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I'm going crazy. I'm tired of telling my friends how I feel and them telling me, "oh that's normal". It's not normal.

I struggle to go to work everyday. This week I've worked one day. I don't know what my problem is. I mostly like my job. I just don't want to leave my house. I really don't go anywhere. I go to my father's house to watch Patriots' games.

And my house is a disaster. Everything is everywhere. I get sucked into the TV.

My pdoc doesn't want to add any more meds. He just took me off of Geodon. Boy that was a rough ride. I see him next Wednesday.

I saw my tdoc this past Wednesday. We talked about work. We also talked about disability. I was out of work for 4 months this spring/summer. Right now my goal is to work another year so that I'll be eligible for temporary disability benefits and FMLA again and start the disability process. My tdoc still thinks I'll come out of this episode.

I haven't had a manic episode since I started lamictal but I'm tired of the all the time depression.

I'm tired of trying to explain to people how I feel and what's going on and them not understanding at all.

I hope people can identify with me and give me a little support.

Oreo

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I fully understand, and yeah, I'm there with ya. <consider this support> I'm just now starting to get my life back in working order, it was totally pulled under my feet a few years ago, and I've been struggling so hard ever since. My life with risperdal was basically spent sleeping on the couch all day. If your pdoc took you off geodon, is he going to replace it with anything else? I'm BP, but this damned depression just won't go away, so we keep having to adjust the mood stabilizers, and try to work in little bits of AD, without sending me into mixed state/mania.

Sorry you're having such a rough time. I hope you can work something out with the meds, that's a huge part of it.

Take care.

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I was at a point where I had to see my shrink and tdoc everyday. Then it was 3 times a week and now it's every three months unless something comes up. I don't even have a tdoc now. I just go for the meds. I probably need a tdoc, but I just don't have the energy to put into finding one.

I'm on disability right now. No one in my family understands what it's like.

I don't know what to type, except that I know what it's like.

It gets better.

There are ups and downs, but it does get better.

Sorry I suck at the support type thing.

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I COMPLETELY feel you. Not being able to leave the house sucks. Not being able to get to work sucks. Good for you for making it 1 day this week at least.

Having friends that underplay your problems also sucks. They truly DON'T understand. I'm sure everyone has feelings of not wanting to get up in the morning, but it is a completely different thing when you CAN'T. I have a tendency to get all scared of leaving the house and have had semi-panic attacks about it. I get all paranoid that being around other people and having to face normal, everyday things is going to leave me vulnerable to more insanity and possibly lead to me driving into a tree. That's my big thing. When I feel like I am a danger to myself and other people just by leaving the comfort and security of my own place it is a very scary thing. That's when I usually sequester myself. Lately, I've been able to sequester myself for a few days and then be OK to go out and be around people. I take advantage of weekends, when I can sit on my couch alone for hours and tune out the world. Re-sets something in my head. And there is something about a messy apartement (messy really is an understatement) that is comforting to me as well. Bare floor makes me nervous.

I hate trying to convince people that I am having a hard time. In my own life, I can talk until I'm blue in the face, but until they actually SEE me lose my shit do they understand what is going through my head. And by then it's really too late. My advice? Don't rely on people who don't know anything about MI for understanding. They are just not able to. Society has a tendency to throw around words like "paranoid", "crazy", "depressed", "manic" without knowing what those words truly mean. If I tell a person I'm going "crazy" it means a completely different thing than if Joe-Schmo on the street says it. Their craziness will (probably) not mean danger to themselves or others.

Your head is rebelling against your life and you are doing all you can to deal. Maybe an intensive program is in order for you instead of dribs and drabs of help. If you can't work full time, you could try an outpatient program or something. If you really need your meds figured out, inpatient can be a good way to do it.

You're fighting the good fight. You really are. Keep it up. Small steps truly do make a difference.

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I'm going crazy. I'm tired of telling my friends how I feel and them telling me, "oh that's normal". It's not normal.

i so understand this, and i'm sorry you have to hear it too. it's maddening. and not helpful at all.

they're afraid for you and they need to downplay your symptoms to make themselves feel better about your pain. doesn't make it okay though.

you've done well even trying to work while you feel this way. you've got one up on me there ;)

one day at a time, is all i can say. it's all i tell myself when things are bad. tomorrow might be different. and if it isn't, i know this feeling doesn't last forever (if i get my meds straightened out that is - i hope you can do the same).

we're here to listen and we get it.

- lysergia

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It's so nice that people understand.

I'm trying to do the little things I can lifestyle wise. I get up a 6a and dressed right away on the weekdays. I get up at 7am on weekends. I go to bed around 10ish everynight. I'm not eating refined sugar or white flour, white bread/pasta. I see my tdoc every 2 weeks.

I just don't know what's going to help. My pdoc seems to want to take me off some of my medication because I've been on so much for so long. I don't know what that is suppose to do. He said something about my body chemistry.

I'd love it if faeries would break into my house and clean it.

Oreo

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Wow - you get up in the morning and actually shower? You're doing AMAZING then!

btw - I have "oreo kitties" too. 2 brothers about a year and a half. They watch me play Super Mario Brothers.

Don't get crazy. I don't shower in the morning. I have to shower in the afternoon after work and even that's not a regular thing. ;)

I love my "oreo kitty", too. He has some behavior issues but fortunately he's a love.

Oreo

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Work is so hard for me--I couldn't manage full time, so I went to every other day, but in the end, the ADD and BP and anxiety got me, I got fired today. Made a stupid mistake, and one doc just didn't lilke me (really) and had been looking for a reason, and I so gratiously gave it to him.

I just can't get up every day and showeer and all that--and now I have no need to and am really afraid I am gonna become a couch potato, just me and the fat ole asthmatic cat. I over-did the Klonopin at the holidays (actualy, my son took a bunch from me) and now I really need them and here I am, having to count out the mothers.

Came very close to a mixed fun session today, talking out loud to my self in this certain voice I find myself using--the mania and the anger and the depression all heading my way at full speed--but I made myself take a nap, even took a Unisom. Cause it was gonna be a really bad, messy one, I could tell. Had started picking up the crap on the floor with my fingers, talking to myself, etc. etc.

I moved up my tdoc appt. Have no idea what that will do--I am having bad physical problems, too, but at least the DH (see blog) has quit telling me that I am mis-diagnosed and need to be off all "those crazy meds" You wanna see crazy, big boy? I can do crazy--Batshit is my middle name.

I am sick, people, physically and mentally. And you know who is having the hardest time accepting that statement? me. I am pure-tee (as we say up in the hills) terrified.

How long can you actually nap during the day and still sleep at night (with Ambien CR my little friend) Cause I plan to do not much else but that/

china

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