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Hi I know you are tired of hearing me being depressed over the last year but its that time of year again! Same crap, different year. First the good news. I am no longer delusional about the aliens being after me. The new medicine I am on (Geodon) is helping with that. The thought insertion is 95% gone. I still have some bad days with that the last one was about a week ago. Most of the time I am not getting the thought insertion or delusions about them. Thank God for that. Every time around birthdays I get an episode of some kind. Last episode was in October and that believe it or not a manic episode. That lasted for a few months. I thought my art was going to change the world and I was going to be rich and famous within a year. I felt like I was on top of the world and nothing could go wrong. Back then I would get all hyper and stuff. Now things are changing and I am not happy. There are some good things that are going on such as me having an art show and going to an autism conference in my area. I feel even those things are destined to failure. I am a failure and I am a burden on my family. My mom has to drive me everywhere and wait for hours when I am at my appointments or art lessons. I don't drive for a number of reasons. One of those reasons is the fact that I go catatonic, I have different personalities (I have three young personalities and they ain't know nothing. They are a baby, a 2 year old, and a 5 year old. You wouldn't let them drive, would you?), my reaction time is way too slow and I don't notice things right away, and there are a few other reasons but I wouldn't be a safe driver and that is all I'll say about it. I am 24 years old and in less than a month I will be 25 years young. I hate being old. I do nothing useful at my age, I still live at home, make no money, and have no job. Most of the time I am going to art lessons, or sleeping because my pills or my depression makes me so tired and I have no energy. I think I am going to be a total failure. My brother will make millions of dollars as a top game programmer. He is in college and the top of his class. My family spends too much money on me and I think our financial problems is all my fault. They spend money on my art supplies, the social security money I get only helps a little. I make $600 a month and I'm afraid that is all I will make for the rest of my life. Of course there will be cost of living increases in there and it might go up a few dollars but it makes me sad that I am not making much. I'm scared that I will end up on the streets soon. I told my dad last week that the report will be negative even though there were "positive" rumors going around. My dad works at Intel. I made a prediction that the stock would fall to $15 a share, especially if the recession happens. Right now its $19 a share and it was $25 a share when I made that prediction earlier this year. If you follow the markets it is depressing lately. My dad said if it hits my prediction, he will quit his job because all his effort is for nothing except failure. Then where in the hell is the money going to come from? We will end up super poor or on the streets begging for money. All my business does is cost money without making a dime. It is financially draining my family. I have an art business in where I put my designs on T- shirts and other items. Besides all this my pills are making me a fat, ugly person. I have gained 80 pounds over the past year or so. I have been on almost every pill known to mankind. Most of the pills failed to work until the recent ones like Invega and Geodon. I am not worried about the Geodon putting on weight because that pill doesn't do that. It is all the ones I have been on for the past year. So, I am going to die because I am fat. See, if I go off the pills I will go psychotic and 100 times worse than I am now. I would probably die by trying to get the non existent device out of my brain like I was going to a few weeks ago when I had all these bizarre beliefs about the aliens. I might even hear voices and stuff without the pills. But if I stay on them I will gain 500 pounds and die because I am too obese. It is a lose-lose situation and that is making me depressed. I am also depressed because as mentioned before the burden I put on the family. I am not suicidal right now but if dad quits, or anything else bad happens, I might become so. I feel like that everything goes for the worst for my family. I'm scared. So, what do I do? I feel like I am destined for failure in my art career. That is the only thing I can do because I am so dumb in everything else. I am so dumb I have an IQ of -50, the lowest ever recorded by a human being. I can't believe that I have an IQ that low! That means I am not capable of doing anything useful. I know I need help.

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