work, work, work

[OreoKitty]

I don't know what my problem is. I still have such a problem going to work. I don't necessarily feel depressed. I feel apathetic, just like who cares. Of course just 2 weeks ago I was dwelling on suicide. I'm having odd intrusive thoughts every few weeks.

I'm missing a couple of days at least a week. I tell them I'm working at home. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't.

Once I'm at work, it's okay although I don't have the energy to work a full day. It takes a lot to work the whole day.

It just seems that I don't have the energy to leave the house. I feel safe here. But like I said, I'm not very depressed at the moment. I should be going to work. It's not that hard. What's my problem?

I know my mood is not normal right now, but it hasn't been normal for quite awhile. I'm running low. And now I'm starting to come off meds with my pdocs help (at his suggestion).

I really do want to keep my job and not go on disability. I just wish I could motivate myself.

Oreo

[crowly19]

Hi when i was first diagnosed as bipolar leaning towards deppesion my pdoc to me something that stuck with me. He said i need to take my meds work out and force myself to do things and i would feel better. so when there is something i cant do i force myself to do as much as i can. You could try to do that it might help your mood to see people and get out a little. Or not?

[gentledove]

I can relate a lot- curious- taking you off meds completely?

Right now I am forcing myself to have to get out and exercise, which I hate. But agreed with my husband to have to get out and do this, since he recently found out

that I have had a lot of suicidal thoughts. Comprimised on kickboxing, should be fun.

I agree I do not want to go on SSD either, good days are great, and bad days are terrible. Its the not caring about anything that baffles me cus on good days its gone.

Sorry to restate what you just said. I think you aslked a million dollar question. Thanks for your honesty-

gentledove

[rzettler]

I think alot of people end up 'stuck' in their homes. I called it apartment inertia, and it keeps me in mine a disturbing amount of the time. I find that just taking a shower, getting dressed, and then running some mundane, short errand tends to make the rest of the day easier to cope with.

It breaks the inertia.

Of course, even realizing this, I can seldom bring myself to do it on an 'off' day.

Best of luck to you either way. I wish I had a better answer.

[EdithE]

I have to agree with rz on the showers and mundane errands, but you really have to give yourself a little CBT talk about how awesome it is that you've actually managed to do those things, because it is a HUGE inertial hurdle. I've got the defeatest self talk down pretty good, so I can actually convince myself that showers and mundane errands somehow make me more pathetic.

I have 3 main modes to work:

1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT OH MY GOD I JUST HAVE SO MANY INTERESTING PROJECTS AND THERE IS SO MUCH TO LEARN AND SO MANY AWESOME QUESTIONS TO ASK PLEASE GIVE ME MORE WORK BECAUSE I CAN SO DO IT (obviously hypomanic).

2. i'm scared (terrified) of leaving the apt because i'd have to drive there and then when i get there everyone will hate me anyway and i'm so stupid and everyone will find out that i am and oh crap why did i ask for so much work i can't handle this at all (I'm guessing mixed state? That's a relatively new one for me so I'm still figuring it out.)

3. I feel mildly crappy, IC pain and I work from home a lot in the mornings or come in late. Mostly it's a mild guilt that I'm not really working very hard, but no one really notices anyway (or at least I have convinced myself that's the case), so it's not a big deal. It's mostly just painfully boring.

So, yeah, no employee of the year awards for ME any time soon.

[OreoKitty]

I have 3 main modes to work:

1. I LOVE LOVE LOVE IT OH MY GOD I JUST HAVE SO MANY INTERESTING PROJECTS AND THERE IS SO MUCH TO LEARN AND SO MANY AWESOME QUESTIONS TO ASK PLEASE GIVE ME MORE WORK BECAUSE I CAN SO DO IT (obviously hypomanic).

2. i'm scared (terrified) of leaving the apt because i'd have to drive there and then when i get there everyone will hate me anyway and i'm so stupid and everyone will find out that i am and oh crap why did i ask for so much work i can't handle this at all (I'm guessing mixed state? That's a relatively new one for me so I'm still figuring it out.)

3. I feel mildly crappy, IC pain and I work from home a lot in the mornings or come in late. Mostly it's a mild guilt that I'm not really working very hard, but no one really notices anyway (or at least I have convinced myself that's the case), so it's not a big deal. It's mostly just painfully boring.

So, yeah, no employee of the year awards for ME any time soon.

I totally relate to each of these three modes. Right now, I'd say I'm in #3.

I also have a total hard time "forcing" myself to do stuff. I know other people do it. But I have a hard time working through it.

Oreo

[AirMarshall]

OK,

I know exactly how you feel, have been there numerous times.

The fact is that you ARE depressed. What you describe fits the symptoms. You don't come out of suicidal and two weeks later are back to normal.

Keep close contact with your pdoc. It sounds like you are close to the edge of being non-functional, you have to judge. Don't let things deteriorate to the point of falling apart. Call your pdoc and make him understand exactly how bad your feel. Don't brush off or hide symptoms like the intrusive thoughts.

I stumped at the idea of coming off all your meds. I'm hoping there is some strategy that you didn't explain to us. All the more reason why your pdoc ought to be seeing you very regularly. After being suicidal, I would expect him to be seeing you every week or at most every other week for a month or two, till you are clearly better, for your safety.

Hang in there.

a.m.