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why do i have no motivation to want to live


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im not saying i want to die. i've thought of death many times, how easy it would be for me to just do something and end it all. not ever have to worry about anything ever agian or feel any of this pain.

but why when everything is just psychological .

i am diagnosed adhd, and bipolar. i would say a lot of anxiety, social ect...basically all around, but i really hve only been diagnosed those two. unless self diagnoses really counts.

i take 30mg adderall tablet daily, 100mg lamictal daily, and 1mg klonopin daily.

i assoicate a lot of the lazyness, lack of motivation, worthlessness, etc with the bipoloar. i dont really understand how it seems that everything bipolar has, also describes adhd, depression, and anxiety as well.

to me the biggest change ever in my daily thoughts was lamictal, although the stiumalants were the first to make me realize i dont have any energy to move. i then cured my random outburts of anger and overall crazy feeling w/ lamictal.

but even if, i still have no motivation for life. period. even on the meds.

for instance, i dont even have sheets on my bed right now and i probably wont get oithem out of the drier to put them on. i just dont care im too lazy to go get it. and the sad part is i know its justoi an excuse. i could justoi oiget up and go get it. but i dont, and i wont, and i just dont care. this comes with many things.

i need a job. i lost my job of 5 years over the summer, used up 36 weeks of unemployment, and i remain sitting on my ass doing nothing. i dont even do anything productive. i sit at my pc, but i barley use it. i watch some sort of media, or just sit and stare feelingo worthless.

this is very eveident when i run out of any meds, esp lamictal.

its like im scared to do anything, i lack the motiviation PEROID to do anything productive with my life. add meds only seem to keep me calmer (sort of) and able to actually complete a task or sentance lol. but i dont feel any of these medications helping me shake this feeling of worthless ness.

they help a ton, but its like im missing that one little push to mix up all the benefits and allow me to stop making so many exuses and just do something. I am so tired of hearing people say just do it, dont make excuses, stop analizing everything and just do it. forget about the meds you dont need them.

they are right, on the sense that if i want to do something i can. my responce is i cant, but i dont mean it as an excuse. its more like a physical cant because my mind justoi does not care, or does not want to.

it feels like life is such a struggle for such pointless stuff. i dont want to work, i dont want to do anything at all but have fun and do whatever i want. but sadly enough it even comes down to me not doingo anything productivly fun or beneftial. i just waste time all day. doing nothing, thinking noting but man i dont wanna go do this or that. or when i finally leave my house i go out and waste time with friends insotead of looking for a job. i know i need one, its something i just cant avoid, but somehow or another i just always find a way to not go look for one.

its so stupid and i know its just as simple as saying shut up idiot go do this and go do it. but if its in my mind that i dont want to. i wont.

only things i want to do will get done.

at least i do not have a crack or heroin addiction like many of my friends. i am able to be a helping hand to what they are going through. i can say as fucked up in the head as i am or may convince myself subconciously to feel watching a close friend in withdrawl battleing addiction on many drugs and his own paranoid problems that he has is horrible.

i am such a smart person too. people tell me it all the time. its like anything that interstests me i can keep myself occupied for HOURS on end and always excell at it. but i have no motivation to take it anywhere else but the moment in time where im enjoying it. ie: school ect.

im 22 and have been on various stimulants (pretty much ever one) before finally going to tablet form adderall. (i miss the body fat i lost considering ritalin forms didn;t kill my appaetite"

im always making carless mistakes, and i always feel like people are judging me. i justoi cant help it. i get picked on for the stuff i say. i guess its stupid or shows lack of confidence idk.

overall people like me, i know im just delusional and can ignore it all and be what i want around people ebcause thats how people are supposed to act. not stand in the corner thinking if they walk up and say someithing that the other person is not thinking anything wrong.

i hold myself back from everything i can and want to be. i know i do. i will tell you everything i say about why i cant is an excuse because i know i could. but you have to want to do something to do it. and thats my problem. i dont ;)

depression?

my mother and sister take prozak. i got my sistere on adderall finallla na dit helped her. she recently started prozak bbut all i see in her is just...well i dont really know. i guess se seems happier and she says she doesnoit ahve any anxiety anymore. i wonder if thats what im feeling. the anxierty of thinking im too lazy or unmotivated to do anything is caused by a depressed state of mind? idk im going nuts this stuff can really tie you up.

problem is i dont want ssri's. i've been denyin them forever, since day one. i just am against them. idk why, but i just seem to have this phobia of using them due to their sideffects and ect. myabe im just being stupid.

probably

haha it seems i have the ability to recognize my problem, which towers above not understanding when they occur. if i was blind to how i acted and felt i probably would have killed myself already. so i guess thats my desire to push on, but i just dont feel like doin anything about my life. i want to sleep all the time and not deal with this, but i know i will everntually just wake up and be bored. life is fun and i wanna live it but i dont wanna have to do anything to do it. i hope this makes sence to someone. im sure it will :)

also with bipolar having manic and depressent episodes 4 times a month seems weird to me. everything i've ever read has taked about it being in shifts. it seems to me like im manic and deprssed all the time. i swtich back and fourth so fast i dont even know when i feel either.

again lamictal helped that a lot. but

idk. idk evenoi know why im stioill typing, do i have more to say?! i dont know man. i do know this is the add part though, im rambling pointless info that doesnoit need to be said, but i feel like it does.

topic to topic.

i hope my post is easy to comrehend cuz im sure it jumps all over. thanks lol

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Hey I read the entire post- I had to read it it because I know exactly how you feel. Apathy has and always has been my biggest symptom that I have. It was at least in some small way comforting to know that someone else is experiecning the same problem as a result of this illness. I am sorry that this is happening and you seem to have this disorder kinda bad. Remember that this is the illness. I am not a doctor so I do not know why this is such a problem. all i have is my own experience-here it is for what its worth. Deep apathy is sometimes associated with SA disorder. I do not know where SA starts and Bipolar 1 begins. But the treatment is the same. When I increased my AP's (abilify) it started to lift, and I actually had well motivated normal days. I am still not there yet and have some bad ones so may go up again to 20 mgs of abilify.

everyone here probably agrees as does my Pdoc that antidepressants do nothing for us.

Mood stabilize first. Your meds are not listed so do not know what to say. HAng in there. You are worth finding solutions for this illness. I know I am better after two years of searching and living in pain. all the best-

gentledove-(renae)

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i take 30mg adderall tablet daily, 100mg lamictal daily, and 1mg klonopin daily.

thanks guys, it is 12:00 pm and i am on all 3 meds, that night i wasnt, i had taken my adderall in the morning so it was worn off, and my lamictal later in the day and i dont think i took my klonopin yet.

i seem to be much more stable when i am on the adderall and the lamictal at the same time, since adderall gives me the motivation to be awake and not sleep all day. As i said though, i just dont want to do anything other than pointless shit that benefits me in non crutial ways. Its not that im afraid to go get a job, i can be in public and be fine, in fact once i am comfterble i am total opposite. sometimes its not the case though.

i see my problem just more or less is procrastination. there is a lot of things i can do and should, but i just put them off and look upon it later like oh ill just do it tomorrow. but it just never happens and it really depresses me. i was told by my old that she thinks a lot of my problems are spawned from the anxiety itself where i hold myself back from doing things because i am so stuck in the thought that i cant. this makes good sence to me.

and no i dont have a therepist, espc right now without a job and insurance. all i've ever really seen was a aprn who gave me abilify and welbutrin when i was 17. i was stubborn back then and didnt believe i needed to be there. once i hit late 19 i decided enough was enough. i went to the same place and talked to a therepist but he saw that i seemed to understand what i was going through and i agreed so i went into the aprn and from there on she was who i saw. i really wanted a benzo and denied ssri's and she immediatly put me on adderall xr 30mg. im sure its obvious to those people since i know how bad i can be when not medicated lol. after a while i switched to concerta and went between 36 and 54 mg a few times, was on that for a year and told her i couldnt take the extra anxiety and the crash so she put me on gabapentin. i was taking 1200mg 3x daily and that helped but it didnt rid of the physical anxiety and all the mental just some. i then was changed to lyrica for once script, and that worked very well as a mood stablizier, anti depressant, and cured socail anxiety. it wasnt the right choice though cuz i was very loopy on it and it wasnt anything benefitial to me other than a good high not to mention not covered by insurance (i do miss the social anixety relief though) i then tried gabatril and that did nothing, and i went back onto 1200mg neurontin (gabapentin) 3x daily. i switched to focalin xr 20mg to help w/ the concerta form of ritalin's side effects and it worked well but didnt last long enough. eventually i popped a friends tablet adderall and was amazed at how well it worked for giving me that push instead of just the focus like the ritalin's did. i also liked the control i had of it, which was the mail reason i got off xr. i was able to take 1/2 or a full, or even another 1/4 to a 1/2 depending on the day and was able to deal w/ the crash. the lady basically told me eventually that she could not medicate me anymore (she had even said things like it must suck to be in your head) but a lot of it really came from me trying to be dr and not letting her give me the proper help. she didnt know shi xt anyways i knew more about the meds than she did. she even tried puttin me on lithium. that was the last straw for me. oh yea she wouldnt give me benzo's either. that i can understand but if you need em you need em and i was desperate for something to calm myself.

i went to another place and walked in sat down, told him my past diagnoses. i stayed on adderall tablet 30mg, eventually jumping up to 60mg. i dont take more than 30 though usually, sometimes i take that extra 1/2, but it helps out since i dont have insurance and every two months i need to pay to see him just to write my script. it allows me 4 months of treatment. he suggested lamictal, and it has been very benefitial. i've been on it for a year now. i also told him i wanted a benzo and suggested klonopin since xi knew it was the least addictive esp w/ my past drug abuse (nothing hardcore just teenage pot, e, acid, coke, opiates, the usual) somehow managed to never get myself into coke habit like many friends never really liked it esp since concerta felt very similar. waste of money too. never got hardcore into any opiates cuz i knew the danger, thank god since a good amount of my friends became heroin addicts after working their way up the opiate chain. now they smoke crack too lol jesus. no meth, just really a good amount of e, which i guess can contribute to my current mindstate. but most people will tell you and seretonic damage seems to recover, not to mention i was the way before any abuse. all that has stopped except for weed, which can also contrubute to being lazy. but i had a talk w/ my parents and basically said weed or no weed i am the same person, doing drugs didnt make me who i am, i've been this way, i got my first c in 6th grade and it was all downhill from there. never wanting to go out to school dances or participate in anything, glued to the computer and not very popular in school. too bad cuz i could have changed that if i wasnt so socialy anxious since i was able to pull a good amount of friends and many good looking girls in the last two years of hs.

wow bnack to the point oops lol i guess my dr is a counsiler but we really dont talk much, its more or less how are you mike, i say good, repeat that the lamictal works great, and he writes out my scripts and i leave. i guess its cuz im usually medicated when im there so i dont feel the urge to spill my guts like i did in that post. maybe ill print it and bring it in to him. funny how bipo works, sometimes i can deal and its like eh im ok, other times im completly in the pits.

that was actually my main question. how is that possible if bipo only has manic and depressive episodes in long timespans. as far as i can see im either one or the other, it all depends. maybe its cuz when im off the bipo i am obviously in a depressive state, and on it stable unable to remember prior to it if i switched from one state to another over a years period. from word of mouth though, it was very obvious i constantly contradicted myself on everything i said. talking in complete circles. so thats what leads me to believe i was manic and depressed @ the same time switching on and off without my concious knowlage. only visible from the outside.

i hope i didnt ramble, i always wonder how much of a long post could have been left out to get a more clear point lol. funny how i always tell my sister to just get to the point without explaing every little detail. seems people have been telling me that latley too lol.

also i've been up since 10, with plans to take a shower and get a job, yet im still sitting here @ 12:21 unshowered lol. ughh im hopeless and my parents cannot pay the bills. why is this so damn hard!!!!!!!!!! thnx guys if u read this one too. i've always said if i met myself i would probably punch him and tell him to shut the hell up. esp if he interupted me constantly and always had to say something and be right or chime in. god people must get annoyed. hehe ;)

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