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oh God the depression is back


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I've sort of felt different the past couple of weeks. All I want to do is sleep and nothing else. I can't even get the motivation up to do my work and I work at HOME. I have two little babies to keep up with that are 3 and 1 and I just can't even hardly keep up with them. But today and yesterday I've noticed that it is the depression. The black hole. The worst black hole. The kind that even my Zyprexa is not bringing me out of and it's scaring the shit out of me. I've tried to take a Klonopin. I sleep. Ativan. Sleep. Xanax. Sleep. Rozerem last night.. sleep. I lay in bed at night and worry, worry, worry so I can't fall asleep and then I can't wake up. I've slept all day while my kids play at my feet. I feel dread... like I'm a gerbil on a treadmill. I don't feel suicidal but I sure as hell ain't in the mood to live like this either. I feel like going to the hospital but have no one to watch my kids so I have to suffer it out until tomorrow when I can talk to a pdoc on the phone... who will just give me an appointment in X weeks' time and tell me to come in. So what do I do UNTIL then?

When I do go in, they'll blame me for the depression... "well you shouldn't have self-weaned off the Lamictal." Ummm I was completely BLIND on Lamictal. "Well you missed X visit." Well pardon me, but I barely could get out of bed that day more or less drive all this way to come be ridiculed by YOU!"

I just can't take this bullshit anymore. why can't I just be manic? I don't mind mania. I PREFER mania. Can I induce myself into mania, please? Sheesh!

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One of the things that probably isn't helping is all the benzos. They are likely helping the depression along rather than halting it or lifting your mood. I would stay away from them right now, were I you.

I'm glad you are calling your doctor, as you obviously can't be expected to continue like this. You can't function. Your care providers may give you a hard time about missing an appointment and I can't say whether or not they are justified in doing this. I do know that we have to do our bet to keep up with our treatment. If doing your best means just getting up in the morning, than you have done well. But if you can make it to your appointment, and you didn't, you aren't doing your work.

Like I said, though, I don't know one way or the other. The responsible thing to do, though, is to call and cancel.

Realize your relationship with your doctors are in a way a business relationship, so sometimes they are going to tell you things that hurt, that suck, that make you feel like crap.

They may be true.

BUT, that doesn't make you a bad person. Maybe you should have called your doctor about weaning off of the Lamictal, but it doesn't mean that losing sight is an ok side effect.

If you need to be talked to a different way or simply don't like your doctors, do everything you can to find new ones. It can make all the difference.

As for how you are feeling right now, you ar right in that there isn't much to do right this moment. There isn't anything that will instantly drag you out of your current mood state.

But, you can try to start improving it. Pick one thing to do that you need to get done that you think will give you a sense of accomplishment. Even if it is very small. Folding the laundry. Half the laundry. A quarter of it.

Walking around the block. Cooking a meal. Straightening your bedside table, or wiping down the counters in your kitchen.

Smaller- washing your face and brushing your hair. I know when I feel like crap I forget little things like that sometimes.

When it comes to your work, break it up into little tiny bits. DOn't tackle it all at once or you will feel really overwhelmed.

Whatever you do do, make sure you call your doctor and tell them what is going on. It's important so that you can figure out what to do. And be very clear with them that you need to start to see some relief now and ask what can be done NOW since you are not functioning at all.

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Thanks for replying and posting this. I actually laid off the benzos yesterday and slept off what was left in my system. I was able to take out trash, get dishes done, give the baby a bath, and take a shower myself today, so I feel somewhat accomplished.

I was listening to Dr. Drew Pinsky talk about depression on CNN when they were talking about Heath Ledger's death and how 1 in 5 depressed people commit suicide. That is a horrifying statistic but I can soooo see it.

My meds are definitely not doing the job. I have a laundry list of changes i want to make. I think I need to find a new pdoc. I have avoidant personality disorder, so I totally suck at making phone calls and talking to people on the phone.... I'm gonna try to do it tomorrow though. I think I'll research some tonight.

Thanks for the ideas.. I will use them all this week!

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