In that deep dark place again

[Taz]

Here's a bit of an intro from me. I've been depressed (unipolar) on and off for at least 3 years. Found happiness for the first time in ages when I met a wonderful boyfriend a few months ago. However he's not yet separated (and I start to wonder if he ever will). His wife was out of the country but she's now come back. He's being weird/unreliable. My whole sense of security and happiness has been shattered. Since I cannot work, he pays for the house I'm renting and all of my bills are taken care of. If I lose him I have nothing. I'll have nobody. With or without a full time job I cannot afford even the rent here. I'm totally dependent on him. I love him. But he's being unreliable of late and frequently calling off dates / changing plans, sometimes not even ringing to tell me he can't come.

Lately I've gone from very happy to having huge mood swings. My happiness depends on hearing from him and being with him and feeling secure that I have a bright future with him. If that's threatened, I get very insecure and clingy. If he does a no show or doesn't call when he said he would I spend hours crying, sometimes I drink to dull the pain. I've spent so many hours in the past month bawling my eyes out. I'm depressed again I think. Even done some SI again, and had strong suicidal thoughts. On top of that I've got very high anxiety levels, always edgy, and panicky, thanks to my insecurity about this relationship.

I don't even know why I'm posting this other than I know I need HELP. I do go to therapy but I need more support than that. Thanks for listening so far. Can anyone please help me?

[olga]

Taz, you need a plan. I don't know if your therapist can help you with this, but you need to put together a plan to find a place that you CAN afford (maybe with a roommate?), and work towards the goal of being independent.

If you can't work, maybe your pdoc and tdoc can help you get the wheels rolling on filing papers to receive disability payments. If your area has job training for the indigent, you might be eligible for that once you aren't receiving money from him anymore.

Because you do understand that this relationship is doomed, right? He's married and has no intention of leaving his wife, so he set you up in an apartment for his convenience. I have no problem with a woman being a man's mistress: that's a decision that is very personal. The problem with it is the dependency when the lust/love/attraction wears off.

So, meet with your tdoc, or with a sensible friend and make a plan for getting out of this place. If you don't want to end up living under a bridge, you need to work on your plan NOW.

olga

[Taz]

Thanks Olga. Yes, I need a plan. I need a plan for if this doesn't work out. Thing is I only just moved house 6 weeks ago, I am not thinking of moving again so soon. He put me here into a place I cannot afford, it's in his name as well. He's responsible. He got me into this mess. Yes it's partly my own fault too.

It's just I'm so dependent on him, emotionally as well as financially. I need a life. My tdoc's said even before all this that you cannot have just one person to meet all your emotional needs. She's right. I need friends, confide in people, have other people to spend time with as well.

He was there for me in the beginning of the relationship, he stayed with me ~3 nights a week. I based my relationship with him on that (plus other things and what he told me). If it wasn't for that I would have thought it was just a fling and would not have got emotionally involved. But it's too late, I've fallen for him. We have great times together when we do see each other. But he's started to cancel dates more and more, I assume because of the kids. But it cuts me up whenever he does that, and if he doesn't ring.

He thinks he can make it up with expensive gifts. But that is not enough, I prefer his time and companionship and a sense of security about our future, over any gifts. I thought he was going to break up with his wife.

I feel so useless, I have no life. No life outside of him then.