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hey all ;):)

havent been on these boards for a few months but find myself the last few nites stewing over things and now i am sat here alone goin 'crap, i cant talk 2 anyone, ive shutdown'.

for those, most of u likely, who don't know my story here is a recap of the last few episodes.

- i'm bipolar, borderline and have an eating disorder

- done time in my local psych ward, last time i really did get a lot from it

- i see my p-doc every fortnite currently

- i am on lithium (a bloody life saver for me) wellbutrin and vals as needed - one in the morning more if needed.

- i self injure as my major coping stratergy for life in general.

My last hospital stay was 6months ago i made a real decision to do all i could to beta my life and do what made me happy. the scars that were becoming VERY chunky & noticeable, although mainly on my legs and easy to cover, gave me a even worse body image and decided to get the ED under control and stop cutting (well try to cut back) so scars would heal - i had been cutting over old scars so my legs were a mess of red and white very raised scars.

My p-doc sent me to see a reconstructive plastic surgeon as the scars on my legs are disgusting. this was one of the MOST humiliating experiences of my life, sat there had to talk bout self injury wit a complete stranger (who seemed more used to sticking breast implants in barbie wanna bes) then he looks at the scars and says "well because the scars are so big, and there are so many, over such a large area we can not do surgery and no topical treatments will help, just wait 7yrs or so and they will ONLY look like strech marks" WTF! ONLY??? so yeah i get to wear a bikini again in 7years & counting!

My first reaction was "fuck u, where is my razor blades", and although i ran from his office crying uncontrolably, i resisted, havent hurt myself since.

Now, my life is fairly balanced my meds keep my moods from extremes, i am not in major depression. but im not well rite now i know it. please help

everyone my parents, my doc, my friends, my partner, all see me as doin extremely well, the best i have been since i was dx years ago. but i am losin it

i dont know exactly why, but it all boils down to this feeling i have never been able to shake that i am just not good enough. my body shape, my looks, my job, my work, my friendships, my relationship etc etc all not good enough, i feel a constant failure at life (sometimes i think i am 2 good, but thats the other end of the spectrum)

anyways the only solution i can think of that wont upset anyone is if i deal wit it myself. if i :)^_^:P burn my hand, i can say it was a kitchen accident, no one will guess cause i rarely burn only cut and mainly on upper legs. i have been eating and eating and eating, throwing up making myself sick the last few weeks to try and calm the urge to SI but now i feel fat and bloated, headachey and like SI will be the only thing that will "snap" me out of this numb useless mood :( :(

I wish i could reach out but its fri nite, no way to get in contact wit p-doc and i cancelled my appointment earlier in week cause had no funds and didnt want to fess up. i cant tell my family or partner, they r so happy now they think im doin real well.

sorry its so long, i just dont feel like i can talk to anyone, i feel worthless, i feel like rite now no one will even bother to read it but i will post it anyways cause i wrote it ta

:(

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sorry iona. i dont have any words of wisdom this morning.

i just wanna say i hear you.

i feel like i have to take care of this awfulness myself too cause nobody else can it seems.

;) i alternate between cutting, banging, and starving. right now its the latter. but it doesnt feel like enough and the other stuff is looking better every day.

i know it isnt right and i know you know too but

fuck man what else do you do when youre that desperate.

i just kkep saying to myself this will change cause everything always does, nothing is awful forever just llike nothing is joyful forever.

hang in there and i will too. im sorry you feel so fucking bad, nobody deserves this.

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hey iona, i read it all and i hear how crappy you're feeling. i'm so very sorry. i don't have any advice other than it sounds like you have people who care about you - think you could open up to even one? just a little? it might be a huge relief.

take care of yourself, let us know how you're doing.

bean

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thanks for your replies

im just shit scared to tell anyone around me, i asked my mum today to meet me for coffee but when i mentioned i hadnt been feeling so great i just saw the look on her face. i have put them all through so much over the years and mum just lost a really close old friend so everyone has been therefore i dont want to burden them.

but just knowing someone on here gets it, even a little helps

btw Bean is that a Frenchie pup in your pic? i have a 4 month old frenchie at home and she is the only thing that brings me great joy, i luvs her

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Iona,

If people around you care for you, (which they do) then their love is unconditional. They will want to help. Yes, when someone I love is struggling after a period of stability, it is a disappointment. But I am not disappointed in them. I disappointed alongside them, for their loss. It's not judging them, or them hurting me. It's me hurting for them.

Can you see how maybe if you told a friend, or your SO, or a family member, they might see it that way too? If this is too hard, could you call a helpline and 'practice' telling someone anonymously? Or call your doctor? There are also advocacy services that can come to appointments with you to help you feel secure and able to say what is going on.

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btw Bean is that a Frenchie pup in your pic? i have a 4 month old frenchie at home and she is the only thing that brings me great joy, i luvs her

yep, it is. so glad you have a pup to care for - there've been times when my pets were the only ones i was really hanging on for.

bean

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Iona, I'm horribly sorry. But some of your words sounded like they could have come out of my mouth.

i dont know exactly why, but it all boils down to this feeling i have never been able to shake that i am just not good enough. my body shape, my looks, my job, my work, my friendships, my relationship etc etc all not good enough, i feel a constant failure at life (sometimes i think i am 2 good, but thats the other end of the spectrum)

anyways the only solution i can think of that wont upset anyone is if i deal wit it myself. if i ;):):) burn my hand, i can say it was a kitchen accident, no one will guess cause i rarely burn only cut and mainly on upper legs. i have been eating and eating and eating, throwing up making myself sick the last few weeks to try and calm the urge to SI but now i feel fat and bloated, headachey and like SI will be the only thing that will "snap" me out of this numb useless mood ^_^:P

I could highly relate to those words. They make my heart ache and make me wish I could give you a big hug and help you somehow. I have no good words to make you feel like everything is better. I can't say thinks will be fine. But I can tell you I'll be praying for you. I can tell you I feel like I understand and I hope you make it through this without cutting. I'm currently on day 16. the longest I've gone in my life, since 4 year old is 139 days. That leaves 125 days until I break my record. It seems so hopeless but I'm trying to tell myself its not. Its not hopeless to try and endure Iona.

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*SQUEEEEE!* Iona! i wondered what you were up to! i'm sorry to hear you've hit a rough patch. all i can say is often fighting our MI is kind of a spiral pattern...we seem to be going over the same territory, but really we've moved outward a bit and we are walking a spiral, not going in circles.

i don't really know what to tell you about the not good enough thing. i wish i did. i can only say i'm happy to see you again.

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Thx all who replied

The not good enough thing is something, a demon, i will have to face for a while yet. i dont say that in the sense i have given up on it getting better, i just know its a hard battle to fight because it is so irrational but so deep seated in who i am.

The spiral idea is true reddog, i know i am not going backwards really, u know the other saying two steps forward, one back. i know i am moving on, but i struggle when these feelings hit, cause they hit fast. even though i have learnt some warning signs ( starting to eat LOTS more in some attempt to push away the feelings) but i have very low impluse control ability and i will most of the time run wit what gives me a 'high' feeling for a minute.

I spoke to my partner, he is super supportive, umm rephrase he hates the SI but supports me as he knows i do not do it out of pleasure/attention etc etc. He mentioned somethings he thought may have triggered this off, the plastic surgeons visit but also another event. if u bear wit me i will write it as short as i can!

I worked wit an aide last year, i previously worked wit her sister aswell. This aide was a great person, loving, caring, sharing, good at her job. She was a recovering anorexic, and was still on the thin side. We became friends, actually had lots in common, the whole MI bond thing. She got "let go" at the end of the year, very very obviously cause of her 'issue' even though it impacted on nothing in her work it is that horrible thing we call 'STIGMA'!

This scared me immediately a job i once felt secure in i dont now, my MI is more well hidden but they all know - will i be next? Although i dont stew on it, i lost ALL respect for my boss, and many co-workers & paranoia has set in a little 2 about what they all really think and say about me. I have asked for a transfer but due to the nature of my work, unless there is a small miracle i will have 2 ride this year out before transfer comes through.

But yeah i feel insecure and not good enough at work, i lost a dear friend who i now watch struggle to deal wit the fact she got screwed over, the last time i saw her the weight was comin off, so sad that fuckwits can treat good people like that. i know i cant take on her problem, but i just see what happened to her, has happened to me in past and will happen again no doubt.

Sorry this is so super long - i need to get it out - to try and sort through this. im trying to get in to see my docs asap

I just dont get my logic - i know its wrong - but my head keeps saying 'if u just hurt yourself, this mass of overwhelming thoughts and emotions spinning in your head will be eased"

I know its wrong, i know all that will happen is i will have a few mins/ hours of relieve, then the next day it will all be back and i will have a sore arm or leg where eva!

ARGHHH im frustrated, i cant calm my head, i feel REAL bloated up (cause of my ED when i stress i dont digest well at all so it all sits), i got eczema all over me from stress, i cant do all those distracting activities much longer cause my head is ready to boil over and explode!

People keep telling me these stories about people they think have BP and always say "oh they are much worse then u blah blah blah". Hell they are only worse cause i dont show them, i bottle it up like this to my own demise, ask my family and friends how together i am. and yes i know they dont mean harm in saying it, just annoys me.

After all this rant bottom line is - i reached out, opened up, dont feel any beta, watching myself perform behaviours i know will lead to more unhappiness, i have an undying desire to SI, i have found out about making a will for my assest just incase (WTF am i doing?) and have started takin money out of my super (dont know what it is called in states and uk but u know your retirement money) cause i dont think i will need it then.

once again sorry for long long rant, thanks to any one who reads this mumble jumble non sense that is my thoughts

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