How can I say No

[Guest Guest_patheral_*]

The person I'm staying with is lonely. I know that. I know that's why they're offering to let me stay here as long as I need to, "rent free." I know that's why they're offering to help me through college to "get a fresh start." I know that's why they're offering to buy me whatever I need while I'm here and insisting that I not spend any money of my own.

I am doing my damnedest not to take advantage of this person's generosity because I know they are lonely. But I know I can't take them up on their offer to stay and finish college. I know that we will part on bad terms because of that. There are too many factors that they're not taking into account.

I still don't know what is going on with my madness (see relationship thread for that story), and I don't want this person caught up in that. This person insists that if something were going to happen, it would have happened by now. I keep telling them that's not necessarily the case. They don't know my madness like I do. They didn't live with him. This person insists that I'm overreacting and I need to look to the future, not live in the past.

I'm torn with guilt right now. This is a once in a lifetime offer - all but free college, no room and board for nearly two years, and no strings attached. How can I turn it down? Should I? My mind is screaming to...

In the end, it's not just about my madness... I just don't want to be here that long. I don't want to live with anyone right now, I want to be on my own. If I'm forced into a living situation like this, I know it will be incredibly stressful and I may not handle it well. So, either way, things may turn out badly. Or am I borrowing trouble?

I hate it when someone throws me a curve like that.

[dangergirl]

Wow, that's a tough one - free ride or? What's your other option? What else would you do? I'm guessing that you refer to this other person as a "they" bc they are of the opposite sex....and if I'm right, I only have this to say:

WARNING WILL ROBINSON DANGER! DANGER!

Only bc, yes, it is borrowing trouble. It sounds as if this person is indirectly bullying you. First it was with their operation and now it is with all these wonderful gifts. They are trying to trap you into staying and they are using guilt and expensive gifts to get you to stay. Again, I don't know you or this other person from Adam, but it sounds like this person may have a romantic inclination towards you and is using whatever means necessary to get you in "their" clutches. I could be way off base here, but hey, I'm just another crazy on the net and this "friend" of yours sounds like a control freak who just doesn't get it.

[Guest Guest_patheral_*]

I'm referring to the person I'm staying with as "they" because I don't know if my madness is monitoring these boards, and I don't want to give him an inkling as to whom I'm staying with.

As to romantic inclinations, I can safely say that's not the case. However, I do think you may be right, dangergirl, in that they're using guilt and expensive gifts to get me to stay - why? I do have some ideas. Loneliness may be most of the picture, but it's probably more than that. Controlling? Could be. Making up for something missing from their past (like children)? Maybe. I think they like having someone they think they can "take care" of. I keep getting the idea they see me as some kind of overgrown teenager and not a 41-year-old woman who's been taking care of herself for a *long* time - even if they don't like how I've been doing it. It's a little spooky, or maybe I'm just imagining things because I'm stressed. I dunno.

As to what my other options are, well they're pretty dim right now. A women's shelter in another city and striking out on my own with little or no money. I'd be a fool to pass this college opportunity by, but... but... I just don't want to be forced into this living situation! I don't know how to make them see what without sounding ungrateful and small, and I'm wracking my brain to come up with some kind of compromise so everyone is happy.

[dangergirl]

Ok - I understand - and maybe I was off base - maybe this is more of a parental figure in your life and thank you for giving me more of an explanation...but that doesn't change things. Is this person much older than you? Is there a therapist in the area where you're at? If this person is willing to be SO generous, perhaps they'd help out with paying for a therapy session, and maybe even attend one with you. If it's coming from someone other than you (ie: the therapist), it might help this benefactor understand better. If after having a better explanation, the person is still willing to help - having a full understanding of your situation - and you having everything out with this person with a third person present (the therapist), and a full explanation and understanding that you have no intent on paying them back in any way shape or form (money, favors, sex, etc), and you can do this with a clear conscience, then I say go for it...otherwise, I say move on....but again, that's what *I* would do.

[olga]

I think discussing this with an impartial counselor is a great idea.

And your instincts are correct---there is no free lunch. I don't know what the price will be, but there will be a price at the end. **shrug** Just my take.

olga

[resonance]

Gifts like that always come with strings attached, even when it's parent and child. It's not necessarily a bad idea...but it would be a lot better to know what the strings are. You're in a difficult place, and it sounds like you have a lot of reservations, making it more difficult...

What do you think is likely to happen?

Is this an all-or-nothing deal? Do you have the option of agreeing on a trial basis, if you want to?

Do you have a plan for what to do if your madness shows up at the door? If not, it might be good to have something specific in mind.

[usernametaken]

conselor facilitated communication

this could be really good for you if all parties talk out their concerns. ombud's office are their names at universities

i live with a childless older person and can relate. you are doing all the right things here, but maybe being a little hard on yourself

[december_brigette]

hi,

me again with something completely different!!

based on what you have written - i dont think now is the time to be concerned about college and how to pay or not pay for it.

while its good to certainly look into what schools offer what programs, and the requirements, i dont think now is the time to consider housing.

*i think* stay until the new year. then, after all the hoopla of the holidays is over, maybe you & benefactor can then discuss college. and maybe "madness" will have gone far far away.

i am sending you tons of love & hoping that the universe gives you much protection.

love,

december

[Guest Guest_patheral_*]

Thank you everyone, for your thoughts and advice. I have it on good authority that my madness is still at the apartment. I'm fairly sure he is intent on staying there and waiting for me to "come back". How he plans to do this, I don't know. So, I'm relatively safe for the moment.

As for the college thing... it's just too good an opportunity to pass up. I sat down and talked with the person I'm staying with (yes, they're older than I am, and childless), and we hashed out the whys and wherefores of this whole offer. This person is lonely and getting on in years and doesn't like living alone, and they're in failing health. They want someone here. They have the means to offer things like helping me through college (covering what PELL grants don't and free rent, etc...), so it's not too much of a hardship for them. Since the college we're talking is right around the corner, it's nothing to live here and go to college. My main reservation is that after I finish, they may not want me to move on. I made it clear that was my intention. They claimed they understood. I guess we'll see what happens.

Immersing myself in the acedemic world may be just the thing I need at this juncture to put this whole mess behind me. Plus, having a BA when I leave won't hurt, right?

If my madness shows up at the door, I have a few options - I've been considering them, and will keep doing so. Since I've found someone in VA who can pretty much keep an eye on his general movements, I'm feeling a little better.

[olga]

Patheral, it sounds like you two have discussed it pretty thoroughly. Is this person going to give you spending money, or do you see yourself getting a part time job for some "walking around" money?

I wish you good luck in college and I'm a little envious......I would love to go back to school. But you take some interesting courses and I'll enjoy it vicariously. Do you have a particular career in mind? Or do you not want to say in case the ex is reading? Just curious!

olga

[december_brigette]

hi,

kind of off topic...

but...

patheral - you could always start a blog and make it private and then you control who "sees" your blog and who doesnt.

and sorry if you've already done this...i have my "order" of reading CB.

much peace,

december

[withing]

Patheral, it sounds like you two have discussed it pretty thoroughly. Is this person going to give you spending money, or do you see yourself getting a part time job for some "walking around" money?

I wish you good luck in college and I'm a little envious......I would love to go back to school. But you take some interesting courses and I'll enjoy it vicariously. Do you have a particular career in mind? Or do you not want to say in case the ex is reading? Just curious!

olga

I do plan to get a part time job - as soon as I can find a cheap (and I mean *cheap*) car to ride around this tiny town in. I plan to get a BA in either English with an emphasis on TEOFL, or Education (I haven't decided which). Either way, it'll be interesting - English is my passion, and teaching is my other passion.