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Highly deluded and psychotic (so they say)


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I have entrenched, intractable 'delusions' about the nurses reading my mind, performing black magic against me and programming patients to kill me and generally ruining my life. You could sit there and tell me all day this is paranoid nonsense and I won't believe you. People have tried but I just KNOW it's true. Everyday I hear the nurses voices in my head taunting me and insulting me, this is relentless. I have command hallucinations as well that order me to do things a certain way or within a certain time or else they'll kill my mother or kill my dog.

But in the midst of this, I have managed to write a book and send it off for publication, hold down a job (with only a 3 week sabbatical when I was in the bin), start a doctorate, do numerous home study courses, run a part-time business. Appear normal infront of people.

Surely this proves that my 'delusions' are real and I am not schizophrenic or I wouldn't be so functional? Whenever I talk about the nurses to my mother she starts crying and says that I have lost contact with reality altogether - that before I had insight into my condition but now I have totally looped the loop. But I know this is all going on. I have to bury myself in intellectual pursuits to drown out the voices and psychic communication between me and the nurses and distract myself with study. Surely if I was schizophrenic I would be so disordered I wouldn't be able to do this. Is thought disorder not a prerequisite for the disease?

They want me to take Clozaril but aint no way Im going back to the bin and those sadistic psychic vampires

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All I can say is i hav edelusions all th etime, that people have hired killers to come kill me, and that I am wanted by the government, and that my neighbors are terrorist spies, out to get the usa. but let me tell you also that if it wasnt for my husband tellin gme what a load of crock that is, I would believe it, bc it seems so real, that is what delusions are they seem so very vivid and real but in reality they are a crock of lies our brain is deceiving us with. and btw I know the loony bin isnt a fun place, been there many a times, but you may just need smeds, to help you with this problem. and yes you can be creative adn do really amazing things and be psyhotic, I have afriend who is totally paranoid schizophrenic, and she has an album label and is a major singer. I just wish i was more creative and talented like you and my friend are, my schizoaffective rarely lets me do anything but just be amom to my kid.

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Clozaril over here can only be instituted in in-patient therapy. I can't go near the nurses again. They can read my mind and transfer their thoughts into my head as I write this in my bedroom. Imagine how much worse it would be in the hospital.

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Clozaril over here can only be instituted in in-patient therapy.

Oh, I didn't know that. Thanks for explaining.

Are there any other anti-psychotics you can try that you can take outpatient?

I'm sorry you are having such a rough time.

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Yes, I believe you can have delusions and be perfectly functional. I know this because the lovely doctors think I am delusional but I go to different groups and even taking an art class at my local college. I am also having several art shows coming up. I think I am wanted by the FBI and CIA for killing many people throughout the US and possibly the world. I know I didn't kill anyone though. The problem is this. Somehow they are beaming thoughts into my head and have severe thought insertion as a result. The good news is that I don't actually hear voices. They know my thoughts as well. If I have an "evil" thought they will use it against me. The government also planted evidence at the crime scenes just to get me. Why would they want to pick on some one so innocent? I have no idea. That is their job I guess. I used to believe that aliens were out to get me and had a device in my brain but now I realize that was one bizarre delusion. There is still a device in me left by the government but they haven't told me where yet. It works as a tracking device and something that sends my thoughts to them. I feel sorry for you being on Zyprexa. I heard that medicine puts a lot of weight on you. I know someone that has put over 100 pounds on that medicine. If my psychiatrist ever suggests that med for me, I will NOT take it! I already gained weight on all my meds that I have been on for the past 2 years. Don't ask me to name them because they are too many. I can't even remember all of them.

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Clozaril over here can only be instituted in in-patient therapy. I can't go near the nurses again. They can read my mind and transfer their thoughts into my head as I write this in my bedroom. Imagine how much worse it would be in the hospital.

Honestly, it's not true that they can read your mind or beam thoughts into your head. They can talk to you and listen to you and over time learn what you are most likely to do or say or react; it's just that the psychosis makes it hard for you to keep track of what you did say and what you thought you said. Even in the "real" world, verbal and nonverbal communication can feel like telepathy with someone who knows you well.

As it may feel exactly the same as if they could read or beam thoughts, I can see why it would be very much harder to deal with while in-patient. Likewise, whether the antipsychotics make it easier for you to understand that they can't read or beam thoughts, or whether it blocks their ability to do so (As if a telepath would admit that - *I* wouldn't) ... the result is less torment for you.

Before everyone starts whining about how I'm feeding into your delusions, I'd like to point out that this is intended as an example of being psychotic and functional at the same time - you can have a very "disordered" perspective that still arrives at the same actions and outcomes as "ordered" thinking. Eventually the disordered thinking WILL trip you up badly, but until then it can be very, very difficult to separate reality from its counterparts.

Personally, I agree with giving Haldol a try.

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Blackbird,

I am not commenting on whether the nurses are doing that.

But why would they? Do you have any evidence for this conviction?

I just get a feeling in my head like it's been 'switched on' and my thoughts are being broadcasted. Then I hear their thoughts in my head making fun of me because I leak really horrible thoughts - in fact they aren't my own thoughts, they are voices trying to communicate with the nurses in the most awful way. One time one of them threatened to throw a petrol bomb at the nurse's station if they didn't leave me alone, and I asked for some sort of sign that the nurses were listening. And that day, as I was leaving work, the nurse who scares and torments me the most was standing right at the hospital shop pretending to browse the fridge for sandwiches (I work in the hospital and the psych ward is only down the corridor from where I work, the proximity means they read my thoughts and insert their own thoughts really badly when I work - its not as bad when Im at home but Im damned if I give up my job)

Null0trooper - thanks for trying to talk sense into me, I will try Haldol. Olanz and Haldol was a magic potion for me last year - there was a 6 month period in which I was completely non-psychotic, even though I dont believe I am psychotic at the moment but Id try anything to stop this damn broadcasting andthought interference

thanks

blackbird x

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Hi Blackbird (waves hand to say hello)

Good to see you around here again.

Sounds like your going thru the same old-same old-no fun stuff.

Never stop trying.

Maybe help is around the next corner and you just don't know it. Or the next corner. Or the one after that. Fingers crossed.

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  • 1 month later...

Blackbird, i don't know if this helps or not, but (as you can see in my sig) i eventually want to become a psych nurse myself. and i can tell you that no way, no how do i want to be able to hear other peoples thoughts. that would be like always being in a big giant convention with all the noise and not being able to tell one converation from another but hearing them on top of each other....yech! i can't see the nurses listening in because it would interfere with doing their jobs. i mean, i can't even imagine how noisy the inside of my head would be if i heard other people.

really. *i* wouldn't want to be able to do that. honest. i think your psychosis is dicking with you.

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Thought broadcasting and telepathy is a 'gift' (more like a curse) that some psychotic people are 'blessed' with. I read about it on the forums of schizophrenia.com and it happens all the time. Your thoughts get amplified and too loud, a hole appears in your aura and your thoughts leak out and contaminate other people. I know I'm not delusional. I wish to fuck I was delusional and this fucking endless nightmare of thoughts bouncing back and forth between me and the nurses could end. It's like a needle stuck in a record. I am trapped in hell. Delusions would be heavenly, to know it is all a trick of the mind. But I know it's all serious real-life head-fuckery and I want to blow my head off to end it all.

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Guest Guest_Time_*

Tell me. If your mother became a nurse, would she, at the same time, wnat to harm you? If a 90 year old sweet woman, that you've known for your whole life, decided to become a nurse, and treated you. Would she also be trying to kill you? Your grandmother? Aunt?

Why is that they're out to get you? WHy is it every nurse wants you, of all people?

Isn't it more likely than not they are not going for you, but instead, you are making it up. Think... people have told you you are psychotic. You believe to be having telepathic communications with a nurse, while telepathy is not widely accepted as a fact.

Tell me, if another person said that every mother on the planet wanted to do what you say nurses want to do to you, does that now mean your mother is after that person as well?

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They are after me because the thoughts in my head about them were very derogatory. Not all of the nurses are after me, just a clique of them. I caught them doing stuff they shouldn't be doing. They have a ringleader.

You can sit and argue with me until you are blue in the face. I know I'm a telepath. The nurses torment me, I hear their voices and they can read my mind. I am obsessed about what happened to me in hospital, if I could forget about it and move on maybe the psychic weirdness would stop but I seem to be stuck. I can't get it out of my head.

I wish it wasn't real but unfortunately it is. And even if it is psychosis, it is my reality and I experience it as being very real and I experience it every day. I just want it to go away and be free.

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