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well I don't who or what has flicked the suicide switch in my head, it's all I have been thinking about the last two days... literally all day yesterday. I spent 5 hours driving across town trying to find a soda syphon bottle that will take nitrous oxide bulbs.. used the right way ...that and a whole lot of pills. I'm not convinced on it, but I haven't been on this edge before. Like a damn brick wall up ahead with a sign on it that says end of the road pal. This is where I'm at, old misery guts.

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well I don't who or what has flicked the suicide switch in my head, it's all I have been thinking about the last two days... literally all day yesterday. I spent 5 hours driving across town trying to find a soda syphon bottle that will take nitrous oxide bulbs.. used the right way ...that and a whole lot of pills. I'm not convinced on it, but I haven't been on this edge before. Like a damn brick wall up ahead with a sign on it that says end of the road pal. This is where I'm at, old misery guts.

And it hasn't come to mind to call your doctor/a doctor/put on a Groucho mask and head to the ER because .... ?

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Tim, you posted at 7 AM on a Saturday morning----and not too many of us around. Could you please check in and let us know that you're still with us? I hope you've called your tdoc.

olga

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do not despair. $ + pdoc + meds = a life worth living.

living with suicide ideations is not something that you have to endure. i too have lost months of life to SI. there was no "trigger"-just broke down. would seem that brain chemistry, electronics or some other internals went out of order.

go and get pro help. just by doing that, your mind will have something to do other then ruminating about self desruction.

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Well, hell, I hope he didn't off himself without getting help from a pdoc. Or, even if he got help, I'd rather he not kill himself.

I always used to have some elaborate fantasy for my suicide. Involving a boat and trying to make it so that the forensic guys were going, well, hell, we don't know what happened. But, when at my lowest, those overpass supports always looked tasty.

But that is long past. I only get mild, for me, depression, and not lately with the Lamictal and lithium. I have no idea why lithium gets a bad rap.

Tim, say something.

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hey, still here. still the same blah blah. yeah will call pdoc. I've got to man a stall at an expo today, so that will distract me. It's weird. I'm laughing, smiling, still motivated to get up and do stuff but actually not feeling massively depressed, but really fucking suicidal at the same time, like a part of me has let go, and doesn't care anymore. I better go. I'll be on again later. Thanks for writing to me.

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Tim, I'm glad you're here. I've had friends with similar symptoms---carrying on as usual on the outside, but having suicidal thoughts. It's a bitch. I hope you will call the doc. I'm glad you have the booth to man today.

olga

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It's a bit surreal, isn't it? Before I was diagnosed, I would occcasionally be driving and think "I could just run off the road" for no reason. Just because. Then I would think "where did that come from?" At least if you are depressed you know there is some reason for those kinds of self destructive thoughts.

Now I understand the benefits of antipsychotics.

My therapist tells me that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. If we can say there is a nice thing about being bipolar, it is that these things do pass if you can hold on long enough. In the meantime, I would be examining my medication if I were you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey all,

I'm writing from a psych hospital in Melbourne. I've been here since two days after starting this thread. I'm glad I can finally hook up a laptop to the wall socket. I'm going reasonably ok now.... well, that's up for debate. Today is an ok day. Back then I got pretty psychotic, with all sorts of shit in my head. I thought my housemate was trying to communicate with me via her coughing amongst other things.

I went straight into ICU. I had no idea where the hell I was going until I was in there, Like, hello! and they started taking away my shoelaces, belts and everything except the clothes on my back. I was given ziprasidone (called Zeldox here), and that calmed me the fuck down pretty quickly. And within a couple of days I was sent up to the "normal ward" where I am now. It's been up and downs. Some pretty fucking harsh downs. Was trying to work out whether to take the Zeldox in the morning or the night, but found pretty quickly it put me dead on my back around lunch time, so it's been moved to night. I take clonaz when I need to, said goodbye to seroquel for now. Never thought I'd actually feel sentimental about a drug. WTF? Though I did seize a seroquel branded box of tissues in the group session on "guilt" yesterday. AstraZenenca really do care about the grief of their customers departing with their treasured orange lovelies don't they? So much so they give you special tissues to wipe away those tears of the last of the precious wonder.

ok what a load of bullshit

libido has skipped town since taking up zeldox, so I might trying abilify. Plan c is some anti-d. Plan Z is ECT.

I've had things happening in here that are so very funny, but I'll save them for my blog.

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Tim, I'm sorry I missed your original post - I had no idea you were going through this. So glad that you got yourself to the hospital and are being looked after. Inpatient treatment can be rough, but if you weren't safe anymore then it's absolutely the right place to be.

I'm keeping you in my thoughts babe xx

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Thanks Mia,

I'll see you more on the blogs now I have all this time. It's kinda nice just to have time with little responsibility and away from the outside world as well. I'm also trying to keep a distance from dramas in here with other patients and nurses etc.

Love you lots and lots.

And I love your new avitar too.

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Ok, I'm miserable and depressed again now. I've been spending time with everyone and the nurses, but just feel down... They are watching a movie, and i just can't get into it.

EDIT: oh the anti-d my shrink might want to try me on is edronax... mainly because I can't tolerate SSRIs.

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Hey Tim. When I was inpatient for suicidal depression, they put me off seroquel and on abilify. In two days I was smiling and feeling good. Creepy but true. Do you know when you are getting out? Do you get a "release stone"? I got one when I left. At group they give you the stone when you are about to be discharged adn everyone passes around the stone and says something nice about you. Are you bored? I was so ready to leave, but i was feeling better. I couldn't sleep. I don't know why i'm going on and on about myself. Sorry. So, how are you now? mel

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Hey Tim. When I was inpatient for suicidal depression, they put me off seroquel and on abilify. In two days I was smiling and feeling good. Creepy but true. Do you know when you are getting out? Do you get a "release stone"? I got one when I left. At group they give you the stone when you are about to be discharged adn everyone passes around the stone and says something nice about you. Are you bored? I was so ready to leave, but i was feeling better. I couldn't sleep. I don't know why i'm going on and on about myself. Sorry. So, how are you now? mel

Hey Mel, that's good to hear abilify did that for you. We don't have a release stone, or not that I know of. But, I have been going to groups, and they have been helping... pottery is my favourite. I made an ashtray for one of my closest friends!

I have been bored... thursday was just a horrible horrible day. I was ready to punch walls. Mum and dad bought this laptop for me - have to pay them back but it's pretty cheap, so this can help pass the time and I get to communicate with the outside world including crazyboards. Aside from that I have books and my guitar and some dvds so i should be ok now.

I just took my meds then. I've been having trouble sleeping too, so I took two stilnox tonight. And the 900mg of lithium, and 120mg of ziprazidone.

I feel like shit really. I feel down and nauseous. I'm off to bed.

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i'm SO HAPPY you're feeling better and that you're in a safe place! i'm sorry i missed your original post.

it's nice that you get to have that stuff an an inpatient! they never let me have diddly.

i thought i was going to have to go inpatient for the first time in a couple of years just last week, but my pdocs headed it off with some med increases. now i'm feeling a lot better. meds can do wonders! i've never heard of the Z med you're taking, but i'm sure it's doing its job for you. you sound a lot better.

still, stay in the hospital until you're sure you're ok. don't be afraid to tell them if you need more time.

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i'm SO HAPPY you're feeling better and that you're in a safe place! i'm sorry i missed your original post.

it's nice that you get to have that stuff an an inpatient! they never let me have diddly.

i thought i was going to have to go inpatient for the first time in a couple of years just last week, but my pdocs headed it off with some med increases. now i'm feeling a lot better. meds can do wonders! i've never heard of the Z med you're taking, but i'm sure it's doing its job for you. you sound a lot better.

still, stay in the hospital until you're sure you're ok. don't be afraid to tell them if you need more time.

Thanks Loon, To be honest I thought I would be in here maybe 3 or 4 days. I always think I musn't'be THAT bad, and that someone else should be getting the bed. In hindsight I see that it was a good move to come in. I'll stay until we get the meds right. I think my insurance covers for 31 days, and then you pay a percentage after that... not completely sure. Hopefully I'll be out before then.

The Z med is called Geodon in the US I think. Yeah it's going ok, though early days yet. It's the sexual side effects I'm concerned with but right now just happy I'm not where I was.

Actually, after I took all my meds last night and posted here I vomitted them all up. I vomitted earlier in the day too. It might be a bug or something. So I don't think my stilnox was absorbed, so I had to get up at 3:30am and got a PRN for 100mg of seroquel and that made me sleep like a baby so I feel quite ok this morning.

The bad thing about this place is that I have had to bring an eski in to keep some of my vegan food, as the restaurant can only offer me not much more than a salad, so that may be why I had an upset stomach - some of the food may of not been cool enough. I've put in a complaint to the unit manager, and the nurses are behind me. The restaurant should be catering for my needs, like like they would for other special diets. This has been stressful in itself. I shouldn't have to worry about getting people to cook and bring in food for me, and then having to stock the eski with ice packs. It's pretty ridiculous.

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