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reactions triggered by phone call


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OK, so I don't know how this will affect anyone so I am going to warn that this may trigger some.

A little background before I explain what happened....

My junior year of college, I went out with this guy who basically forced me to perform oral sex on him. I tried to stop once I started, because I didn't like it, but he was much bigger than me and held both his hands down on my neck when I tried to get up (he said he needed to 'finish') and I felt so dirty and ashamed and disgusting afterward, I went home and puked for an hour and cried for two days. I'm sorry, I know this isn't really that big of a deal...the worst part is that I he told me that he didn't do anything wrong and the reason I felt bad is because no guy ever loved me like that before so I felt guilty for feeling bad about it, but I got a new phone and changed my number because he kept calling me....this was two years ago

Today I went to the coffee shop before class, feeling pretty good after my T session yesterday, was on the computer looking up Radiohead tour dates feeling fine, and I get this text message from a number I didn't know "hi how are you"--I didn't know who it was but didn't think anything of it, so I texted back asking who this was and THIS is the message I received back:

"Ouch it' s (name of guy) remember me we used to chill you gave me your first BJ ring a bell? It should. So you deleted my number huh? How are you?"

OMG why would he do that? Why can't he just leave me alone? I never told anyone and when my friends asked me if I was going to see him again I just said no I didn't feel like dating anybody, I didn't try to get anyone in trouble because I knew part of it was MY fault, and after I got the text message ran to the bathroom and threw up (involuntarily, that's how my body reacts to extreme stress ever since I was a kid) and went outside...my friend saw me asked what was wrong and I told him and he said "Oh well, guys are jerks don't let it get to you" so now I feel pathetic for being upset. I don't know what to do, I don't even really want to call up my counselor because I just saw him yesterday, plus he's a guy so I don't know, I always liked and trusted him before, but after what my friend said maybe even he would think I was overreacting. I feel horrible, I missed this class for the second time this week and I can't stop crying. The thing is I never told my counselor about this instance, I told him about another instance, but if I call UCS and I'm all upset about this, won't it seem like I'm dramatic? I'm so confused and shaken. I really like and respect my counselor and I don't want him to think I'm some overdramatic like little girl, and if SO MANY of these things have happened to me I'm afraid he'll think I'm either a liar or a slut (and I'm neither, I actually HATE being touched by ANYBODY except my one very close friend) and I JUST had an appointment yesterday, so it will appear pathetic if I call again, but I need some one to reassure me, to tell me it's going to be OK, that I'm not a filthy, disgusting, pathetic beast. I'm afraid even to leave this building, like the sky is going to fall in on me or something...I feel awful.

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you have nothing to be ashamed of. you were raped. you have EVERY right to be upset. fuck anybody else who says it was nothing. it is NOT nothing. it's extremely serious with lifelong consequences, especially if you treat it as if it were inconsequential.

it happened to me, too. and i didn't tell anybody and i didn't do anything about it and yes, years later i ran into this man again. i had the same reaction you did. and more than ten years had passed. just seeing him made me remember every single detail, and like you it made me sick.

i understand why you freaked out. i'm glad you changed your number. can you talk to a counsellor about this? it's okay to call a rape crisis centre - even if you don't feel like it counts. they will understand, even if it was a long time ago. they DO know it's a big deal.

please don't ignore how you feel or let others tell you how to feel. i'm begging as a woman who did it all wrong.

-lysergia

(ps i apologize if this came out funny, the subject is kinda triggering but i'm glad you posted it)

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Hey Seemore glass, YOU ARE NORMAL!!! Your reaction is normal!!! For everything that you have been through and like Lysergia said, baby you have NOTHING to be ashamed of and every right to feel the way you do. I have been there too, and kept it all inside. It poisoned me from the inside out and really fucked me up. DO yourself a HUGE FAVOR AND GET RID OF THE FEELINGS! Talk to your counselor or the crisis center, get rid of the shitty feelings instead of holding onto them. Your friend is a guy right? Don't take his "let it just go" attitude personally. Men are clueless and unless they have been in a similar situation, they can not relate.

History repeats itself until you can see the patterns and change them, so a counselor (who is any good) would not be shocked that this shitty event has happened more than once in your life. Still, if you don't feel safe brining it to him, definatly bring it to the crisis center ASAP. Don't let it eat at you inside. DUmp as much shit there as you can, only then can you start to heal a little. Keep talking, there are people here to listen and support. Peace and a hug.........mitten

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Guest Guest_SeeMoreGlass_*

Thanks for replies. I spoke to my counselor today and he was really reassuring, and he didn't react the way I was afraid he would. After we spoke he gave me a few crisis numbers, which I will call. Thanks so much for listening to this.

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Hey:

I feel so badly for you. This was in no way your fault. I'm glad you called your counselor. My best friend was raped several years ago. She wouldn't call, so I called a hotline. They are manned (or "womanned") by women who have had experiences like you did. You will feel so much better after you've spoken to someone who has been in your shoes.

I am glad you wrote. I know there are many women who are in your shoes and have done nothing to deserve it. By seeing the support you are receiving, I would hope that one or two women would also feel like they should talk to someone. You aren't a whiner, you aren't in the wrong here.

What an obnoxious Dick Head to be all bummed that you erased his name from his phone. I can't believe the GALL of this man by saying "remember me? Your first?" I would have said "Oh yeah. YOU. My REALLY LARGE boyfriend is looking for you. He has a message from me. How can we find you?" Asshole.

Sorry. I hope I'm not making things worse. I just feel so badly for women who find themselves in this situation.

Your mantra: "I did nothing wrong."

Breeze

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