Subtle Isn't Cutting It

[Sophia]

A co-worker seems determined to have her daughter move in with me. I have been VERY clear that this is not an option for said daughter, but subtle isn't cutting it, and VERY CLEAR (as in, "that is NOT an option for her) hasn't seemed to make much impact either.

I'm bipolar II, and I'm just finally coming off the worst and longest period of major depression I've ever experienced, about five years. During that time, I essentially had to out myself at work because I had to take a reduction in work load, some days I couldn't talk much, I couldn't read very well, etc. While it's nice to finally be feeling a bit human again, this co-worker seems to think that now I want to run a halfway house or something...I DON'T.

The daughter is in her twenties, has been diagnosed as bi-polar and borderline pd, has been using meth in the past, hasn't been able to hold a job for more than a few months, had her children taken away, etc. Granted, the daughter needs a lot of help, but not from me.

I happen to have a big house, not because I'm rich; I got it pretty cheap and have done a lot of work on it over the years (have to put those manic times to some use, and they're pretty useful when it comes to knocking out walls, etc.). Unfortunately, this has made this co-worker and others in the past think that since I live alone in such a big space, it would be no problem for me to have long-term houseguests. Part of the reason I bought a big house is that noise really bothers me, especially when things aren't going very well, but even when things are going pretty well, I maintain by spending a lot of days in silence. The days I don't work, I generally don't talk at all.

I said NO to the idea of having my co-worker's daughter move in last spring when it first came up, and I thought I'd been clear, but now she's begun to hint again that living here would be good for her. I've taken to avoiding this person because I'm sick of the topic and actually somewhat afraid that when clear NO's haven't cut it, nothing will, and I'll come home some afternoon to find the daughter camped out on my front step. I don't really want to lose the co-worker as a friend, but I don't think there's any other option; this topic just doesn't seem to be going away.

Sophia

[lysergia]

wow Sophia, that really sucks. i TOTALLY get why you don't want long-term houseguests, let alone someone with a boatload of issues they need help with. and i think you're totally right when you say she shouldn't be getting that help from YOU. she has many other options, i'm sure. you're not the only person in your city with a spare room, i'm sure.

i'd say no, too.

but i don't know how you could make it any clearer than you have without being rude. maybe it'll come to that - a very angry "DO NOT ASK ME THIS EVER AGAIN" might help. then let your head spin around and spew green bile. maybe then she'll think you're too crazy for her daughter to live with

or you could always lie and say you've picked up a meth habit of your own.... nah, you still gotta work there

i hope someone has better suggestions. i hate pushy people who don't respect boundaries.

- lysergia

[lost]

seems like if you explain the fact that you have enough trouble looking after yourself, never mind anyone else, and don't need the money, and you are so sorry but that you wish the daughter well and maybe give whatever advice you have to give.. well if she doesn't accept that then she is not a friend to be had and should be kept at arm's length.

In the end you don't know the daughter. She might have the same DX as you but a completely different personality. I think her mother is clutching at straws and needs to get real. Maybe she feels guilty and maybe wants to offload it.

[AirMarshall]

No means no. Do not open yourself up to argument by attempting to justify your decision. The other gal has no right to argue with you over this matter. Tell her you do not want a housemate and that you do not wish to discuss the matter again! No justification required.

a.m.

p.s. It sounds like you are doing pretty well taking care of yourself. Don't upset the applecart.

[lost]

Right Airmarshall.. I was rtying to offer advice in what I'd assumed was a sticky situation where I myself would have blagged it like I explained and not thought twice about it. You, are right AM - in the end, no explanation should be needed. If this woman is still pushing for conversation about the issue and throwing her own wants to the fore then ultimately a repeated no, or straight ignoral, should send themessage. AM is right - no need for explanation as that often makes things worse. Just in my case given similar situations I do give explanations - and then fret about them. Xmas is coming up and I know that for the third time I will be asked to be nice to my cousin's wife's brother because he was on antidepressants for a year, when I have nothing in common with him. Peace; and sorry about the work sitch - pushy colleagues are the worst.

I guess my method with these sort of things is just to talk until the opposite person is confused and then suddenly shut up and leave them hanging wondering about my words. Done that a fair few times. Could be seen as manipulative, but it's a good way to get manipulative people off my back and consider my viewpoint.

[Sophia]

Thanks a lot for affirming what I've been doing. I probably will lose a friendship over this, but then, what kind of a friendship is it when someone doesn't listen and pushes for things which would probably be pretty damaging...both to me, and ultimately to her daughter.

Lost, you're right, I think. I think the mother does feel a lot of guilt; this is a child she'd given up for adoption and met her only a couple years ago. And Lysergia, you're right too--NO respect for boundaries. I am going to continue to be firm, and I guess if rude is the only thing that works, I'll resort to that too. I have tried to be supportive of the co-worker, and I have given her contacts with local residential programs that might be appropriate for the type of long-term support her daughter may need. Thanks, am, I have been trying to take care of myself...after all these years, I'm generally pretty good at knowing what I can handle safely, and what I can't. Part of what annoys me so much with this co-worker is that she saw how bad things were awhile ago, and I think she should know better...but no respect for boundaries does seem to equal no respect for others at all.

Thanks again,

Sophia