Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Hi ho, hi ho...


Recommended Posts

I can officially no longer deal with the crap floating around my body mood wise. It's like a build up of cholesterol. A mass of craziness that just floats around my body waiting to get stuck somewhere. It'll get lodged in an artery and explode at it's will.

I fessed up at work on Friday that I was suicidal to a coworker that I've been close to for about 20 years . Who, when I had told him he could, got my family involved. They took the car keys and drove me to my doc. Doc says I should go to hospital for a few days and then they will get me into some IOP. Different hospital and different IOP than last time, I told them I didn't was to be with a bunch of involuntary's. And no mice running around the eating area. That grossed me out with the last place. So going to a "real" hospital, not a psych/rehab place. Didn't go Friday so I wouldn't get stuck with some on call Joe Schmo, but today so that once the "real" docs get in Monday morning my melancholy face will be what they see. Here I am. Fix me.

Isn't it odd the clarity you get sometimes? I am fairly calm (looking) and able to express my thoughts. It's like I'm another person, evaluating that other crazy chick.

I'm not all that hopeful that the hospital stay will do anything. Maybe it will hit a reset button somewhere in my psyche. Which will do what you ask? Who knows. Good news is that they will probably only keep me for 2 - 3 days. So maybe I'll be out for my 31st B-day on Thursday. If it is lame I am going to be bummed. I brought my journal, some books, some crocheting that I hope they will let me keep, and some DVDs so that if I really luck out they'll have a dvd player. I told my doc Friday that I'd rather just go to one of those celebrity spa/hospitals. So I can get my meds checked and get a facial. He thought that wasn't the best idea for some reason.

So I'm off. T'will be an experience, if nothing else.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Isn't it odd the clarity you get sometimes? I am fairly calm (looking) and able to express my thoughts. It's like I'm another person, evaluating that other crazy chick.

sounds like you have a great coworker/friend there, I'm glad that they got you on this path--

and it also sounds like you have a pretty good outlook on the whole experience- leaving it open to the possibilities but not hinging everything on a life-altering-miracle-cure in 3 days.

I know what you mean about the clarity thing-- it's a really odd feeling. I love the way you put it though "It's like I'm another person, evaluating that other crazy chick." I think I'll keep that if you don't mind ;)

goodluck sg, wishing you the best (stay open to those possibilities!)

m

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Isn't it odd the clarity you get sometimes? I am fairly calm (looking) and able to express my thoughts. It's like I'm another person, evaluating that other crazy chick.

like meg, this jumped right out at me. so well put. yeah, i know exactly what you mean! but that clarity is a gift, and good for you for doing what you needed to. i hope this turns out to be a great hospital, with great docs, and that things look more hopeful soon. let us know how you're doing.

bean

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hey SG - I hope the hospital stay is nice and comfy with no escaped lab rats roaming around and nibbling through the cereal boxes and leaving little gifties this time :) . I hope the clarity based chick kick's the crazy chick's ass while you're in their and you can come out and not wonder about what X will do to your "friends" and kick the pot habit. Basically, I hope for wellness for you....but I don't know if you can keep the crochet needles - what if crazy chick tries to stab clarity chick in the neck? Yup, they'll prolly take those away....but they'll let you keep the books and stuff, they seem harmless to me ;) .

Have a nice restful stay and come back to us all better, ok?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Good luck, SG.

The "clarity" and the "other chick" (person) jumped out at me, too. But not in a good way. I'm not sure it's a "gift". But not sure exactly how you meant it.

I find, for myself, that when I pull away from my "crazy" self and have what I consider a "distance", not a "clarity", that it's actually bad for me. Tdoc says I tend to dissociate. I pull away from actually "feeling" and dealing with the problem and become a watcher.

I hope that's not what you meant. I hope you can actually get at some of your issues, not just temporarily avoid them.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Guest SG_Unreg

Hey all -

I'm in the hospital and they allow 15 minutes of internet time and I don't feel like writing to people. And they won't let you on facebook dammit!!

I had to spend Sunday in the ER, which wasn't horrible, but sucked pretty bad. I had all kinds of anxiety right before going, I wanted to run and hide. But unfortunately my mom wouldn't let me. I finally got to the ward on Monday. They knocked me out with some seroquel for a day, until they actually listened to me that it makes me semi-conscious. Changed some meds a little, a bit more Effexor, more Risperdal. I think I had problems this AM because they increased my Effexor and didn't give me enough trazadone last night. Freaking out in generally.

My problem currently is that I can not stop crying. I think because I've been pretending to be OK for such a long time, now that I'm letting it out it won't stop. It's funny, last week I remember thinking that I physically couldn't cry, now I physically can't stop. I'm coming to grips with just how low I am. The suicidal thoughts just don't go away. I feel so negative about myself and that there is no one who can help me. Like I have to completely rely on myself and I suck so that's not going to work.

Secondly, tomorrow is my birthday. How much does it SUCK DONKEY BALLS that I have to spend my B-day in the psych ward? My mom said she'll bring cupcakes, but that makes me feel like I'm in kindergarten. She also said that we'll just pretend my B-day is next thursday. But I know I'll be crying a lot tomorrow.

Bottom line - I have no idea when I'll be getting out. Unless I stop telling people that I'm thinking of killing myself I may never get out. Bah. I'll keep you updated. If for no other reason for something to do. Thanks for listening.

SG

Link to comment
Share on other sites

it'll stop sometime. you just got to let the river finish flooding, you know? it'll quit when there's nothing left there to pour out.

sucks about your birthday. how about celebrating 'get out of psych ward' day?

i really hope they give you a boost. i miss you around here. you're a fun person, i hate to see you down.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

hey gwen, i second everything that reddog said.

the only thing that's constant is change. you will feel differently (hopefully better) at some point soon. your job is to be patient and stay alive until then. you can do this.

yeah, it does suck about your birthday. maybe you can have a mega-celebration when you feel better and go home, to make up for it. for now you're doing what you need to do, and that takes guts. hang in there. keep us posted. we care about you.

bean

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I bet you could sweet talk the psych nurses to let you bring in a private facialist or masseuse. I just came on this board tonight, can't sleep . . . but being inside that box when ending it seems the inescapable way forward is bad news and you are doing the right thing for yourself.

i

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I LOVE the idea of a "reset " button--I have always wondered if we had a "control-alt-delete" we could just reset everything.

Hang in there, kiddo--you're in all of our thoughts and much wishes for healing and strength--take your time. You did just the right thing.

Many hugs for your birthday--

china

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Hi SG:

I love steve's idea about time & hospitals!!

fwiw - i have never believed time was linear.

secondly - all that you are missing is election stuff...and oh the super bowl - if you are interested in sports.

im glad you are taking care of yourself.

i hope you had a happy birthday and that you have another happy birthday when you get out of the hospital.

much love,

december

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lesseee - Happy Birthday (3 days late, but not without all the love that goes with it) - you ROCK babes - take time to heal...it's ok to let yourself feel like crap and let other people take care of you for a while. Sometimes we feel like we have to be superheroes and when it all falls down, we're left feeling so alone and scared. You are stronger than you know and once the tears stop, you'll remember that.

Why do we fall down?

So we can get back up again.

I wish you all the best - you'll have lots of time to celebrate birthdays, years and years of 'em (and at some point you may want to forget to celebrate a few...lol)...just take this time to get well and celebrate every damned day after that!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...