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I want to die


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I'm not doing so well. I recently quit my job because I was miserable and beginning to doubt my choice of occupations. I was also aware that over the past couple of years I have turned into a person that I don't even know. And I don't like. The depression has been creeping on for months, but its hit me pretty bad the pat couple of months. Not sleeping well. Rotating between apathetic and crying. Most of its related to the soul searching and reflection I've been trying to do. Today I was going to make a collage of quotations to put on my wall and the uncomfortable feeling started in my chest. Then the waves of anxiety. Then the utter urge to scratch up my arms with my nails that I have been so proud of growing out. My whole body feels shaky, I want to grind my teeth and flap my arms. All I can think of is finding ways to slash myself. I lay down on the bed with my bird and felt a little better, but I finally popped some Dopamax and I'm, waiting for it to work I guess.

I'm taking care of my mom and my aunt right now and CANNOT show any weakness much less anything related to the BP. I just took a Seroquel. Things are getting out of control. My pdoc is supposed to call me tomorrow, but its really hard to hang on. Part of it might be that I'm in Minnesota and its been -30 degrees so I can't go anywhere without my skin freezing off, so I've been stuck in the house.

I really don't know what to do. I'm not calling the crisis line, because last time they told me to go for a walk or drink some tea. ?

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I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. It's really taxing to have to take care of other people. But don't forget to take care of yourself.

It's cute that you were laying down with your bird! Pets are the best. They take care of you.

What kind of bird do you have?

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I really don't know what to do. I'm not calling the crisis line, because last time they told me to go for a walk or drink some tea. ?

This wasn't a suicide hotline was it? A person could get killed doing that!

I bet it cuts down on the repeat callers though.

Hopefully you'll get as much (normal) sleep as possible between now and talking to the doctor tomorrow. It doesn't get anything done, but it's a far cry better than being awake and miserable. For the cruddy life situation, there are times when a mind-numbing job helps - you get paid to not think just do, for a while at least. Maybe that can buy you enough time to start getting your head straight again. Or not. My own head isn't screwed on straight, just mostly screwed.

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I have a baby cockatoo. He thinks the world revolves around him which of course it does.

Yes, the suicide hotline must have been a hippy hotline in disguise. I'm surprised they didn't suggest flower essences. (I am not condemning flower essences since I already tried them and they tasted like booze.)

I've decided to eat all of my night meds and go to sleep. Hopefully everyone else will get bored, be quiet, and go to sleep too.

Thanks.

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Hopefully you didn't take ALL of the meds at once...and just took the ones you needed...cauz, ya know, that would suck...bc we're getting cable internet just so I can send you that song bc we figured out all of our problems were with Verizon - we are such nerds that after I tried sending you that file like a million times, we started to do experiments. We experimented sending files back and forth to each other, video chatting with each other and watching our speed test at Verizon - our connection was crap - so on Wens, the cable dude is coming and we should have double the speed, so I can send you the file!

You were the impetus for us getting better internet! So I just wanted to say thank you and that I hope you had a good rest and that the Dopamax and Slurroquel helped you feel better. Hang tough - we'll throw you lines to pull you out of the rabbit hole....or type you mind-numbingly boring posts that will help you sleep ;) .

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hi jbella, just wanted to let you know i'm sorry you're feeling so crappy and i'm thinking of you. it's extremely stressful taking care of others, and it sounds like you have major cabin fever to boot, which i can sympathize with - it's brutally cold up here in ny. take care, get some good sleep, enjoy your baby 'too, and remember this too shall pass.

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Oh no! Bella!

I just saw this post - and I'm really sorry that things are sucking for you. I think you rock in a big way if that's any help. Have you had this kind of reaction to the ridiculous winters in MN before? I can't imagine it being -30, it feels like +21 here (at 1pm) and I am hating it. Hibernation is NOT good for me. I think I'm going to break down and let my mom buy me a light therapy lamp and see what happens.

Hopefully you've spoken to or seen your doc by now and got something to chill you out. My theory = When in doubt, sedate, sedate, sedate. At least for the short term, to help you not do any of those things that you described in the first post.

If I could, I would wisk you away from the arctic north and we could lay on a beach in Jamaica. In fact, I'm closing my eyes and visualizing that very thing. *squeezes eyes tight*

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Not the dreaded 'return of mixed states'

I so feel for you... and no help is better than un knowing help when the suicide demon perches on your shoulder. I so hope the crisis people you mention found work elsewhere real soon after the 'helpful hints' they passed on to you.

Oh, taking care of others. I relate. My 91yr old mum is going blind and this is my latest take care of project. I hope you take care of yourself first. Us caretakers do have a bottom too.. and can only give so much. . . It so sucks trying to 'deny' our own illness as it must be less important than others needs,, right? .. hmmm ..

Hope your feeling better now. . let's know, K?

david

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jbella, i hope youre feeling better by now and have seen your dr. i hope he was able to give you the advice you needed to get you through and that youre on the right path again. i know for me, im back to homeschooling my young kids and i have to take it real slow as if theres too much on my plate i wont be able to handle it. hang in there! you deserve the very best. you were so encouraging to me in my despair over a year ago. and your concern for me really touched me. you have so much to offer! {{hugs}}

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