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Isolated/Scared/Crazy ~ Help!


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Hi all, new here with a long post.  I'll try to make a really long story short. 

47 year old mom of 3 boys ages 15, 13 & 9.  Married for 15 years and now living in the most rural area of Missouri possible after living in Hawaii for 3 years. DH is ex Navy.  Been on MAOI's my whole life but not anymore cause of weight gain etc.  Now coming to realize that I have been BPII my whole life but misdiagnosed as depressed with anxiety.  Born and raised in Brooklyn NY I am very alone and very traumatized.  Here are the reasons...

In 2000 I had a baby die in my arms from SIDS (I was babysitting, she wasn't mine but still...)

My dad died and also my stepsister

My mom and sister disowned me

My dh's father who lives nearby hates me and always has (no good reason, btw)

I lost track of my 18 year old daughter from my previous marriage

I used to work in the World Trade Center

I am going through menopause

I am spiritually isolated (I am not christian and live in the bible belt) with no like minded people around me. I am physically isolated because there is no one around me.  This is a really rural community where if you are not over 65/white/god-fearing, then you don't belong.  Consequently I have no friends.  And since my whole family outside of my dh and kids either hate me or have died I am emotionally isolated as well.  Fund are really tight so I went looking for a job which I found about 2 months ago.  I actually like it but now my BPII is getting the best of me.  I am going to a new doc on the 19th and I know I need something.  I have tried everything SSRI/SNRI etc. there is and the MAOI's were the only ones to ever work.  Never tried Lamictal but I have liked what I have read about it, especially the idea of not gaining any weight (I had gastric bypass surgery and lost over 150lbs....I ain't going back there again if I can help it!)

I guess I just need someone here to say that there is a light at the end of this miserable tunnel.  I seem to have found that gorgeous burst of genius and am determined to write a book but I can never keep up the momentum long enough to finish one.  Can I balance my moods but keep the spark?

Just really lonely and scared and need some virtual hugs and info.

Terri

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Hi Mysterri. Welcome! You have come to the right place, lots of BPII people around here, plus many other flavors of kooky!

I am sorry you are so isolated right now. I respect the fact that you have so many emotional obstacales yet you still have a spark of hope. Hopefully finally being diagnosed correctly will help even more. It is a giant step in the right direction. Just know that you are always welcome here.

**hug** **hug** **hug** I am a hugger,too, both real life and cyber

                                                  SP

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Terri,

I too am sorry for what you are going through now. It will get better. Hopefully with this new Pdoc you'll be on the right meds and start feeling better. I know how hard it is starting over again. I have done it so much. Possibly therapy to deal with the past issues? That is a lot for one person to go through.

But I do want to welcome you to our humble abode. I think you will like it here. Come back and keep posting.

Sondra

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Ooh, the scary Bible belt.  My best friend who's a BPD/depressed Wiccan lived in the cornfields of Iowa for three years and barely made it out alive.

Well, a clear diagnoses and a round a med-go-round ought to brighten things up a bit!  And yes, things can definitely get better.  There will always be hills and valleys, but with the right support I personally believe in the power of persistence and optimism.  And you sound like you have it together for all the crap that has gone on in your life.

Don't lose the light.

JBella

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I am so happy you at least have an internet connection. Can you imagine being in your present state without the ability to log on and make a connection????

I understand about the bible thumpers...I live in Colorado Springs...land of Focus on the Family. At least I can go to manitou Springs and hang out with the pagans if the christians get on my nerves ;)

Sending good thoughts your way.

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Hey Mysterri! Welcome to batshit crazy land, where you are not alone. I justwanted to say hi and that I take lamactil and it hasn'tmade me gain weight and mademe alot better. Far from perfect, but better. Do you have any pets? If not, I highly recommend getting at least one. I am very lonely and I am not in a situation to be lonely. I just don't have any one to talk to who really understands what I go through. So I understand lonely. But my dogs know. They know when I am bad and stick very close to me. love, mel

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Thank you thank you thank you...ALL of you!!  I nearly lost it today when one of the local "good old boys" stopped me and gave me a ticket for running the stop sign.  Like I was going to interrupt a cow crossing or something!  Anyway, after I took the ticket and pulled away I got absolutely hysterical.  I was crying and screaming.  Got home and took a klonopin called my hubby and screamed some more.  Ended up throwing the phone across the room.  He came home and forced me to watch old episodes of NewsRadio with him (it always makes me laugh...thank you Phil Hartman and Dave Foley!)  So I am ok for another day.

I have 2 dogs and 3 cats so I am not lacking in the pet department.  You know, I used to sit here all alone all day and cry because I felt so lonely but then I got this job and now somehow feel even lonelier.  I am such an outsidder with my co-workers.  I talk faster, think faster and am much quirkier than they are (BPII and my New York attitude make for a wicked combination.)  Sometimes I feel like I will just grow old and die here.  That thought scares me so much.  What I wouldn't give for a good old fashioned traffic jam that didn't involve a tractor and a few tall buildings!!

Terri

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Hello, Terri! Welcome to Land of the Crazy! The Bible Belt rather terrifies me, and I AM a Christian. I barely squeaked through a week in Bible Belt North. Seems I have more in common with Anne Lamott than Dr. Dobson. Ah, well. I hope you are able to develop some sort of nourishing spiritual community for yourself, whether that be online or in the unlikely real world.

Your list of recent losses is painful to behold. I'm impressed by your ability to write about them so succinctly, and with a realistically positive attitude. Constructive writing seems to take a lot out of most people, perhaps even out of you. I wish you peace as you confront each aspect which remains unresolved.

Being diagnosed BP can throw many people for a loop, but it can also be a positive step towards a reconstructed life. I remember finally feeling as though the pieces fit. I was no longer a cracked egg trying desperately to hold herself together. I finally had some gentle hands with duct tape and crazy glue helping me stick myself back together with the important stuff protected inside, as it should be. I hope your experience is similarly positive.

There's a whole thread on quashing the fire but keeping the spark. Perhaps something there will speak to you. For general information on bipolar disorder, I recommend mcmanweb.com for its excellent articles, including a guided tour for those new to the topic. Excellent information can also be found on http://bipolar.about.com, among other places. An earlier thread began with a link to an excellent, readable article on kindling theory in bipolar disorder. You might want to read that one. Was there any specific aspect of living with bipolar that you wanted to hear about? We're happy to help. ;)

Welcome!

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He came home and forced me to watch old episodes of NewsRadio with him (it always makes me laugh...thank you Phil Hartman and Dave Foley!)  So I am ok for another day.

I love this man.  I'm glad you have an understanding spouse to work with you. 

Could you maybe build a little city out of cardboard, then go all Godzilla on it?  That always makes me laugh... but I'm an odd duck indeed. 

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You mentioned something in your first post about writing a book. That is also something I have wanted to do. Unfortunately, I have my hands full with a BP husband, a 17 year old son, and a 15 year old autistic son. One thing I have done in those few minute where I can focus is to write down a story outline...or parts of outlines...or a description of one character...and in a few cases, I have written 1 chapter. I have one book I want to write where I have finished the ending, but not the beginning.  I have a folder I just throw these bits of writing in...doesn't matter if it is scribbled on a post-it, written on a legal pad, or carved in to a cocktail napkin...I write it down and add it to the folder.

Anyway...it is chaos, but I am making progress. And I do not get discouraged since I am doing SOMETHING towards getting a story completed. I may be 80 by the time I actually finish a story, but so what? Getting those bits and pieces of creativity out seem to help me somehow. Maybe it will work for you.

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Hi there, Mysterri. Just wanted to say hi and put in my 2 cents about Lamictal. It is working really well for me, and I am only half way to full dosage. Ialso was diagnosed with depression with anxiety and felt really crappy for a long time(when I wasn't hypomanic, but those episodes never last as long as the crashes.) I am finally starting to feel somewhat stable. It is nice!

DH sounds like a terrific guy. I am glad you have him on your team.

Hope things are going well for you.

                                        SP

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