoid about doing something wrong

after not communicating he calls = happy again

it's some sort of dependence.

*scratches head*

does that make sense?

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Is there something that holds your attention that you can distract yourself with? Something that you feel passionate and interested in? I often found that my dependence on others and mood shifts relating to their behaviour lessened when I could comfort myself and make myself happy.

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um..yeah, the simpsons, the fairly oddparents... and i watch them fair enough everyday

maybe i'm just love-needy (not horny) and that poor guy is the only resource at hand to pour my emotions in.

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when i say i'm provoking it, i mean i'm feeding the paranoid ideas in my head about this person getting upset at me and such. there is no relationship (yet?) but it happened to me not so long ago.

it's something like this, when i mean i let other people's actions control my mood :

he calls me/answers my texts = happy

he does not keep in touch = sad, anxious, paranoid about doing something wrong

after not communicating he calls = happy again

it's some sort of dependence.

*scratches head*

does that make sense?

Gods, yes, it makes sense. I'm the same way, I'm sorry to report.

I second Karuna's suggestion, but maybe something that requires activity rather than passivity would be better than TV... maybe something creative, or a sport, or something. Writing and reading have always helped me.

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i know i MUST do some sort of sport or physical activity but god am i lazy.... what i've tried to do is more housework, like keeping my room and the garage clean, doing the dishes, some stuff like that... and once in a while, walk the dog.

artsy activities require privacy and lots of space for me, so those are for very *rare* special ocassions.

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