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some days are now most days


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Guest nobody

it used to be 'some days' and now it's 'most days':

most days, everything takes more effort than i feel i've got

most days, staying in bed to ignore reality and ALL people is almost too enticing - it takes every ounce of strength to get up and go to work

most days i get home from work and want to lay in the dark and lock out family but i can't sleep

most days, if i have to wait for anything, i don't read or watch people, i just sit with my eyes closed trying to tune everything/everyone out

every day, i lie to people around me to let them think i'm fine, i force a smile and wonder how they can be too stupid to tell

i ignore everything until the last minute and then only do it if it absolutely has to be done to keep up the charade of normalcy

i let pdoc think i'm better because i do feel better physically and never been suicidal but just can't get out of the dark/cold of my own mind or find energy to do anything

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Nobody, sorry to hear you're feeling so down.  You didn't say whether you are on any meds for depression, if not please see your doctor.  The longer depression goes untreated the harder it is to treat in my opinion.  I feel the same way about people, sometimes even my doctor, who can't see my pain through the stupid, fake smile I wear when I am in public.  Hang in there and let us know how you are doing. Lotsa depressed beings on this board.  Sulu

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Nobody,

I know what you mean, I've been there.  I've traded days between the sofa and the bed, not answered the phone or the door.  You need to get some help with this.  If it is getting worse over time than it's time to do something about it.  Schedule a pdoc appointment and take care of yourself.

Deb

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Guest Guest

scheduling and seeing pdoc takes effort - i take effexor xr and ambien

i haven't even joined here because i just browse occasionally

everyone seems interesting but it still takes effort and letting others know a bit about yourself - i'd rather take a nap

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nobody...you are *somebody* to us since we understand how you feel.

been there, done that! so you are not alone.

Deb and Sulu made some good suggestions. Yeah, it takes effort to do anything and sometimes it sucks to even get up to pee.

But when you are getting worse and feeling so bad--it's time to see the pdoc. it won't take any more effort than it does to sign on the computer and read along with the rest of us. we can give you all sorts of support and understanding, but it's going to take the pdoc to really help you.

you have probably seen this before, but, this is the depression talking. you can call the pdoc and go from there...things will get better. maybe not right away--well, actually not right away as we all know! but ya gotta give it a chance even if it is ten minutes at a time/one step at a time.

Spike

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Hi nobody. When I read your first post it was like you were writing about me. I felt all of that, right down to the faking "OK'' at pdoc visits. Something I learned the hard way- you have to tell them whats up. How you really feel. So they can help you. Sulu and riffraff are right, where you are now is on the elevator to Worse. Please call you pdoc, after your nap.

                                      Take care SP

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i haven't even joined here because i just browse occasionally

everyone seems interesting but it still takes effort and letting others know a bit about yourself - i'd rather take a nap

I usually have to force myself to post because I'm either too tired/too depressed/too tired and too depressed.  But I've never regretted becoming a member here (quite the opposite). 

Go on and register.  Talking about your problems is therapy.  I bet you'll get a lot out of posting here, even if your eyelids are heavy and it takes forever to knock out a few lines.  You won't regret it.

Nobody, I hope you feel better before long.  I concur with everything Deb and Sulu said about talking this out with pdoc.  Find a way to let him know you've been conditioned to wear a happy face and play the part of Little Mary Sunshine, but it's not the real you.  I get giddy when I'm nervous--and I do the Little Mary Sunshine thing, too--so I always come across as chipper and bubbly to my pdoc.  So I need to follow my own advice!

Big :::Hugs:::

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every day, i lie to people around me to let them think i'm fine, i force a smile and wonder how they can be too stupid to tell
I feel the same way about people, sometimes even my doctor, who can't see my pain through the stupid, fake smile I wear when I am in public.

I have felt like this so many times. Earlier this year I joined a therapy group of six people, four depressed, 2 BP. What hit me most after the first meeting was how ordinary we all looked. Here I was in a group for depression and only one member looked depressed. I could have talked to the others for hours and unless they had told me or burst into tears or something I would absolutely not have known they were depressed.

Here I had been doing the same fake, competant, everything's fine act and at the same time screaming to myself, Why can't anyone see how close to total meltdown I am.

Most people are too busy with their own stressed out, over-committed lives to even notice you. Even the people close to you can't read your mind. Unless they are incredibly intuitive and know you very well, they can't tell shit about you unless you say something. Hardest.Thing.Ever. But you have to. Because otherwise you can't get help or support or understanding or treatment.

It was a light bulb over the head moment for me. Stunned, I tell you, I was stunned.

Greeny

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Guest Guest

wow - didn't know so many others hide behind facade too -

fyi, i slept almost 15 hours and left a message this am for pdoc's nurse saying how bad and hoping for an appt soon - she's a good sort and will try her best

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Hey Somebody, way to go! I understand how much effort everything takes, but once I have done it I am so glad to have done it I wonder why I waited so long.  (These shitty depressed brains).  So glad you got hold of pdoc's office.  Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.  Stay well, Sulu

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That's great somebody!  Just remember when he changes your meds and hopefully he will, that it will take a while to work.  Join the site and let us help you through the rough part.  You have a good support team right now.  I think everyone who has responded to you has a good insight of what is going on.  We have all been there.

Spike is right 10 minutes at a time, and if it means you need to sleep a few more days do it.  When I was at my worst, my tdoc asked me to walk around the block at least once a day.  I couldn't do it.  I would put on my shoes, sit on the couch, take my shoes back off and lay down.  When I told him that WE walked together during my therapy sessions.  Try doing some small thing every day.  Even if it is 5 minutes worth.  You have to start somewhere and it will help.

Deb

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sorry not to update - was really bad last week but the nurse was as good as I expected when I was honest...got me in same day - went thru really bad adjustment to meds but MUCH better now (xcept meds always suck) and while I recognize my original post...I haven't felt that way for 2 days straight! 

thanks for your support and i did join the forum...so will post properly in the future

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it used to be 'some days' and now it's 'most days':

most days, everything takes more effort than i feel i've got

most days, staying in bed to ignore reality and ALL people is almost too enticing - it takes every ounce of strength to get up and go to work

most days i get home from work and want to lay in the dark and lock out family but i can't sleep

most days, if i have to wait for anything, i don't read or watch people, i just sit with my eyes closed trying to tune everything/everyone out

every day, i lie to people around me to let them think i'm fine, i force a smile and wonder how they can be too stupid to tell

i ignore everything until the last minute and then only do it if it absolutely has to be done to keep up the charade of normalcy

i let pdoc think i'm better because i do feel better physically and never been suicidal but just can't get out of the dark/cold of my own mind or find energy to do anything

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

wow, that was so well said because that is me right now too. just a big dark hole.

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Lately, when it gets like that for me, where I seriously don't know if I can make it through the day, I have been calling a Crisis line or suicide hot line. At first I felt really silly doing it, but then I realized - I can't afford ANY therapy because of Medicare's copays and that is NOT MY FAULT.

I found that my local Crisis Line usually sucks big time.  Most of the time they don't answer the phone, or have a recording on saying to call back later. Or I get really sucky advice. But I found this one today that is a national hotline and they were very skilled!  The guy got me off my butt, got me to shower, and got my mind thinking more positive. He knew what he was doing!

I can't find the exact number right now, but if you google it, you will find many national toll free numbers. The guy I spoke to today was somehow in California, and he had this really strong Irish accent.

So for those of you who cannot afford or find a therapist, I'm telllin' ya, this is free therapy for when you are really down and depressed. They didn't even over-interrogate me about if I'm "in danger" or not. Which is what my local crisis line does.

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I can't afford ANY therapy because of Medicare's copays and that is NOT MY FAULT. 

you're right, it isn't your fault, and...IT SUCKs donkey dong.  I say use the hotline and donate a dollar, if you can, to a worthy MI cause each time.  I should start using this- no  therapists have been calling me back.  seems they are all very busy right now.

I keep a paypal account for just such things, completely anonymous and sooo easy. kinda like a slot machine.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I know exactly how you feel because I'm going through it too. When I'm in the house I want to be outside and when I'm outside I want to be inside and all of it makes me cry. Hang in there my thoughts are with you.

Lilie

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Thanks Lilie,

Today doesn't 'feel' better but I'm trying to force my way through it - made a list with 3 columns: things that went wrong, things that I HAVE to do, things that I WANT to do.  Crossed out the wrong things and forcing myself to work on the other two columns, one at a time, alternating (not hard stuff - deposit check, pay utilities, send out bday card).  I've forced my way through all of 4 items this morning and hoping it'll get easier throughout the the day.  At the very least, I'll have accomplished something with each item crossed out.

Sometimes, my goal is one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

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It was still a shitty day - more things went wrong in spite of my lists and best planning and I didn't get much more done on the 'have to' or 'want to' list.

I drowned my sorrows in a couple drinks after failed public ceremony where my (well-written) speech didn't even get read. Stupid idea to drink on Wellbutrin and now I can't sleep.  Some days, I really think it would be convenient to die in a accident.  (don't panic, I don't have enough balls to hurt myself or the ones I'd be leaving behind )  But I think I would welcome giving in if it were out of my direct control. ;)

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