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the racing thoughts are coming back


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hi (long time no see, sorry)

kinda ;)

somehow, after a pretty nice feelgood period, i'm experiencing anxiety and impulsivity again. i wanna hurt people, or myself, i want to destroy things, i'm fantasizing about death again. i'm not SU, i just daydream about 1001 ways to die. what worries me more is the impulsivity, i feel like something's shaking inside me, like something's about to reach the boiling point and there's no escape for that steam, so the only way to release it is by exploding. like something "jumps" inside me....omg how to explain? it's the sensation you have when you're standing at the edge of a cliff, or somewhere really high, and you feel the impulse to jump. yadda yadda yadda i don't know what to do.

the problem is, i have a job now, i have responsibilities and i cannot fail. i feel like it's my fault feeling this way, like i provoked it, and it sucks because i had been feeling good without any sort of drama for over a month.

i'm gonna call my t tomorrow, but i don't think i'm seeing her until tuesday. in the meantime, i'm gonna scratch the walls...

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Can you think of what might have triggered this off for you?

Actions that spring to mind that might be helpful are:

* removing sharps/med stockpiles

* Having crisis helplines numbers nearby

* confiding in relatives/friends that things are hard

* making a doctors appointment

* taking it easy at work

* getting enough sleep and food

* avoiding caffeine, alcohol and stimulants

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It's so not your fault it's the MI talking.

Zyprexa is the only one that worked for me regarding endless thoughts and voices.

In my CBT when the thoughts come up I have to challenge them, provide evidence for and against etc. It's hard work but it does seem to help in quietening them down. Then there's the Mindfulness Meditations but when they racing round my head doesn't really work or does for about a minute!!

Hawk

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Hawk's advice is good - I get like this too and am still trying to find ways of dealing with it...and yes, I have to stop and check my thought - is this real, or is it just my fucked up brain? Usually it's the brain and not me...sometimes that settles me down...when it doesn't, I go through a cost-benefit analysis of acting on my impulses - what relief will I get through the destructive behavior vs the consequences of the behavior? Nine times out of ten, the consequences far out-weigh the benefits, so I don't do it. Usually, head banging music and intense aerobic excercise (to the point of wanting to barf) releases this for me...or I do push-ups until I collapse with wobbly arms.

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As far as what brings me out of the batshit manic phase=Zyprexa Zydis. I've been rapid cycling manic/suicidal depression constantly lately, so pdoc as of today is replacing my Invega with Zyprexa. As you can imagine, I am a very high strung person to be on Lithium, Seroquel, Trazodone, and now Zyprexa, and still be a manic insomniac. So you're not alone. Hope you can get to a pdoc and get some meds to calm you down.

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hey

thanks for all your advice, and sorry for not replying before, been having some tech difficulties here...

anyway

i talked to my t and all i got was a crying breakdown... i don't know if that was a good or a bad thing, because i thought i would never stop crying. i haven't seen my pdoc, but in a past prescription he indicated to increase to half a pill of risperdal. i think it's been working, but not doing all the hard work. i mean, the racing thoughts come and go, and so does the funny sensation in my stomach (something similar to gastritis) but it's been manageable. the problem is

;)

the suicidal ideation is coming back, for no apparent reason. i'm not depressed, hopeless or disappointed, i just want to jump in front of a car or a train and see what happens. sometimes i forget about my family and friends and the thought seems too real. i've tried to figure out what triggers that thought but i haven't found anything yet. it just comes and goes, like a crave for chocolate. you remember chocolate exists and you desperately want one.

sorry for the long reply, but i really needed to get all this out of my chest, i can't tell my mom i'm su again, you know?

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