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worlds worst mommy, but not my fault

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hey ya'll, i will try to make this short , but it usually doesn't work that way, I have psudo epilepsy, at least that is whay they diagnosed me with.  I am still thinking essentail tremmore.  any way they want' me off the valuim witch i can take up to three a day, usually i just take one or two and not every day, but more the last month.  when that doesn't tone down the siezur i go to are local bandaid station and they iv me with valuim.  My new nuroe doc said no more valium, i think the purpose behing this is to get a better idea of how sever and how often they are, in the mean time i think it might kill me.  its not that i need the valium, its that without it i am pretty non functional. today was my first day without it, and thank you very much, it sucked, i spent the whole friggen day siezing on a rating between 3 to over 10 and most of that was around the ten.

I am not a mom now, i am just a lump in the bed or a walking earthquake.  Eventually it wears me out and i go to sleep then i wake up and do it all over again.  wooo  wooo for me.

Better yet I am pretty sure this is screwing up my kids worse then they already wore.  My 10 year old who has hit puberty is very hormonal rite now and cries at the drop of a hat, either that or she is getting depressed and i can't say i blame her.  before all my problems she already had a few issues, she is a skin picker,,,well sort of, she litterly removes entire toenails and fingernails sometimes. I think i finallly got her to quit but now she is biting her nails wich i can handle, and i already posted about my 4 year old son.  I finally got sick of the siezing and had a drink, the good kind, wich helps if you have essential tremmors and it worked, but dr. einstien seems to be the first nuroe doc i have found that actually seems to have a functioning brain, and between him my  phsyco thereapist and a phsyciatrist  I don't think these guys plan on giving up on me.  and they all work togather, so even if i was misdiagnosed i think they will get it right in the end.  In the meantime by the time this is over I am afraid they will be severly screwed up.  As it is I cancelled summer girl scouts,  I'm the leader and we don't have to go though the summer but before all this we were going to.  I haven't been swimming with them, or anything at all this summer,,,well we did go fishing awhile back, and we were going to do that tommarow but if tomarrow goes like today I won't be worth a damn I have lost 20 pounds since the end of febuary wich is okay, all though not the diet i would have chose.  I have issues with my daughter about that to. she is a little plump, but if she will ever grow a few inches she will thin out, she is my little shorty. so we have the arguement that moms not eating why do i have to.  I am not eating a lot because i have no appitite, my last visit to kc med they sent the nutristionist in, so i am trying,,,he said drink more milk and try some insure or something like it and to take vitamins. my daughter on the other hand just doesnt' want to eat because she thinks she's fat.

have any of you ever seen ron white tator salad, not the blue comedy, his own dvd, in that dvd he talks about a plane loosing oil pressure or something and he says the guy next to him is freakingout and must have a lot to live for, ron onthe other hand has been drinking since noon and is like I don't give a shit, make sure you crash hard cuz i don't want to limp away from this thing......I  have days like that and it sucks.

thanks for listening

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Hi, Snuggs,

Piffle. You are not the world's worst mother. You're sick. The docs haven't figured out what's wrong, much less how to fix it. So if you're having seizures all day long and are exhausted from it, you are doing exactly the right thing in having your kids sleep over with grandma.

Even though you are a mother, you still have to take care of yourself. Yep. Even moms get to think of themselves more than their children sometimes.

And whatever this is, it is not essential tremor. I have essential tremor and it's nothing like what's going on with you. ET is shaky hands, sometimes arms, sometimes legs or feet. It's movement related. I can lay my hands on a table and they'll be perfectly still, but if I try to pick up a coffee cup my hands will do anything from being pretty steady to not being able to pick up the cup at all without sloshing most of the liquid out. But, you're right, alcohol does mellow it out.

It sounds like you've got a good team of doctors working on this. And even better, they're willing to communicate with each other.

You'll get this figured out. In the mean time, it's your turn to call in some favors. Try to arrange for your kids to go on some outings with friends, relatives, or whatever. They way they'll have some fun and you'll have some time to take care of yourself. Be sure to reassure them. They may not show it, but they're probably worried for you. Make sure they know that your doctors are working on it and that you'll be fine soon.

Keep posting and let us know how you're doing.


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