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I'm Suicidal and You Suck


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well, yes, i do suck, but usually on my husband.

the point of distraction is to keep you from offing yourself over the next hour, not fix you. so i have a question: what the hell DO you do for distraction? what suicide line are you referring to that is so lousy, and what other options have you tried?

not trying to sound bitchy, but we actually don't have a lot of info here to work with. i mean, if you've called 10 different hotlines & they sucked, i'd give you a different response than if you just called one, once.

you've got a mind, as well. are you researching any therapy options? i gotta tell you, you sound like a good candidate for cbt/dbt. really. dead on.

before you do anything permanent, at least pet your kitties for me. or post kitty pix.

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Distraction is not about taking the pain away, or about invalidating it.

It is about taking some of the intensity out of it until you are strong enough to cope with it a little better.

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We do have suggestions to give, but when you claim that hospitals, doctors, suicide lines, and therapists are so thoroughly flawed that they will never help you ever, it heads suggestions off at the pass.

If we're all you've got, then you might try what people here have suggested, including giving various aspects of modern medical care additional tries.

You've described a situation in which you have a choice: a choice between potentially killing your family pets, loved ones, and doctors, and trying to help yourself. It's your choice. We can offer suggestions, but we can't fix things for you.

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...I'm about ready to forsake everyone and everything because no one around here can appreciate what I'm going through, they just don't care...

No, you know what?

Screw you. We aren't a bunch of heartless bastards who don't appreciate what you're going through and just don't care.

You're essentially saying that none of us have ever felt the pain you are going through and couldn't POSSIBLY understand PLUS we don't give a shit.

LIFE SUCKS SHIT SOMETIMES.

AND WE GET THROUGH IT. Painfully, agonizingly, dragging ourselves on the ground. But we get through it.

Now. You have a counselor to see, a case manager to see, papers to file for disability, cats to take care of, and a life to very slowly get back in order.

When you are ready and able, it will happen.

But stop playing with death. It's disgusting.

Life is certainly much better, shitty as it may seem.

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can you conjure up memorys of times gone by that you loved or at the very least liked life? those kinds of things were hard for me to remember but i have held fast to trusty friends and family. they would recite verse and passage of wild assed, fun things that i was full into in the recent past. it was a straw to hold onto-not much but something and it told me that what i was enduring must have had a reason-thus a cure.

it would be hard to imagine that you have been down in the miserable pit of suicidal depression for the entire of your life.

some thing is banged up in your belfry and you have a duty to yourself to not cheat yourself out of the rest of your life.

it may not be of any consolation but myself and others here and there have all but killed theirselves over the relentless misery. but there ARE perhaps 1 out of 4 pdocs that have serious chops and can get you back on deck.

took 3 for me and i can assure you that i have recovered and love the shit outta my life again.

all it took was 1-take it upon yourself to push, spend, beg, borrow, steal, anything to find one that's worthy of the name.

let me know if you remember yourself before your mind got sick.

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Kaz

Wish I had a Vulcan mind meld or something - except you wouldn't want to meld with mine.

I don't think I'm in as deep but my notebook and tdoc appts lately sound a lot like your post.

Had a shrink many years ago whose brilliant assessment was that I was 'self defeating' ! Well, DUH!

I can find an argument against any positive statement - when I'm in that mood.

In one form or another, distraction seems to be all there is - 'til things settle out enough to move past it.

You've got a lot of pain. More than me, I guess. But I remember your posts and your 'chat'. Your pain is not YOU IF you can make it past it. I suspect that - being in a similar mood - people can say that to me, too! And it won't really register.

But I suspect I'm going to be up all night, so feel free to post or PM if you think it will help distract you. It might distract me, too! ;)

(Don't know if you're also on chat, tonight. I seem to be shut out again.)

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Did I mention I have BP?

Or BPD?

Or I am off AD's?

Or my therapy is ending without my feeling like I am ready?

Or that a lot of my sexual abuse issues are coming up?

Or that my parents have divorced and are selling my childhood home out from under me?

Or that I am unemployed?

Or that I have only secured this house for six more months then I might well be homeless?

Have I mentioned life is shit for me as well?

Because, honestly Kazuma, you are not the only person here who suffers. You are not the only person who has crises, who is scared, who is mentally ill. Your biggest problem is not your illness or your abuse, it's your utter self obsession and refusal to engage with life in the face of illness and abuse.

Look around you. All around you, in the midst of war and poverty and starvation and injustice, ordinary oppressed people get on with it. They're not special. They are no braver or more supported than you. They just got the fuck on with it.

You will still think of your pain when you do a distraction technique. But you will think of it comparatively less, and get some peace from it. It's the difference between choosing to sit and watch the news and having it on in the background while you do something else. You absorb less of the news in the latter situation.

I am sick to death of your self pitying, shitty whining. It makes a mockery of the people here who are trying to sort themselves out. I am sick of endless embittered threads where you refuse to engage with the very people who could help, where you decide before they walk into the room that their attempts will fail, and then you post more about how much they have let you down.

Take a look at yourself.

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OK, maybe I'M being too sensitive, too.

Maybe you have "history" with Kazuma that allows you to see a pattern that calls for "tough love".

(I hate that term. It's too often applied to justify insensitivity.)

MAYBE.

But it comes off sounding like you're just striking out for your own reasons.

No 'full moon' so what's driving all this stuff?

I'm feeling it, too.

Stop.

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Steve,

Thanks for calling me on my stuff. I do have a lot that gets triggered by Kazuma. I suspected the post was too harsh.

However, I still think that putting our suffering into context (not belittling it and saying that just because there are wars, we ought to shut up and put up) yet also recognizing that what we go through (while unique to us) is the same sort of thing lots of other people got through too, helps. It helps a lot of CBers through dark times to know that there are other CBers, and people in the world, going through this shit with them.

I might not have been as compassionate to Kazuma as I ought to have been. I started off trying. Maybe it is time to just ignore their posts altogether. If you think it is best, I will. As a mod, it's hard for me to keep an eye on countless of threads of this sort, offer advice that is thought out and heartfelt, advice that comes not from learning a technique, but from sore personal experience, and then be told 'you suck.'

Mods put an awful lot of work in, as do regular CBers. It's not that anyone wants suck up gratefulness, I am glad we have a real authenticity here that allows for rage too. But it hurts me to see Kazuma like this, and it hurts me to get our best efforts (not just mine) dismissed and trampled.

I am probably taking it way too personally. It's cos I care about y'all.

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Quote: " am probably taking it way too personally. It's cos I care about y'all."

Yeah, I know that, Karuna.

I'm constantly amazed by you. (and others on the boards.But not talking about them right now. Just you! :) )

Don't ALWAYS agree with you, but when I see your name on a post I always feel 'respect' attach to it.

But frustration is, for me, a real killer. It becomes easy to strike out to keep people away when your feeling bad and I was worried that that was affecting you, too.

For Kaz, I'm just sort of 'projecting'. I have this frustration that I just can't seem to verbalize. No matter how I try it just seems to sit below my words. And I feel trapped by it. I feel like I want to scream and strike out but I don't really see or feel what the target is! And while I 'hear' the words people say they just don't seem to penetrate. My line is "I KNOW that!!! But..."

Adn I know all the people whose situations are objectively 'worse'. And I have my own inner voice saying all the things you (Karuna) posted. And it just adds to the bad feelings BECAUSE I know those things but they don't 'matter'. They hold no 'meaning' to my feelings. So I just keep all those feelings hidden away. 'Til I feel like I'm going to explode - which I haven't let myself do yet - and which resonated in me with Kazuma's opening lines. I just don't understand myself. I'm trying, again. But there's so much frustration in the trying that things feel worse and I know they will get more worse ;) if I keep going.

And I don't know where that was all going. Made this about ME, again! Sorry Kaz. Just, I guess an attempt at empathy with someone who is not in a position to be comforted by words, I guess. Maybe totally misguided.

Hope you're OK Kaz - and what I said previously still applies as far as PMing if you ever feel the need - though I don't think I'll be up at all hours again for a while! Tried - unsuccessfully - to get drunk last night but only ended up feeling sick!

And "thank you" Karuna for being around and sharing and working. Wish there was a way you could be you and not have to carry around all the 'stuff' that hurts.

And a generalized thanks to the boards and all the 'others' here.

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Steve,

These things *do* matter. Your pain, my pain, it does matter. I'm not belittling it. I'm just reminding us that we are all in it together.

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Life is not black and white.

It is the shades of grey that give it depth and meaning.

I think that was the point that the mods/admins were getting at.

That's what I live by.

Life is about finding balance. It's more about the journey than the destination. Because we're all going to reach the same place, but it's our journeys that make us who we are. It's how you deal with your circumstances and tribulations that defines you. Not the circumstances and tribulations themselves.

That's all I have to post.

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But I won't bother you any more, then. It's ok. I'll manage. It will all be happy things from here on out.

oh fuck that. i'm not playing that game.

you have shit skills for coping and a really destroyed world view. let me ask you point blank: ARE you going to give disability/time off/day program a try before you off yourself? not just going through the motions, not just walking in telling yourself 'it won't work' and sitting there in a giant pool of hostility and pain so great that NO ONE can break through, not making a snap judgement that it's all bullshit, but suspending judgement and just fucking trying it? learning HOW to just try it? try one god damned new thing? even if all you do is go on disability, take a break and get some rest to rebuild your reserves?

yes or no? i'm not asking if you think it will work, i'm asking will you put some effort into it despite your weariness? we depressives KNOW that to the bone, soul deep fatigue. it ain't nothing new to us, sister. we've walked that path before. you are NOT unique in the depths of your pain.

what you are unique in is how unqualified you are to go about the business of living. your parents fucked up, they didn't teach you. so now, as an adult, you get to learn emotional regulation and anger control and fear management and recognizing panic and managing it and all that crap that normal people pick up by the age of 10. you gonna do it? you're in hell anyway, the only risk is that something might actually work.

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Glad your 'up' enough that you can pop your head out of the tunnel and look around!

Hope it's not too long before you're venturing out on the landscape.

Scampering around trying to enjoy what you can while avoiding the bigger critters.

Take care - AND your estrogen! (Don't they have a permanent low dose stuff with no breaks?)

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