doghappy Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 O.K., how's this for some distorted thinking - I quit drinking about six months ago after many years of addiction. I was diagnosed as Bipolar about eight years ago. So, here's what my mind is doing - since I'm doing much better now (note, I take a butt-load of meds), perhaps I'm not really Bipolar, maybe it was "just" the drinking. This stems from lots of things, one of which is I feel guilty about my mental illness, I fear that I'm using it as an 'excuse' for not being more successful (hell, just normal). What if there's really nothing wrong with me and I'm living this lie? The catch twenty-two is I can't stop my meds to find out - my husband would kill me. I know this is totally distorted, but I can't help it, even though there are others who are clearly Bipolar in my family. I wish there were a blood test to determine manic depression - I hate ambiguity. Has anyone else had to talk themselves through this sort of thinking? I'm pretty good at catching distortions now but this is really still bugging me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LunaRufina Posted January 15, 2008 Share Posted January 15, 2008 Has anyone else had to talk themselves through this sort of thinking? I'm pretty good at catching distortions now but this is really still bugging me... Yes. A lot. But the denial or non-realization of the illness is a symptom of the illness. I almost talk myself out of taking my medication, out of having bipolar, out of having anything "real" wrong with me at all. It's easy to do, when your brain decides to put a big blindspot there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doghappy Posted January 15, 2008 Author Share Posted January 15, 2008 Has anyone else had to talk themselves through this sort of thinking? I'm pretty good at catching distortions now but this is really still bugging me... Yes. A lot. But the denial or non-realization of the illness is a symptom of the illness. I almost talk myself out of taking my medication, out of having bipolar, out of having anything "real" wrong with me at all. It's easy to do, when your brain decides to put a big blindspot there. Thank you and thank you for posting back so quickly. I love your picture. - Kiki Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betcsu Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 im sitting here wondering the exact same thing. ive been severly depressed for weeks now but havent been manic since before xmas. maybe im not manic at all. maybe i never was. maybe what i thought was manic was just my non-depressed state??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangergirl Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Betcsu - I'm no doctor, but me and several other CBers were pretty sure you were manic. You sure sounded manic. I'm not trying to criticize or deny you anything...just calling 'em like I sees 'em. You know, DH, your post is funny to me right now bc JUST THIS MORNING, I was lying in bed thinking, "no, I'm not bipolar, I just have OCD, yeah, that's what's really wrong with me - that major depressive episode I had in college was the only one I've ever had - I never get depressed, I just throw up for days on end instead of getting depressed, so I can't be bipolar bc I'm never depressed. Yeah, these "racing" thoughts aren't racing at all - they are COMPULSIVE thoughts - it's a good thing I'm seeing tdoc and pdoc on Thurs and Fri bc I'm gonna tell them all about this revelation of mine - yeah, I need to question my dx bc there's NO WAY I can be bipolar". Um, and then I realize that I just increased my dose of lamictal and should probably keep these crazy thoughts to myself . But of course, I won't . You are SO not alone. Nobody wants to be sick - especially after they start feeling better. It's a total catch-22 - a super suckarific catch-22. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doghappy Posted January 16, 2008 Author Share Posted January 16, 2008 it's a good thing I'm seeing tdoc and pdoc on Thurs and Fri bc I'm gonna tell them all about this revelation of mine Wow, your humor really puts it in perspective. I guess I need someone to reassure me that the manic symptoms I had couldn't have been related to alcohol (oh, wait, that morning in Harlem, I Wasn't drinking when I could hear and predict everyone's conversation around me). I didn't even drink much when manic - I felt so good I didn't need to. Thanks. Now I'm breaking it up a bit, looking at it from that perspective. I think I've always felt like I was fooling the doctors a bit because manic episodes don't last very long, either (hypomanic is different). I just wish I could stop the meds for a month, have a slew of symptoms to reassure me, and jump back on them. I'm so crazy... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangergirl Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I'm so crazy... Yup - that about sums it up ...must be why you like Proust so much . You know, we humans have a short memory for pain...just ask any woman who's had more than one child - hahahahaha. Seriously though, it's easy to forget why we got on these meds in the first place - that miserable feeling before we were medicated - while you're an adult and I know you're gonna do what you want to do - try to remember that crap feeling...if you have any old journals or blogs or friends that can remind you, it might be helpful. And that experience in Harlem must've been veeery interesting indeed.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DustyJr Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 I'm so crazy... Yup - that about sums it up ...must be why you like Proust so much . You know, we humans have a short memory for pain...just ask any woman who's had more than one child - hahahahaha. .... Funny Lady... I was just pondering, my fav past time. when ppl say, just trying to feel better and how even that is a catch22 as mostly we are up to our necks in reliance on meds for life, and the sad fact is we will never be cured. Am I wrong on this? When my new Pdoc was saying to me, "well I try to regulate and reduce your med intake as no one is sure of the long term effect of taking meds" WAIT A SEC DR. I have had three drepressions and now this whatever SAD downturn that made me up the med, are you saying. The chances of having more depression after 2 times increases the chance for another. Head for the door dusty..... I stayed when she agreed on this fact and the need for meds. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meg Posted January 16, 2008 Share Posted January 16, 2008 Seriously though, it's easy to forget why we got on these meds in the first place - that miserable feeling before we were medicated - while you're an adult and I know you're gonna do what you want to do - try to remember that crap feeling...if you have any old journals or blogs or friends that can remind you, it might be helpful. the journal thing is what keeps me 'med-compliant' I'm not bipolar, 'just depressed' (lol) but I've been keeping journals (or even sporadic yellow legal pads, napkins, and post-its) for a long time and reading back over them is what makes me go "WHOA. that is NOT NORMAL." and every time I am just as shocked that I could have ever survived those times in my life when that is how I felt, what I was doing, and how I thought about myself and the rest of the world. it's scary. but it certainly puts it in perspective and gives me a slap in the face when I'm at the point where I'm going "why am I taking 8 pills per day? I can't be *that* screwed up. how did I get to this point, it couldn't have been that bad." yes. it was that bad. my brain really does need that chemical intervention to work like a 'normal' brain. and I would be crazierthancrazy to go off my meds 'just to be sure that I need them' (I know what this feels like, lol, I think we've all been there. it is 'crazy' but it makes sense to want a more tangible reason, more physical kind of 'proof' that we do infact have something that needs to be treated.) journals and friends (parents? siblings? roommates? s/o?) and for me pictures (you can see the utter pain and blankness in my face behind the fixed smile from my worst times. and you can tell I wasn't physically taking care of myself either)...all of that is a whole lot easier than going back to hell just to make sure it's still there. sorry that I'm rambling, but keep talking yourself out of the roadtrip back to hell, there are better ways of satisfying the urge! luck, m Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
isis Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 yes, this bothers me too. I mean, i feel like i've been depressed since, years ago... so maybe i am just depressed. and maybe its actually just stress... what if my hypomania was actually just a strange burst of energy for a few weeks and maybe i imagined it altogether. and since i started meds and havent had anymore maybe they never existed. and since my pdoc likes to say 'your BP is quite mild' (bp2) it makes me wonder whether i have any problems at all!! (then i remember my plots to kill myself and wonder if all the other people with 'no problems' do that too.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazyLee Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 im sitting here wondering the exact same thing. ive been severly depressed for weeks now but havent been manic since before xmas. maybe im not manic at all. maybe i never was. maybe what i thought was manic was just my non-depressed state??? Betscu weren't you misprescribed Geodon at that time? I've read you're blog and you do sound like you're depressed moreso than manic, until you were given Geodon. There is bipolar- where you go manic without meds, and then there also mania because of meds- which is not necessarily a true case of bipolar. Betscu I hope you are seeing a good doctor because it sounds like you've had little contact with good doctors. I was given the bipolar label 12 years ago. I refused to take meds ever since that dx - I've been re-diagnosed depressive/anxious/PTSD etc etc but no doctor since that first dx has confirmed bipolar. I thought I might be bipolar. It was hard to know because it seems some meds (depakote) worked in the brief interim but I've also managed to tolerate antidepressants reasonably well. I also didn't tolerate Topamax very well and I thought it was causing mania. I've had racing thoughts due to anxiety, but I think on this med I was having racing thoughts due to mania- which I have never honestly experienced until taking that medication. My experiences with doctors, and medication have led me to think I am not bipolar. I also had other bad physical side effects to this topa which caused me to stop it as well. I once thought I was bipolar. However it seems the docs were lazy in my initial dx and could've overlooked major depression/ with psychotic features. The problem too is they were diagnosing as they were medicating. Not watching the symptoms very closely at all. I had some features of illness dictated to me- which I was not experiencing- but the doctor forced into my initial dx anyways. I may get ridiculed for saying this, but is the bipolar label getting swung around too readily? I have psychic pain without a freaking doubt. My worst dx being anxiety which lessens the more I expose myself to stressors. So should I bother with a bipolar dx? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resonance Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 A lot of people think it is. I am not convinced of that, but I could be wrong. Probably the truth is that - like many mental illnesses - it is both overdiagnosed in some populations and underdiagnosed in others. Or we could find out in the future that the actual DSM criteria describe a bunch of things that are different, some of which are better characterized as bipolar and some of which are not. For a (sort of) different example, some researchers are tentatively suggesting that "schizoaffective" is actually a set of three groups: particularly bad bipolar, schizophrenia with depression, and a few unlucky people who simply have both bipolar and schizophrenia at the same time. Labels are only important to the extent that they help you - with pointing your doc toward effective meds, but also with explaining yourself to people, with managing your own symptoms, with explaining yourself to yourself in ways that make you better able to cope. The right label is the one that does that for you. If you've got the right label, go with it. I take a totally pragmatic perspective here. Not everyone does. Some people would argue that there actually is an underlying truth to whether people are bipolar or not, and that people should be labeled based on what's really true. I'm not convinced of the latter part in terms of what diagnoses mean for treatment, but I'd be willing to believe that there are situations (genetic research for example) in which it's important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doghappy Posted January 20, 2008 Author Share Posted January 20, 2008 A lot of people think it is. I am not convinced of that, but I could be wrong. Probably the truth is that - like many mental illnesses - it is both overdiagnosed in some populations and underdiagnosed in others. Or we could find out in the future that the actual DSM criteria describe a bunch of things that are different, some of which are better characterized as bipolar and some of which are not. For a (sort of) different example, some researchers are tentatively suggesting that "schizoaffective" is actually a set of three groups: particularly bad bipolar, schizophrenia with depression, and a few unlucky people who simply have both bipolar and schizophrenia at the same time. Labels are only important to the extent that they help you - with pointing your doc toward effective meds, but also with explaining yourself to people, with managing your own symptoms, with explaining yourself to yourself in ways that make you better able to cope. The right label is the one that does that for you. If you've got the right label, go with it. I take a totally pragmatic perspective here. Not everyone does. Some people would argue that there actually is an underlying truth to whether people are bipolar or not, and that people should be labeled based on what's really true. I'm not convinced of the latter part in terms of what diagnoses mean for treatment, but I'd be willing to believe that there are situations (genetic research for example) in which it's important. Wow, thanks, so much. - Kiki Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CrazyLee Posted January 20, 2008 Share Posted January 20, 2008 I take a totally pragmatic perspective here. Not everyone does. Some people would argue that there actually is an underlying truth to whether people are bipolar or not, and that people should be labeled based on what's really true. I'm not convinced of the latter part in terms of what diagnoses mean for treatment, but I'd be willing to believe that there are situations (genetic research for example) in which it's important. Yes some meds just work even when all symptoms are not present, or if the person is not even bipolar- though the truth about their brand of 'illness' should strongly be taken into consideration, to avoid mis-medication in the future. I basically tell my docs I am the kids xsmall prescription (when I need one). I find subclinical doses of Lexapro knock out a little bit of anxiety. When I was put on Topamax I might've faired well at 50mg- though funky stuff was happening with my eyes- and I had to quit. 100mg was too much for me. I once had a doc try to put me on a typical anti-psychotic and was told to never stop taking it. I was maybe only mildly delusional and very depressed. I refused to take it, and weened out the medication to only 20mg of paxil, and was fine. When I saw the doc again they just couldn't believe how well I was doing on paxil only. I saw 2 docs in that period- one was convinced that my fears were delusions made up in my head, and I needed a heavy round of medication. The other listened to my 'delusions' and figured out I was just having personal problems and allowed me to talk out what was bothering me. So depending on your doctor- one could write you off as delusional, if they don't want to listen. And truth to a dx in that situation should be very important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangergirl Posted January 21, 2008 Share Posted January 21, 2008 Labels are only important to the extent that they help you - with pointing your doc toward effective meds, but also with explaining yourself to people, with managing your own symptoms, with explaining yourself to yourself in ways that make you better able to cope. The right label is the one that does that for you. If you've got the right label, go with it. Thanks for writing this Res - I think my tdoc intentionally stayed away from any formal dx for a long time - until I asked him point blank what he thought I "was". It didn't really matter - he talked to pdoc, I talked to pdoc, pdoc gave me meds and I happily skipped along - don't get me wrong - I researched all of the meds about all of the conditions I suspected I had and asked questions and the docs answered intelligently enough for me to feel that I had a say in things...but what I "was" as far as dx was never really a pressing issue. So true to form - at last tdoc session, I ran in and told him that I didn't think I was really bipolar . He looked at me sadly and said, "what difference does it make what your diagnosis is? I think you're just trying to find a family" (summarized to save your eyes). How we all experience symptoms of these disorders is so different and the comorbidity of some of these disorders is just amazing to me - I think one day we'll all find out that it's just one neurotransmitter misfiring causing all these different problems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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