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am either frantic depressed & deadasleep depressed


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what is wrong with me?

loaded question that you can't really answer, I know. but still:

have been unable to sleep the past few nights (case in point: it's 7am and I'm still up) and when I do sleep, it's all day. yesterday I just completely slept through all of my classes. I just didn't care enough to even pause and decide if I'd go or not.

I have an 8am class this morning and there is absolutely no way that I can get through those 2 1/2 hours right now without throwing my textbook at the wall or crying or laughing hysterically or babbling incessantly to cover the fact that I really would rather curl up on the floor and stare at the carpet.

this has been coming for a while, I've been sleeping more and more and more, but otherwise still fine.

I don't know what to do. I'm alternating between a crumpled mess on the floor who is crawling out of her skin an just wants to scream and hurt herself, and a zombie doing absurd things at 4am like half-bleaching the top part of my hair. the intention was to re-dye it a bit lighter (highlights like) but now I'm back to the crumpled blurry eyed mess who doesn't even want to get a drink of water let alone dye her hair and get in the shower again. but now it's a mess with half blotchy bright copper clown hair. it's a really good thing that I swore that I wouldn't cut. throwing shoes and books is louder, but better for health.

thanks for listening.

I've never had this awake restless brainless depressedashell shit before, just the usual can'tgetoutofbed or open my eyes depression that I'm so used to.

I was in remission. for real.

now am a shoe-throwing-hair-mangling-basket-case.

(when I'm not dead-to-the-world-asleep)

m

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It does come back sometimes. But remission will come back too. The sleep thing is probably making things a lot worse. See your pdoc as soon as you can.

Have you made any life changes lately? Any extra stress? Is anything that you know of contributing to either the sleep or the mood thing?

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I find it funny about the hair dye. Once when I was in the depths of depression I took the notion to do highlights - I am a 50 yr old male. When I told my wife I wanted her assistance in doing this, she was in utter disbelief.

To make a long story short and show my unstable thoughts at the time, I ended up re-dyeing my hair like 6 times, each time we did it I thought this dosent look right and then I would demand my wife help me and do it over again. She warned me you'll damage your hair for months to come. I ended up telling her if she didnt help I would do it myself! I didnt care I was obsessed with having highlights for some unfathamable reason, - this is mentall illness and what it does sometimes.

Anyway when I returned to work, boy did I get it from co-workers, first it was like you havent been to work in 3 weeks and you come back with a non professional odd highlight hair dye job. What the HELL is the matter with you. I guess it did really look funny.

Reading your post brought back these memorys. I can laugh it now, but my wife was really scared I was going off the deep end!

Thanks for the laugh and hope you feel better soon and if not, well then you'll just feel worse.

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Have you made any life changes lately? Any extra stress? Is anything that you know of contributing to either the sleep or the mood thing?

I know what my tipping point was-- I'd been having moments of this but it came on full blown with a call from my ex-bf who I'm still friends with (well, or at least I thought)..he just called to brag that he was going on this fancy expensive vacation during spring break.

1) I haven't heard from him since I got back to school a month ago and he just called to brag about himself, didn't have any time to hear from me, and he's bragging that he'll be gone the entire week I'm home. I won't see him until like 6 months from now.

2) he's going with his new girlfriend (well, they've been together like 6 months now. he cheated on her with me. veryvery bad I know, I shouldn't have thought it wouldn't complicate things like hell. duh.)

3) WE were supposed to take this very same vacation when we were together.

I guess he forgot. it fell through when we were gonna go. now he's taking her.

had my first meltdown after that 3 minute phone conversation.

have been wreck regarding everything else since.. but had been having major sleep issues before this.

whew. that ended up being a confessional. this *isn't* all about him though, something is way way off and wrong with me lately and so that news affected me in a huge way instead of taking it more in stride (calling him a jackass and moving on since he's not worth the time).

no changes in anything else, diet, etc. I will have to cough up the 100bucks to see the pdoc I guess. i don't know what he'll so since I have no idea what's up.

thnx resonance

I find it funny about the hair dye. Once when I was in the depths of depression I took the notion to do highlights - I am a 50 yr old male. When I told my wife I wanted her assistance in doing this, she was in utter disbelief.

To make a long story short and show my unstable thoughts at the time, I ended up re-dyeing my hair like 6 times, each time we did it I thought this dosent look right and then I would demand my wife help me and do it over again.

this is #4.

it's gonna take at least two more to fix it.

my freaking hair isn't going to fix my mood, why am I acting like it will. crazy, yes.

;) it's kinda comforting in an odd way that someone else fixated like this, lol, so thank you for sharing-- at least I'm a crazy in good company.

m

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Dear meg,

sorry to hear how hard it's been.

I just wanted to say.... I'd been living with a lot messed up in me, but what really / finally brought me out of denial & caused my sort of meltdown was also something relationship related (husband showing he was hurting, possibility & fear of losing him)...

For me it's totally understandable that a call like this one from your ex (with all memories & any remaining feelings attached) would throw you (already on a weakened state) off!

I think it's worth it seeing the doc and I really hope he can help you figure out what's going on so you can know how better to fight and beat this!!!

Meanwhile.... watch out with all them (hair dye) fumes!

...you & reco fixating on highlights, me neglecting my gray hairs 'till I have to avoid looking in the mirror not to "see" them... poking out like antennas! ;)

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sorry... this has to be a short post...

i think it is worth seeing a doctor... or maybe go talk to someone is you have a counseling center at your school...?

sleep deprivation can do strange things to you. if you cant afford a doc right away, have you tried some otc stuff maybe? of course after checking to see is they mix with anything you are currently on...

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Hey Meg,

I'm going through a similar sort of ordeal. It *sucks* when you're so depressed you can't sleep, or so depressed that even the act of getting up off the couch to go get a drink of water/take a piss/eat is more than you can handle.

I don't really have any advice except to say that I understand where you are coming from and it is totally understandable that an unexpected, unwelcome phone call could set something off, although I agree it is never *always* about one thing.

I hope you feel better soon,

SeeMoreGlass

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Meg, my sleep has an amazing impact on how low I get.

Is it possible to delay sleeping in the day till you eventually get back to a more nocturnal pattern? Because that will be having an impact and it's a small practical thing you could start with. Also, being out in daylight can help reset your bodyclock and stimulate sleep hormone production, as can a short walk, if you can bear it.

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I so feel where you're coming from. The lack of sleep affects me more than anything, so my recommendation would be that you focus on that first. When I get some rest, I'm much more prepared to deal with anything else. The pdoc could help you with this, of course. I don't know how good of advice this is, depending on possible interactions with your meds and your general health and all, but I've used Nyquil on a one night basis to get some shut-eye.

Here's my personal hair dye story - I decided to dye my dark brown hair platinum blonde and ended up with orange and brown streaks. I then got it to blonde for a month, went to a salon to get it toned down a bit (it was Anna Nicole blonde) and it ended up getting worse, so I went back to brown again. Now it's horribly damaged and everyone in my life witnessed the whole ordeal ... I'm SO glad to hear that other people do this sort of stuff too!

All in all, just hang in there. As for the ex, remember that you can choose when and if you talk to him. You can't control what he does, but you can control if he's part of your life or not. Easier said than done, I know, but you can do it, girl.

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Hope you're doing ok Meg!

Was just thinking about you...

And yeah, and like the others, the longest I spend not sleeping well (or with weird sleeping patterns) the worse I feel... then the less I can focus & cope!

HA I was remembering the one time I went Anna Nicole blond (like Jillista I have also dark brown hair)... I did it at home and it was SO horrible (looked like a clown wig!) that when I ran inside the salon for them to fix it everyone stopped talking (yes, just like a scene from a movie!) and turned and stared at me!!! ;)

Then I let myself be talked into keeping it blond (by the hairdresser who figured "hey, if it's already so bleached might as well take advantage of it) and a month later my hair was GREEN! (not cool green, more like some that would grow in a dark and wet cave) So blond for me... nevermore nevermore... :) (Black, firetruck-red and purple looked cool though! :) Nowadays I think I'm done experimenting and just use tones of brown to cover my antennas...)

Really hope you're feeling better girl!

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