Iona_Viona Posted February 1, 2008 Share Posted February 1, 2008 hey all havent been on these boards for a few months but find myself the last few nites stewing over things and now i am sat here alone goin 'crap, i cant talk 2 anyone, ive shutdown'. for those, most of u likely, who don't know my story here is a recap of the last few episodes. - i'm bipolar, borderline and have an eating disorder - done time in my local psych ward, last time i really did get a lot from it - i see my p-doc every fortnite currently - i am on lithium (a bloody life saver for me) wellbutrin and vals as needed - one in the morning more if needed. - i self injure as my major coping stratergy for life in general. My last hospital stay was 6months ago i made a real decision to do all i could to beta my life and do what made me happy. the scars that were becoming VERY chunky & noticeable, although mainly on my legs and easy to cover, gave me a even worse body image and decided to get the ED under control and stop cutting (well try to cut back) so scars would heal - i had been cutting over old scars so my legs were a mess of red and white very raised scars. My p-doc sent me to see a reconstructive plastic surgeon as the scars on my legs are disgusting. this was one of the MOST humiliating experiences of my life, sat there had to talk bout self injury wit a complete stranger (who seemed more used to sticking breast implants in barbie wanna bes) then he looks at the scars and says "well because the scars are so big, and there are so many, over such a large area we can not do surgery and no topical treatments will help, just wait 7yrs or so and they will ONLY look like strech marks" WTF! ONLY??? so yeah i get to wear a bikini again in 7years & counting! My first reaction was "fuck u, where is my razor blades", and although i ran from his office crying uncontrolably, i resisted, havent hurt myself since. Now, my life is fairly balanced my meds keep my moods from extremes, i am not in major depression. but im not well rite now i know it. please help everyone my parents, my doc, my friends, my partner, all see me as doin extremely well, the best i have been since i was dx years ago. but i am losin it i dont know exactly why, but it all boils down to this feeling i have never been able to shake that i am just not good enough. my body shape, my looks, my job, my work, my friendships, my relationship etc etc all not good enough, i feel a constant failure at life (sometimes i think i am 2 good, but thats the other end of the spectrum) anyways the only solution i can think of that wont upset anyone is if i deal wit it myself. if i burn my hand, i can say it was a kitchen accident, no one will guess cause i rarely burn only cut and mainly on upper legs. i have been eating and eating and eating, throwing up making myself sick the last few weeks to try and calm the urge to SI but now i feel fat and bloated, headachey and like SI will be the only thing that will "snap" me out of this numb useless mood :( I wish i could reach out but its fri nite, no way to get in contact wit p-doc and i cancelled my appointment earlier in week cause had no funds and didnt want to fess up. i cant tell my family or partner, they r so happy now they think im doin real well. sorry its so long, i just dont feel like i can talk to anyone, i feel worthless, i feel like rite now no one will even bother to read it but i will post it anyways cause i wrote it ta Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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