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intellectually suicidal


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I've fought with the emotional desire to kill myself for a long time, but it's rare that I intellectually want to kill myself. Right now, I can see no rational reason to continue living. I believe I am fundamentally flawed and there is nothing that can be done to fix that. I'm not even that emotional about it. I just want to not be alive.

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If you are intellectual about it, then you can also be objective about it and not subjective to the pain you're feeling. Therefore you must acknowledge there are many rational arguements to the contrary.

Pick up the phone and call someone, or a support line if you need to. What you're feeling is not unique as there are many of us who have felt the same. Please reach out, like you have done here.

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Yeah, there are all kinds of arguments for not killing myself and I know I won't, but I wish I could. I'm just so tired of this world. All I see is pain and suffering and disappointment. I ask myself why I can't seem to be happy and the only thing I can come up with is that I am the problem. I am made wrong. That's why no one will love me. That's why I am alone. That's why I hurt so much. Intellectually, it seems the obvious thing to do is to cull the weeds in the garden. Best for everyone that way.

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Yeah, there are all kinds of arguments for not killing myself and I know I won't, but I wish I could. I'm just so tired of this world. All I see is pain and suffering and disappointment. I ask myself why I can't seem to be happy and the only thing I can come up with is that I am the problem. I am made wrong. That's why no one will love me. That's why I am alone. That's why I hurt so much. Intellectually, it seems the obvious thing to do is to cull the weeds in the garden. Best for everyone that way.

So is the fact that no one will love you the cause for the pain and suffering? Logically, that could be fixed. If not; what is? Do you have any joy in your life or ability to find some?

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Yeah, there are all kinds of arguments for not killing myself and I know I won't, but I wish I could. I'm just so tired of this world. All I see is pain and suffering and disappointment. I ask myself why I can't seem to be happy and the only thing I can come up with is that I am the problem. I am made wrong. That's why no one will love me. That's why I am alone. That's why I hurt so much. Intellectually, it seems the obvious thing to do is to cull the weeds in the garden. Best for everyone that way.

So is the fact that no one will love you the cause for the pain and suffering? Logically, that could be fixed. If not; what is? Do you have any joy in your life or ability to find some?

It's not that no one will love me, it's that no one can love me. And it's not just love. It's everything. I am wrong in everything. It's just love that hurts the most.

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Not to be too graphic....but if you were to commit suicide, how would that impact the person that found you?

I am trying to use some logic here.

The nurses, EMS, etc. that found your body would be negatively impacted by your act. You'd also be causing pain to your family. It's not just about you.

I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. I just think that sometimes when we are feeling self destructive we don't stop to consider the impact of our actions on other people.

Hang in there. I know what it feels like. But everything is temporary...even suicidal thoughts.

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Yeah, there are all kinds of arguments for not killing myself and I know I won't, but I wish I could. I'm just so tired of this world. All I see is pain and suffering and disappointment. I ask myself why I can't seem to be happy and the only thing I can come up with is that I am the problem. I am made wrong. That's why no one will love me. That's why I am alone. That's why I hurt so much. Intellectually, it seems the obvious thing to do is to cull the weeds in the garden. Best for everyone that way.

This being intellectually suicidal, at least for me, is atypical depression and/or dysthymia. Dead to the world, don't feel much pain, numb, pointless... dysthymic to depressed. Time for a med check. Also, time to force some thinking from the other side of the argument. That's usually my trick, run out the logic on both sides. From a logic perspective, neither argument - no mean to life versus meaning and purpose - will trump the other. From a more practical perspective, it's a sign that meds aren't working and perhaps more therapy is needed. That's a purposeful action that you can take without ruminating.

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Edited to remove really cynical paragraph with lots of cursing.

Nice thing about being crazy, as we all are here, so no judgement, is that we have meds. Lexapro saved my life. I was convinced that my wife would understand why I killed myself, but my daughter, which was 2-3 during that time, never would or could. Plus, I really didn't have enough life insurance.

And, odd thing, the life insurance I have now, $350000, I can kill myself after two years and it'll still pay. How retarded is that?

But, raindrops, Wellbutrin or Lexapro are great for getting you out of your pain, but, I think Zyprexa, might be really great for just stopping the pain quick. I might have the drug wrong. But I really have to push the Welbutrin since it, as a side effect, allowed me to lose 30 lbs and quit smoking too.

Get some damn meds, you. We're here to help each other. And if you get meds, I know you will logically see that life can be cool, sunny days are nice, etc. I used to soak in the same crap you're in. All of us did. We just took meds and didn't kill ourselves. Once you get good, you will have a hard time believing you were ever all screwed up.

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So is the fact that no one will love you the cause for the pain and suffering? Logically, that could be fixed. If not; what is? Do you have any joy in your life or ability to find some?

It's not that no one will love me, it's that no one can love me. And it's not just love. It's everything. I am wrong in everything. It's just love that hurts the most.

How are you wrong? What's your logical reasoning that makes suicide the best option?

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This being intellectually suicidal, at least for me, is atypical depression and/or dysthymia. Dead to the world, don't feel much pain, numb, pointless... dysthymic to depressed. Time for a med check.

I agree with Stacia, what you're terming "intellectually suicidal" does have all the hallmarks of depression. Arguing with yourself to stay alive, until you can get some help, isn't a bad idea, but utlimately it ain't gonna do it. You gotta talk to someone and get some help as soon as you can. All of us who've been there (and we've all been there) know that's the thing about depression, we lose our normal insight, and can't reason logically. We see everything through shit-colored glasses. Meds and talking to someone will work - trying to fix it all on your own won't. Please get help right away.

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You are depressed and feeling apathy--that feeling of not caring and just wanting to be done with everything. Everything looks bleaker than it is. You think you are being intellectual, but you are rationalizing under the delusion of apathy. You cannot think yourself out of mental illness. You need medication. Best wishes to you.

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I guess I should have said this to start with. I have a pdoc, I'm on meds. I've been through the med-go round several times. Currently on Depakote and Seroquel. Tried Wellbutrin and Lexapro, both made me manic. ADs in general are bad news. I said I am being intellectual vs emotional because I'm not in the pits of hell that a mixed state is. That's when I emotionally want to die. This is different. Right at this moment I feel ok, but it comes and goes. And the problem is not something that can be fixed with meds. I'm not very good at expressing things, let's just say it's an existential thing. I believe life is ultimately futile and pointless and right now it seems very much so.

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Yeah, there are all kinds of arguments for not killing myself and I know I won't, but I wish I could. I'm just so tired of this world. All I see is pain and suffering and disappointment. I ask myself why I can't seem to be happy and the only thing I can come up with is that I am the problem. I am made wrong. That's why no one will love me. That's why I am alone. That's why I hurt so much. Intellectually, it seems the obvious thing to do is to cull the weeds in the garden. Best for everyone that way.

Lately I've felt exactly the same way, more or less. I've got a lot of apathy and blahness. I keep thinking about the people that will be hurt by my demise, but one day I won't care anymore.

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I've fought with the emotional desire to kill myself for a long time, but it's rare that I intellectually want to kill myself. Right now, I can see no rational reason to continue living. I believe I am fundamentally flawed and there is nothing that can be done to fix that. I'm not even that emotional about it. I just want to not be alive.

No rational reason eh? Ok, No Problem. Well we'll just move right along to the irrational ones then....

You're fundamentally flawed. Yup. Sure you're right. So am I. So is the rest of the world. So if you going to kill yourself for that reason there sure is a shit load of much more flawed things worth destroying afore ye do yerself. Specially the ones that a) don't realized they flawed, and b) their flaw is that they mostly make things hell for everybody else around them.

Then also, so you flawed, don't let that floor you... what's a flaw or two or ten or hundred between friends. Flawless is overrated. After all, I used to be perfect, but that was _so_ boring I developed a few flaws... The world inflicts its flaws on you.... inflict yours right back.

So you flawed, I'm flawed, the universe is most assuredly a crock of shit.It's such a crock I bet they don't even do death right. When I kill myself I just want to be dead. No thought, no conciousness, no God Forbid! Reincarnation. Uurgh! Shudder. But as I was saying, if they can't get life right, I half expect death to be all wrong too. (I don't want to die now...I'll be all cross and I won't enjoy it.... and then I will be out of sorts and headachy for all eternity....)

I tell you, if I ever kill myself and some damn fool super being wakes me up and tries any reincarnation argy bargy, it'll be Armageddon Now with me leading the charge to tear down heaven and earth.

The thought occurs to me maybe I exist to GET RIGHT UP THE UNIVERSES LEFT NOSTRIL!

Damn thing keeps asking for it anyway. I be nice to the universe... and what do I get? So flaming depressed I just want to curl up in a ball and cry.

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yes, the whole universe is flawed. i'm flawed. you can have millions of flaws and still be loved and have purpose.

have you tried volunteering? you'll see that you can be appreciated.

i found my dad dead on the floor when i was 25. i'm 29 now. there is NOTHING in this world i wouldn't give to have him alive and well and with me. he took all his crazymeds at once and ended it. i had seen him that night before he overdosed, and he seemed totally fine to me. maybe he had this intellectual emptiness.

i ODed on Li once because i felt that no one loved me. i was saved by my husband (now ex) and medic crew. lucky for me i don't have any lasting damage from it. i woke up in the hospital with all kinds of tubes everywhere. but today i'm fine, thanks to my meds and love from my family.

i ran into a guy being pushed in a wheelchair once in the store. i got to talking to the woman pushing him, and it turned out she was his sister. he was once a PDOC and had ODed on Li, and was now practically a vegetable.

this shows that all of us have our flaws and can't see the forest for the trees, even pdocs. i don't know what my dad's reasons were, because he left behind 4 children, ages 10-25. my little brother, 10, didn't understand and was so scarred. i remember taking my siblings out of class that day and they had no clue why their older sister was taking them out of school. i remember standing in a room alone with my then 17-yr-old brother and telling him "dad is dead. he killed himself" just like that. my sister, 14, was in the psych ward at the time. i pulled her from her class there and told her, wtih the pdoc, tdoc, and the rest of the family in the room. i was the one who had to call my family and tell them to meet me at my dad's house, and they saw the crews there and knew. i can tell you about my family's pain.

i'm crying right now and can't stop.

i need my dad, and your family needs you.

you're loved, and flawed, and loved. i am too. my dad was.

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