Getting Through the Muck

[Kazuma]

(whining deleted)

[reddog]

i note the potential adhd there. i know, damn well from experience, that disorganization can be a symptom of depression, but from listening to you recently, *i've* begun to suspect the adhd. can you bring that up with your pdoc? is he willing to try a trial of adhd meds? usually, if they work, you know you've got it right!

do you have anyone nearby you can rely on to help you with the bureuacray? it sounds like you need an advocate temporarily who will take care of practical matters for you, while you rebuild your brain.

hell, that sounds like a personal assistant. wouldn't that be great, if we could all access personal assistants (or secretaries, like the old english noblemen) who would arrange our lives for us so we could actually do the living?

[natedogg]

Exercise and more exercise!!!!!!

If you have trouble concentrating, exercise is perfect. It is repetitive and does not require a lot of mental effort. Sure you need the motivation to do it but if you can just push yourself out of the door for a run you will begin to notice how it improves anxiety by lowering nervous energy and helps to lift depression (apparently as effectively as an antidepressant in the short term and better in the long run). And if you go for a run outside, you'll probably carry on running, because that's the quickest way to get home!!!!!!!

Start slow, commit yourself to 3-4 times a week or whatever suits you, and stick to it! You'll start to miss it when you stop but don't push it and do it in moderation so as not to become addicted. You laugh, but it happens! Also, look forward to feeling and looking better physically.

Try weightlifting as well as cardio, very therapeutic. Good for both women and men.

Good luck!

[stable not balanced]

hey! i thought about that the other day when i was watching dr. phil. 2 girls were diaanorexic (?) and could not get treatment because their insurance would not pay for it. at the end, he told them that he would help them figure things out.

idea! there should be these "assistants" that should help you muddle through the system. hook you up with treatment centers, pdocs and backup plans. how to acquire meds cheaply, help you work out your finances. tell you what you should do next. all based on what's best for you and your money, family, health. tell you where to do yoga, get exercise, how to eat a healthy diet. what to do for motivation. give you the best resources. how to deal with stresses or excess stimulation. get you back into the land of the living.

of course, they should not be associated with any pdocs or insurance companies.

cost i am sure would be high. who knows. but, man, figuing this stuff out on your own is tough and can really set you back.

i feel like i just need someone to live with me for a month and make me do what is on my to-do list, including everyday goals. establish a routine. get healthy so i can change meds if i had to. (i am so weak right now. and i have a hard time with initiative.) no way could i handle any kind of side effects right now.

well, just a thought and yours

have a good day!

[JBella]

Two words. *case manager* Mine saved my ass more than a few times. Call the Human Services Department in your area. And its not selfish to talk about yourself.

[Guest]

Okay, so let me get this right, you refused a good solution, and didn't show for another one...

And this is someone elses fault?

Oh, it would be bloody lovely to have someone come over and sort out my benefits, and find me a job, and give me money, and remind me to take my pills and tidy up and eat meals and wipe my ass. I would love it. Truly I would. But that IS NOT REAL LIFE. It's being a small child. It's regression.

We are adults. Who, despite an illness, have to get a grip on our lives. Not do the same thing over and over and expect a different result. No one can lift you out of this, unless you pull yourself out too. The world doesn't owe you anything. You are not entitled to a perfect, blissful, happy ever after with no effort on your part.

I have read a book by a man paralyzed except for his left eyelid. He blinked the book, letter by letter. He blinked it people.

And we (me included some days) think our lives are over and we have nothing to contribute and need looking after.

I have depression. Bipolar depression, severe, rapid cycler. I also have a personality disorder. I have the suicidal t shirt. Have been that way for a decade. But I get the hell out of bed and on with life because that is what you have to do to live. I am not strong. I am not brave. I have no special quality about me that makes me any different from anyone here. I might have been in treatment for longer, but I still had to start, by quitting my job and starting therapy and taking meds and basically sucking it up like everyone else. Now I don't think for a moment that I am the picture of recovery, or that everyone ought to have a life like mine. I still screw up. But I do something about it. Whether you work full or part time or never again, no bones to me. What matter is that you take some ACTION.

The only different between people on CB who gain a better understanding of themselves and the quality of their lives tends to be the dedication to just get on with it anyway, as far as I see it. I am all about listening to people, and comforting them. But not when people repeat the same avoidance over and over and over.

The people in that group home have been brave enough to get help and utilize it because they want a better life. You however have passed on it because you think that working your job and living in your apartment (while your friend does your chores) makes you better than that and able to be proud of yourself in comparison.

There is no self esteem to be found in refusing treatment, giving up and avoiding dealing with your shit. And you can wait for someone to make it better forever, cos no one is coming to do that.

I totally predict how badly this is going to go down on this thread, but honestly cannot read a thread like this, having read and supported you, and not say this, because it was something said to me, and it shook me out of it. I know the darkness. If I could magic it away, I would. But it doesn't work that way. I want you out of the pain of trying to wish it away, and into the healing of doing something about this situation. If I sound harsh, it's out of concern.

[stable not balanced]

hello!

i did not specify, but i do mean a person that could bring you all the resources without the ill person having to do years of research and only just now hearing about case management.

it takes a lot out of me just finding the info of what to do next and then trying to find where to go and do it. by then, my health has declined and it makes it that much harder to keep trying something different because it is just not in me anymore. i, personally, feel physically ill and have a hard time even functioning anymore. not that you wouldn't have to try different approaches anyways, but if you were led in a better, more educated way in the first place, your recovery would be that much quicker and you wouldn't keep needing someone to get you going.

pdocs? ha. okay, maybe yours. but doing the pdoc circuit also inhibits your recovery.

kathy

[stable not balanced]

hello! sorry to jump on your thread like that.

i am the exact way you are, i think. even though i know what to do to make myself better and exist, i just roam around the house. just cannot initiate.

i have tried looking this up and i have come up with the term executive function. mostly the stuff is about children. definitely sounds like me. haven't found what to do about it.

even when i get counseled, even when i take classes, even when i research it does not matter what i learn. i just cannot take it home with me. and this has been happening since way before i was dx'd bp and put on meds. it has always been a problem.

oh, i am pretty good at lists, good at little motivational projects, good at sitting in front of the computer all day. good at running around and going to doc's offices.

i wish you the best and please let me know what you find! i will do the same.

best,

kathy

[lachesis]

Wow you are an excellent writer.

Take one day at a time and do your course.

Going to school after being an inpatient is such a big achievement.

You want to get somewhere I can see that.

The process and where will be determined.

Put one step in front of the other to get away from the bed.

Your pdoc will help.

If you were meant to go to the group home you would have gone.

Love your family and friend. Your time will come when things are better.

[crazynotstupid]

Yeah I know how it is, needind NEEDING to get through college...just to prove oneself. I did it, even though my mom kept telling me to drop out.

It's a bitch, when life's stacked against you.

Me? I was jsu too pissed. I had that one goal: a degree. Whatever came after...well. It's been mostly shit since then, and nearly ten years later I've barley repaid a smidgen of my student loans, dur to no job, bankruptcy, whatever.

It's all guts and no glory. But. I've always thought it was worth it.

If you can drag your ass out of bed just to graduate...cool. Believe me, I understand the appointment shit; I got through college hardly doing assignments or remembering test times (um...DON'T do that!) Would that we had PDAs or somesuch back when...

If you can find the therapist that will work and you can gut it out...than maybe you can make it. I seem to be doing all right. Good luck, is all I can say right now.

[gentledove]

I have read this whole entire thread. I can relate to all of the symptoms you are describing. I am trying to find a nice way to say this, but I can only say it through my own experience. Every time I have a really bad day...not a normal persons real bad day, but the thick fog and mire of this illness and all its crappy side effects, I get surprised. Surprised like I have no illness at all. The biggest anger I have is that I have this damn illness, and I got it bad like you. When I do not accept the illness, I do not accept the treatment. Believe me I am not for arguing for ones limitations, but, I am a realist. No one likes to think of themselves as mentally different from their peers. I got sick when I was 18, I still went to college, I still got a degree, I still took out tons of student loans. Currently I am surrendering my professional license due to an inability to function at a professional level, and I am stuck with a student loan debt to the tune of over a 100,000 dollars and I do not work. I am busy trying to rebuild my brain, do the f$%#^& dishes, and get off my ass and out of bed to get my kids to school. It's a miracle when I get all of those things done. If I did not have a strong supportive husband, I would have to have a case worker. My goals have changed- they are simply to take actions that are right in front of me, and to treat my illness. The one I deny I have. If I ever get better to where I can work again in a more limited way in a structured job than great-but the older I get the more the illness takes hold, no one likes to talk about that. I have lots of compassion for you and what you are facing, because I face it every day.

[gentledove]

Now the next thing after the realization is to take life in tiny steps. Nice and slow.

Goals are a good thing, keep them in persepective, and maybe just a few short term ones in there, like being med and treatment compliant, doing your dishes, getting up even when you do not feel like it.. I know that one is hard for me...maybe just maybe your bigger goals will come to fruition in time. I just wanted you to be more aware of your condition, and make choices from there.

Much love to you.