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My deep depressive thoughts


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Brief history: struggling with serious mental health issues for approx 2 years. DX: Severe depression

5 hospital stays - 12 ECT treatments - 3 Pdocs - counseling 1 year

Too many meds to list or remember, Quit them all save for wellbutrin - xanax

Ok here goes: one year off work, 85% disability paid for this time, returned to work thinking I was better - I wasnt.

Last year missed 61 days off work sick - spread out over the year, 2 weeks here, 3 days there, 4 weeks, etc. Anyway only had accumulated 12 paid sick days, the rest were unpaid. According to my year end pension report I lost around $11,000 in wages.

I know now that I should have stayed on disability, I would have been better off financially obviously. To make up for lost wages when I was off and not getting paid I dipped into 2 line of credits and 1 credit card. I had no choice, I was not about to lose my home because of mental illness. As it stands now I am in debt about $50,000 from the financial shortfall of the past 2 years. My wife hates being in debt. She hates it so much that she wants to move our family (2 teenagers) in with her mother and sell our home and pay off these debts, then start again in a year or so with a new home. We previously did live with the mother in law for about 2 years to help save up the original down payment. I HATED IT. There are too many things to go into here but you must all know what living with an in law can be like. "I HATED IT" On top of this there is my sister in law whom I simply dont like who visits her mother every day."I HATED IT" It was one of the happiest days of my life when we moved out and got our own home. What would - could happen to me if we moved and I couldn't take it. Can You say "4th suicide attempt" from overdose. To lose the only thing of great value we have ever owned over my stupid mental health problems

might just push me over the edge I fear. The thought of this brings some of the most severe feelings I have ever had - all negative! I just cant give up on this now. I've paid ten years of mortgage payments and damm it I want to stay in my home. We may never get out of debt, but I am willing to keep trying to stay a float as long as possible. What would my sons ( one 17 yrs - one 20 yrs old)think of their father, whom they know is mentally ill, have to give up there rooms to move in with their grandmother again. This cant happen.

Dont ask me how I do it, but I am a master at juggling finances around, and I am proud to say I am NOT behind in any bill, lease payment,mortgage payment, or anything for that matter. I faithfully make all minimum monthly payments on my line of credits and Visa card.You wouldn't believe how I swap things around to accomplish this feat.I have a $1000 overdraft coverage that I faithfully use every month -so what the bank charges me $5 bucks for this privalage.This is what I keep telling my wife, lets hold on a little longer,no one is about to foreclose on our house, maybe there will be light at the end of the tunnel. She dosen't want to here this and thinks its just a matter of time before I fall into the abyss again (Hospital)

Next I have a dark confession to make: My mother in law is 87 years old and not in good health. She is somewhat well off I guess financially. She almost passed away 3 months ago and the doctors told her that her health is slowly deteroating and she excepts that. When my mother in law does go we will benefit somewhat from her will. Probably enough to get clear of these debts. I know this is not right. To ponder financial gain due to my wifes mother passing is... low,... Hey thats me in a nutshell, but it is a reality. (please feel free to tell me I am a terrible person for thinking this, Heck, I'll save you the effort, I will call myself an ASSHOLE , because I AM!) There, that feels good!

I say we hold on as long as possible and see what life brings our way. I will continue to miss work now and then and we will continue to lose wages, my mental health and my work clash many times. As I write this I have been off 4 days without pay

so on it goes. I guess I should get back to work, maybe one more day.

I dont think it is in me to ever agree to this plan. This morning during a heated exchange I told my wife she would have to drag my dead body to a lawyer, if she ever wanted me to sign off on our home. If I have to......after 30 years of marriage, I will tell her to go herself and I swear I will gain back control of my life. I WILL KEEP THIS HOUSE! Thats how strongly I feel against this.

Please help me find a place in my sick hurting head to deal with this ongoing situation.

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Sounds like it is NOT a whole lot of fun!

I guess it would be really cool if you could find a treatment that worked a little better. Have you really tried several different antidepressants, for a month or two at a shot? (Certainly sounds like you have.) Two years is a long time, but sometimes it takes longer than that to find the treatment that works.

Seems like you're probably right that moving in with mother in law may not be the greatest idea.

I think almost anyone in your position would ponder the financial gain. It doesn't make you low, it makes you human. Just so you don't WANT her to go, and you make sure you do nothing, absolutely nothing, which implies this.

In any case, you need to either get some treatment so you can work better, or scale down your expenses, or both.

Even if you have to sell the house and live someplace else, chances are you've made out pretty well with it over those ten years. It's possible that with the equity you could pay off those debts. Credit cards are an EXPENSIVE way to borrow money, and it sounds like a large part of your burn rate is from interest charges. Make sure, if things get that bad, that you sell it rather than get foreclosed. Is there some part of your house that could be made into an apartment? I suppose that's a hassle, but it might enable you to keep the house. Assuming that's practical, which is something I don't know. I knew someone who was in financial trouble due to a disability, not to mention her own MI issues, and she rented the WHOLE HOUSE to someone else. She retained ownership, and in that town the rent was high enough to justify it and pay for things. Perhaps by now she's in a position to move back in.

Of course, the really preferable solution is for you to get treatment that works. But I don't know what that would be.

Please remember that because you are depressed things probably look even worse than they really are. Try not to let the depression put blinders on you. There may be a practical way to alleviate things if you can see what it is.

I hope you can stay on good terms with your wife. You have 30 years of history, so perhaps you can have many more. It may be that if you can work on this together you'll come up with something neither one of you would have thought of alone. Easy for me to say, I suppose, but I know what it's like to have a long term relationship end badly, mostly because of depression, and I hope that you don't have to go there.

You seem to have a lot of resources, even when depressed. Perhaps you'll find a way to get to a less unpleasant situation, whether that's another place to live, a way to keep at your job, etc.

Brief history: struggling with serious mental health issues for approx 2 years. DX: Severe depression

5 hospital stays - 12 ECT treatments - 3 Pdocs - counseling 1 year

Too many meds to list or remember, Quit them all save for wellbutrin - xanax

Ok here goes: one year off work, 85% disability paid for this time, returned to work thinking I was better - I wasnt.

Last year missed 61 days off work sick - spread out over the year, 2 weeks here, 3 days there, 4 weeks, etc. Anyway only had accumulated 12 paid sick days, the rest were unpaid. According to my year end pension report I lost around $11,000 in wages.

I know now that I should have stayed on disability, I would have been better off financially obviously. To make up for lost wages when I was off and not getting paid I dipped into 2 line of credits and 1 credit card. I had no choice, I was not about to lose my home because of mental illness. As it stands now I am in debt about $50,000 from the financial shortfall of the past 2 years. My wife hates being in debt. She hates it so much that she wants to move our family (2 teenagers) in with her mother and sell our home and pay off these debts, then start again in a year or so with a new home. We previously did live with the mother in law for about 2 years to help save up the original down payment. I HATED IT. There are too many things to go into here but you must all know what living with an in law can be like. "I HATED IT" On top of this there is my sister in law whom I simply dont like who visits her mother every day."I HATED IT" It was one of the happiest days of my life when we moved out and got our own home. What would - could happen to me if we moved and I couldn't take it. Can You say "4th suicide attempt" from overdose. To lose the only thing of great value we have ever owned over my stupid mental health problems

might just push me over the edge I fear. The thought of this brings some of the most severe feelings I have ever had - all negative! I just cant give up on this now. I've paid ten years of mortgage payments and damm it I want to stay in my home. We may never get out of debt, but I am willing to keep trying to stay a float as long as possible. What would my sons ( one 17 yrs - one 20 yrs old)think of their father, whom they know is mentally ill, have to give up there rooms to move in with their grandmother again. This cant happen.

Dont ask me how I do it, but I am a master at juggling finances around, and I am proud to say I am NOT behind in any bill, lease payment,mortgage payment, or anything for that matter. I faithfully make all minimum monthly payments on my line of credits and Visa card.You wouldn't believe how I swap things around to accomplish this feat.I have a $1000 overdraft coverage that I faithfully use every month -so what the bank charges me $5 bucks for this privalage.This is what I keep telling my wife, lets hold on a little longer,no one is about to foreclose on our house, maybe there will be light at the end of the tunnel. She dosen't want to here this and thinks its just a matter of time before I fall into the abyss again (Hospital)

Next I have a dark confession to make: My mother in law is 87 years old and not in good health. She is somewhat well off I guess financially. She almost passed away 3 months ago and the doctors told her that her health is slowly deteroating and she excepts that. When my mother in law does go we will benefit somewhat from her will. Probably enough to get clear of these debts. I know this is not right. To ponder financial gain due to my wifes mother passing is... low,... Hey thats me in a nutshell, but it is a reality. (please feel free to tell me I am a terrible person for thinking this, Heck, I'll save you the effort, I will call myself an ASSHOLE , because I AM!) There, that feels good!

I say we hold on as long as possible and see what life brings our way. I will continue to miss work now and then and we will continue to lose wages, my mental health and my work clash many times. As I write this I have been off 4 days without pay

so on it goes. I guess I should get back to work, maybe one more day.

I dont think it is in me to ever agree to this plan. This morning during a heated exchange I told my wife she would have to drag my dead body to a lawyer, if she ever wanted me to sign off on our home. If I have to......after 30 years of marriage, I will tell her to go herself and I swear I will gain back control of my life. I WILL KEEP THIS HOUSE! Thats how strongly I feel against this.

Please help me find a place in my sick hurting head to deal with this ongoing situation.

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