GroovyGwen Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 I can officially no longer deal with the crap floating around my body mood wise. It's like a build up of cholesterol. A mass of craziness that just floats around my body waiting to get stuck somewhere. It'll get lodged in an artery and explode at it's will. I fessed up at work on Friday that I was suicidal to a coworker that I've been close to for about 20 years . Who, when I had told him he could, got my family involved. They took the car keys and drove me to my doc. Doc says I should go to hospital for a few days and then they will get me into some IOP. Different hospital and different IOP than last time, I told them I didn't was to be with a bunch of involuntary's. And no mice running around the eating area. That grossed me out with the last place. So going to a "real" hospital, not a psych/rehab place. Didn't go Friday so I wouldn't get stuck with some on call Joe Schmo, but today so that once the "real" docs get in Monday morning my melancholy face will be what they see. Here I am. Fix me. Isn't it odd the clarity you get sometimes? I am fairly calm (looking) and able to express my thoughts. It's like I'm another person, evaluating that other crazy chick. I'm not all that hopeful that the hospital stay will do anything. Maybe it will hit a reset button somewhere in my psyche. Which will do what you ask? Who knows. Good news is that they will probably only keep me for 2 - 3 days. So maybe I'll be out for my 31st B-day on Thursday. If it is lame I am going to be bummed. I brought my journal, some books, some crocheting that I hope they will let me keep, and some DVDs so that if I really luck out they'll have a dvd player. I told my doc Friday that I'd rather just go to one of those celebrity spa/hospitals. So I can get my meds checked and get a facial. He thought that wasn't the best idea for some reason. So I'm off. T'will be an experience, if nothing else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themind Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 Keep us posted. I hope that you can find some peace... If they find the reset button to your psyche, PLEASE let me know where it is! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meg Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 Isn't it odd the clarity you get sometimes? I am fairly calm (looking) and able to express my thoughts. It's like I'm another person, evaluating that other crazy chick. sounds like you have a great coworker/friend there, I'm glad that they got you on this path-- and it also sounds like you have a pretty good outlook on the whole experience- leaving it open to the possibilities but not hinging everything on a life-altering-miracle-cure in 3 days. I know what you mean about the clarity thing-- it's a really odd feeling. I love the way you put it though "It's like I'm another person, evaluating that other crazy chick." I think I'll keep that if you don't mind goodluck sg, wishing you the best (stay open to those possibilities!) m Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
december_brigette Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 hi SG: going through med change AND getting a facial, massages, etc does sound wonderful. i wonder why the good stuff isnt incorporated in all hospitals. oh yeah, most are cheap bastards. im glad you have the clarity of this decision and i hope much wellness for you!! love, db Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AirMarshall Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 Sounds like a good plan Gwen. Do what the doctors suggest and don't be in a hurry to get home. Getting better is more important. best, a.m. p.s. I'll keep a close watch on the E! channel to see if you appear on any of the rehab shows! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zenbean Posted January 27, 2008 Share Posted January 27, 2008 Isn't it odd the clarity you get sometimes? I am fairly calm (looking) and able to express my thoughts. It's like I'm another person, evaluating that other crazy chick. like meg, this jumped right out at me. so well put. yeah, i know exactly what you mean! but that clarity is a gift, and good for you for doing what you needed to. i hope this turns out to be a great hospital, with great docs, and that things look more hopeful soon. let us know how you're doing. bean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangergirl Posted January 28, 2008 Share Posted January 28, 2008 Hey SG - I hope the hospital stay is nice and comfy with no escaped lab rats roaming around and nibbling through the cereal boxes and leaving little gifties this time . I hope the clarity based chick kick's the crazy chick's ass while you're in their and you can come out and not wonder about what X will do to your "friends" and kick the pot habit. Basically, I hope for wellness for you....but I don't know if you can keep the crochet needles - what if crazy chick tries to stab clarity chick in the neck? Yup, they'll prolly take those away....but they'll let you keep the books and stuff, they seem harmless to me . Have a nice restful stay and come back to us all better, ok? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lachesis Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Get well soon SG Maybe one of the nurses will give you some great knitting mags to inspire you for later on. Wishing you health and happiness. Hooray for psych wards that keep getting crappier. Where would we be without them I wonder. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve@3AM Posted January 29, 2008 Share Posted January 29, 2008 Good luck, SG. The "clarity" and the "other chick" (person) jumped out at me, too. But not in a good way. I'm not sure it's a "gift". But not sure exactly how you meant it. I find, for myself, that when I pull away from my "crazy" self and have what I consider a "distance", not a "clarity", that it's actually bad for me. Tdoc says I tend to dissociate. I pull away from actually "feeling" and dealing with the problem and become a watcher. I hope that's not what you meant. I hope you can actually get at some of your issues, not just temporarily avoid them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SG_Unreg Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 Hey all - I'm in the hospital and they allow 15 minutes of internet time and I don't feel like writing to people. And they won't let you on facebook dammit!! I had to spend Sunday in the ER, which wasn't horrible, but sucked pretty bad. I had all kinds of anxiety right before going, I wanted to run and hide. But unfortunately my mom wouldn't let me. I finally got to the ward on Monday. They knocked me out with some seroquel for a day, until they actually listened to me that it makes me semi-conscious. Changed some meds a little, a bit more Effexor, more Risperdal. I think I had problems this AM because they increased my Effexor and didn't give me enough trazadone last night. Freaking out in generally. My problem currently is that I can not stop crying. I think because I've been pretending to be OK for such a long time, now that I'm letting it out it won't stop. It's funny, last week I remember thinking that I physically couldn't cry, now I physically can't stop. I'm coming to grips with just how low I am. The suicidal thoughts just don't go away. I feel so negative about myself and that there is no one who can help me. Like I have to completely rely on myself and I suck so that's not going to work. Secondly, tomorrow is my birthday. How much does it SUCK DONKEY BALLS that I have to spend my B-day in the psych ward? My mom said she'll bring cupcakes, but that makes me feel like I'm in kindergarten. She also said that we'll just pretend my B-day is next thursday. But I know I'll be crying a lot tomorrow. Bottom line - I have no idea when I'll be getting out. Unless I stop telling people that I'm thinking of killing myself I may never get out. Bah. I'll keep you updated. If for no other reason for something to do. Thanks for listening. SG Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
reddog Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 it'll stop sometime. you just got to let the river finish flooding, you know? it'll quit when there's nothing left there to pour out. sucks about your birthday. how about celebrating 'get out of psych ward' day? i really hope they give you a boost. i miss you around here. you're a fun person, i hate to see you down. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zenbean Posted January 30, 2008 Share Posted January 30, 2008 hey gwen, i second everything that reddog said. the only thing that's constant is change. you will feel differently (hopefully better) at some point soon. your job is to be patient and stay alive until then. you can do this. yeah, it does suck about your birthday. maybe you can have a mega-celebration when you feel better and go home, to make up for it. for now you're doing what you need to do, and that takes guts. hang in there. keep us posted. we care about you. bean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve@3AM Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 There's a little known 'law' that "Time stops when you're in the hospital." Time - and your birthday - doesn't start 'til you're out. When that happens, "Happy Birthday." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Colers125 Posted January 31, 2008 Share Posted January 31, 2008 i hope they give you the good stuff. the night they gave me restoril to sleep was the best night of sleep i've had in a while. all the best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gretchen Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 I bet you could sweet talk the psych nurses to let you bring in a private facialist or masseuse. I just came on this board tonight, can't sleep . . . but being inside that box when ending it seems the inescapable way forward is bad news and you are doing the right thing for yourself. i Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chinacat Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 I LOVE the idea of a "reset " button--I have always wondered if we had a "control-alt-delete" we could just reset everything. Hang in there, kiddo--you're in all of our thoughts and much wishes for healing and strength--take your time. You did just the right thing. Many hugs for your birthday-- china Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
december_brigette Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Hi SG: I love steve's idea about time & hospitals!! fwiw - i have never believed time was linear. secondly - all that you are missing is election stuff...and oh the super bowl - if you are interested in sports. im glad you are taking care of yourself. i hope you had a happy birthday and that you have another happy birthday when you get out of the hospital. much love, december Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scatty Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Happy belated birthday!! I wish you the best. Let us know how you're doing when you can! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crowly19 Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Happy belated birthday I hope you feel better Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangergirl Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Lesseee - Happy Birthday (3 days late, but not without all the love that goes with it) - you ROCK babes - take time to heal...it's ok to let yourself feel like crap and let other people take care of you for a while. Sometimes we feel like we have to be superheroes and when it all falls down, we're left feeling so alone and scared. You are stronger than you know and once the tears stop, you'll remember that. Why do we fall down? So we can get back up again. I wish you all the best - you'll have lots of time to celebrate birthdays, years and years of 'em (and at some point you may want to forget to celebrate a few...lol)...just take this time to get well and celebrate every damned day after that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChemistryExperiment Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Get Well Soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 3, 2008 Share Posted February 3, 2008 Supergwen, I always had a soft spot for ya and I hope this is a helpful time for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
witchywoman Posted February 4, 2008 Share Posted February 4, 2008 I hope everything works out for you and your stay is helpful. Good thoughts coming your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themind Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 Dropping in to say that you have been in my thoughts and I hope that things are getting leveled out and what not. And a few days late...happy celebration of your LIFE day! It may not seem this way to you, but you are truly celebrating your life by taking this time to heal and grow and nurture your self. And that is the best gift you could get! Take care and keep us posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GroovyGwen Posted February 6, 2008 Author Share Posted February 6, 2008 Let me take this time to personally address each person who posted a response... no wait, that would take way too long. OK - let me take this time to address everyone as a group and let's pretend I addressed each and every one of you personally. Dear (insert name here) , Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. I cannot express how much it means to me to have your support at a time when I am at the bottom of my own barrel feeling helpless and hopeless. Please give yourself a big hug and pretend I am wrapping my arms around you and squeezing tight. I only hope that I can be as supportive and kind to you when you need it and even when you don't. All my love and appreciation, Wende I got out on Monday and went to IOP yesterday, which I am very hopeful about. I spent Monday evening and Tuesday afternoon organizing my apartment with my mom. She did so much work at my hovel of a dwelling while I was away. Shoveled through my piles, washed all the clothes, vacuumed (sp?) and wiped pretty much everything down. She took all the clothes to her house to wash, then we sorted through everything. I gave away or threw out 2 gigantic garbage bags of clothes, and easily 25 pairs of shoes. It's amazing how much crap I had. I had some serious anxiety about leaving the hospital. Having to face the same situations that put you in the hospital in the first place is tough. Most of the anxiety lifted when I walked out the doors into the fresh air. Maybe it was oxygen deprivation. Most of my anxiety is focused on getting back to work, which I did today. Facing the people and facing the work worries me. The people have been cool so far about not asking questions while inquiring about how I am. I had planned on working fulltime while going to IOP, on the 2 days I go to IOP going into work at 8, leaving from 10 - 2:30 for IOP, then returning to work and working late to make up for the hours missed. After discussing it with the clinicians, they have recommended doing less so I don't overextend myself. The hard part is getting my boss/dad to be OK with it. Or if not being OK with it, at least consenting to it. I'm going to attempt to speak with him after roleplaying the conversation at IOP and possibly having a clinician speak to him about it. Scary. Another thing that is hard is the bf thing. My bf drinks just about every night, and while I've been OK with it and not drinking with him, it was mentioned by several people that this is a problem. How can he support me in my alcohol abstinence while subjecting me to be around it? So I will have to talk to him about it. Also, the only things we talk about are current events, movies or books. He just doesn't open up to anyone and I can tell he gets uncomfortable when I try to open up to him. He didn't visit me in the hospital, he didn't ask any questions beyond "How are you?" expecting a 1-word answer, and while he says I can ask him for whatever I need, I know that he cannot change this. I will however speak to him about it and try to get a little more emotional support. It's hard to be in a relationship with a person who cannot support me. I can talk at him, but not have any kind of conversation. Another annoying thing - I originally thought I was going to be in the hospital for 3 days, getting out Wednesday or Thursday of last week and we had made plans to go into NYC on Saturday to celebrate my b-day. I told him on Wednesday that I'd be in the hospital through Monday and his response was "But we were supposed to do something on Saturday!" How ridiculous is that. Our relationship may not be long for this world. The alcohol/pot abstinence is hard. I had some pot dust left which I smoked along with some resin, and it got me just high enough to notice. I have identified that when I'm high and think "God I feel so much better now, I'm must be really miserable when I'm not high" are completely false. I don't think my "regular" life sucks when I'm not high, I think my "regular" life sucks when I am high. Obsessively getting high leads to missing work, eating too much, and depression afterwards. None of which are positive. It's OK to want it, but it is also OK to tell myself "No". No, you cannot have pot. No, you cannot have alcohol. As much as that voice may protest, I'm not doing it. Even now I almost wrote, "well maybe once in awhile down the road" but even that's not possible. No. My conscious mind must soothe my subconscious mind while at the same time putting it's foot down. The fight of the 2 Wende's. Through it all, I'm hanging in there. Definitely taking it slow, a day at a time or even 5 minutes at a time. I still have uncontrollable urges to cry, I had one this morning and am having one now, but I've realized that crying is way better than suffering alone internally. So I'm going to go to the bank and cry on the way there and probably the way back. I may respond again as I reread the responses. Maybe not. But I will reread the responses for support. Thanks again to all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangergirl Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 I'm glad that you're out and feeling better...it also seems that you're realizing that your old habits didn't help you...and that some of your old relationships weren't really helping you either. That happens sometimes - as we get well, we find that we've "outgrown" our old friends....it's ok though, bc we find new, more healthy friends who encourage our growth and wellness. It's scary, but it's a good scary. My wish for you is peace, courage and wellness. Hugs back atcha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zenbean Posted February 6, 2008 Share Posted February 6, 2008 I don't think my "regular" life sucks when I'm not high, I think my "regular" life sucks when I am high. Obsessively getting high leads to missing work, eating too much, and depression afterwards. None of which are positive...My conscious mind must soothe my subconscious mind while at the same time putting it's foot down. The fight of the 2 Wende's. wende, that's some great insight. you sound ready to take things on, on your own terms. i know (as my tdoc constantly reminds me) that realizing it is one thing, and acting on it is another, but realizing it is huge. welcome back and good luck - keep letting us know how you're doing, ok? bean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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