mamayaya Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 This depression is killing me and if it doesn't kill me suicidally, it's going to wear me down so much physically that I'm going to have a stroke, heart attack, or something. I'm so physically sick and physically tired that I can't even function. These meds don't do jack shit and the pdoc is somebody I can't even look at in the face because all she does is look down on me and complain if I miss an appointment. Well excuse me, I'm bipolar and sometimes suicidal, I don't exactly give a shit what you think. I have two little kids who get on my last nerve and I am a single mom, the only one around to take care of them and it feels like all they do is push my buttons and make shit worse. I love them to death but mommy is crazy and they have 18 years to work with it, they better start now. I can't keep my apartment clean because I have two kids under me messing up everything I fix and then I get shit from my family for having my kids in a messy house. well excuse me, but I work full time, have two little kids, and am on enough drugs to kill a horse, what do you want from me? I never get a break. I live in a freezing cold state where I have to bundle the kids up to go out just to get diapers and I'm morbidly obese. This is not easy to carry up a 30 pound baby, a 40 pound kid and bags of groceries up 3 flights of stairs with asthma and an extra 100 pounds on you. Does anyone offer to help me? Nope, never. I'm at the end of my damn rope. I don't think there is a medication, pdoc, tdoc, family member, anyone alive that is going to help me feel better about myself, my situation, or the fact that I feel stuck in this shitty life. I'm not suicidal but SHIT I don't know why the hell I'm not!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caterpillar Posted January 18, 2008 Share Posted January 18, 2008 Sh***t! So tough what you're going through! I can't imagine being in your position I think Tom is right, don't know much about BP or these particular meds you've taken, but sounds like you need other meds! SOMETHING has GOT to work! Maybe another doc too, if yours haven't helped... If you only had someone to take care of the kids for a while, time off to care of only yourself would certainly help. Burn out from stress doesn't help AT ALL... Sorry I can't help you... Wish you luck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamayaya Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 Thanks for the replies... I laugh at my reply today (thanks, BP mood instability!) but yesterday I felt like total shit. I still don't feel up to par but thanks to the 2 mg of Ativan, I slept last night. Yeah, I think it's back to the drawing board and back to the pdoc's nurse or somebody who can help me. I was on Lamictal and got a bad vision side effect... I couldn't see ANYTHING... so I had to wean off. I'm gonna ask about Topamax. I heard losing weight is a side effect. hee. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineOutside Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 Thanks for the replies... I laugh at my reply today (thanks, BP mood instability!) but yesterday I felt like total shit. I still don't feel up to par but thanks to the 2 mg of Ativan, I slept last night. Yeah, I think it's back to the drawing board and back to the pdoc's nurse or somebody who can help me. I was on Lamictal and got a bad vision side effect... I couldn't see ANYTHING... so I had to wean off. I'm gonna ask about Topamax. I heard losing weight is a side effect. hee. Mamayaya, I can relate 2 your avatar & 2 your degree of Bipolar 2 Depression. I have been functionally disabled 4 about 3 three years. I still am but have come ^ several levels of depression w/ a 3rd trial of Lamictal. (I stopped on the 1st 2 trials b/c of side effects (that have now lessened) and a 2 quick judgment of a rash. Now, I don't have the physical & psychic pain & I/m so relieved & thankful even though I am having to relearn basic behaviors. (Hygiene, care of dog, & relationships w/ sons, which is good but I would like to b even better, as much as it can be w/ 18 year olds that are growing up so fast). Those R my goals 4 30 days & they R actually hard. I'm failing some days but I keep trying. My Pdoc says that a part of reaching goals is failing & trying again until I master the goals, just a few @ a time. I understand about the children. I was fortunate 2 have a loving, willing & capable former husband that took on the responsibility of my 14 yr old sons when I realized that he could b a better parent than I 2 my deserving sons when my severe illness manifested itself then. I hope that u can find a good Pdoc , the right meds, & the support of some1 or some people that can help w/ your responsibilities. Stress is the #1 factor that leads 2 my decline. U can recover & lead a satisfying and quality life. That's what I believe anyway. Just b/c U have good days as well as bad days does not mean that you can't have a higher level of recovery & increase the good days. It seems like you are still functional but it sounds like it's taking too much effort & I know for sure that it can get much better. Anyway, to emphasize, I hope that U can find the right meds & support. Sincerely, Sunshine Outside p.s. I'm glad that you're having a good day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamayaya Posted January 19, 2008 Author Share Posted January 19, 2008 you know I've actually considered letting my ex-husband take my two daughters but honestly, it scares me too. Some days my daughters have been the only thing that have kept me going, made me wake up and face the day. I worry if they aren't around, I'll have no reason to live.... or at least feel that way, y'know? But I honestly think a good, long break from them so I can recover and start to feel better is really what I need but their father right now won't do that and no one else is available to, so it's really up to me. My grandmother mentioned foster care but the idea of THAT REALLY sends me into a depression that I won't even discuss it! They are taken care of, bathed, fed, clean clothes, have tons of toys, are played with, play with each other, and are happy children in every aspect of the word. I just wish I Had more energy to devote to them and were a happier mommy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunshineOutside Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 I really understand. I hope you feel better soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maddy Posted January 19, 2008 Share Posted January 19, 2008 When was the last time you had your thyroid checked? I'm wondering because it can exacerbate your depression and really drag down your energy levels. I'm going to see an endocrinologist on Monday since my thyroid is all screwed up and can't get my TSH down to a normal level. (it's around 44 right now) And I'm drag-ass tired all the time, but I can't keep weight on me to save my life. I'm taking care of my niece and nephew, so I understand how it is with kids constantly screwing up the house you JUST cleaned! ARRGH! If only they had tiny disaster areas of their own, not the entire house. It's embarrassing to have a pair of little girl undies sneak out of the sofa cushions ONLY when company comes over. Or to suddenly see that missing sock hiding behind the entertainment center. Oh the wonders of kids. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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