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taking my face off


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okay, i'm prying off this latex face of mine that says i am okay and so is everyone else in my life.

see how ugly it is underneath? it looks a lot like my avatar. that's what i look like when i am depressed - can't even be bothered to cover up the dark circles under my eyes or my peeling skin.

this is probably really long because i feel like imploding into nothingness.

i am not okay. i'm desperate and hurting and terrified and lonely and not in control.

i've been getting up an hour before everyone else so i have a chance to cry and get over my morning nausea and chase away the dreammonster before anyone sees me. for the last two mornings everyone got up when i did. i think that's why i've snapped today. two days that started out with dragging my ass out of bed because i don't want to face my life, without being able to get the monsters out of me first. it means i have to put the face on over top of the monsters so they stay there all day, i can't get rid of them. once the face is on, it's ON. if it falls off it's because i'm totally fucked, not because i choose to do it.

i am not in control of this ED - or rather i am, as it works, huh. i know it's making the depression (that was better) worse, and then the depression feeds the ED, and here i am caught in the cycle of it and i feel like i can't get out.

the stress is just getting too much. i am falling into really depressed thinking and behaviour again, and i don't have any options for professional help (i am on every waiting list there is). my options for pharmaceutical help are (a)ignore it and (b)decide how to tweak my meds myself and tell the idiot gp what to give me (which is how it works, every time).

i'm also falling into not eating whenever i can get away with it. it's the only time i feel like i'm doing SOMETHING right. part of my brain knows this is wrong. the bigger part says whatever works, just keep doing what you're doing.

i think about food all the time. i think about my weight constantly. this is torture. there's a constant knot in my stomach and it takes so many days to actually go to the bathroom i've given up and decided to buy metamucil or something today.

i'm tired all the time, almost too tired to do my yoga even, and everything feels overwhelming, stuff i usually do without thinking every day.

i'm also freaking because i accepted an invitation for dinner with my aunt later today. she called and asked me if i could come over and talk about my dad, because she figured i'd have no one to talk to (what a kind heart she has, and she's right - nobody wants to talk about cancer). but there's food involved. i don't know her well enough to know if she'll nag me to eat if i can't. i will try so very hard, i really will, but i'm afraid of what i'll do to myself if i do manage to eat.

fuck that, i won't be able to eat anyway. we'll be talking about my father for chrissakes... i'll probably do well today not to bawl my fucking head off in front of her, let alone be able to swallow food. i don't want to go. but i know i need to. and i probably do need to bawl my fucking head off too, i'm just afraid to do it in front of anyone.

my parents were here on the weekend. even more bad cancer news about your father and oh yeah, hasn't it been cold out lately? and how are the neighbours? oh, here's a bag of chocolates we bought for you since you obviously need them.

implode implode implode

hey guess what mom i don't feel anxious anymore and i didn't sleep ALL NIGHT and i'm not even tired! and now i'm going to talk to you a mile a minute about nothing! and then i'm coming home from school laughing my head off at nothing instead of complaining as usual and why are you looking at me funny mom? what do you mean i'm never like this? bah, you're no fun! (exit room).

implode implode implode

and my best friend said just don't dwell on it and eat something and you'll feel better.

and my partner said why can't you get a disease that makes you wanna work all the time instead.

and my sister is already losing her mind off her meds and i can't tell her, she'll obsess over this too.

i need a mental vacation so badly. too bad hard drugs are off limits. i'd like to be cracked out and euphoric right now.

thank you for letting me get this out. i'm going to go breathe now.

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replying to myself (is this a sign of insanity?)

i remembered what you guys said to do about keeping busy and task-oriented so since i last posted and sat in my mental filth for awhile, i decided to go clean something besides my head.

so i washed all the dishes and scrubbed the kitchen floor and cleaned all the cupboards and wiped down the walls and cleaned the kitty box and took out the garbage. and the whole time i repeated to myself i can do this i can do this i can do this.

and now i am too exhausted to think about how miserable i am ;)

leaving for dinner in t-minus 60 minutes.

thank fate for clonazepam!

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You might not get a chance to read this, and I'm not advocating to succumbing to your ED, but you could use the excuse that you're just too upset to eat right now while you're at your aunt's house...and I'm sure she's expecting you to bawl your head off...I wish that society was more willing to allow us to show our grief.

As for everything else...I'm not lecturing you, but your tired bc you're not giving your body fuel and your constipated bc you're not getting enough fiber...but I think you already know this ;) . What kinds of things can you do for yourself that will give you that "mental vacation"? It's ok to ask for help form the people around you so you don't have to feel like the super woman. It's ok to need sometimes too - even though it doesn't feel that way.

No matter what, great big hugs to you!

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hey lys, i'm so sorry you're going through this. there's not a lot that's harder than dealing with a parent's serious illness and your own issues and your family dynamics all at once. i know, it's what i was doing for the last three years.

i wish i could somehow send you some strength, and some relief. all i can say is, keep being gentle with yourself. having a sick parent is deep, affects you on all kinds of levels you can't even know are there until you're face to face with them.

my mom died of colon cancer last summer, after three years in and out of remission. i firmly believe she got the best care, but hers was found late, stage three. the good news is, as you probably already know, colon cancer is highly treatable and a lot of people survive it and go on for a long time. i don't know specifically what your dad's situation is, other than what you've already said, but if you'd like to talk about it or just need a shoulder to cry on - the shoulder of someone who has a good sense of what you're going through - feel free to PM me.

hang in there. we care about you. keep coming back and let us know how you're doing. (and try to feed yourself. i know it's difficult, but it's important, so try.)

take care,

bean

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Hey!

I'm sorry your not doing the best. You under a lot of pressure at the moment and this, well for me, usually makes an ED worse. As Kazmua said you need to care for yourself and make yourself feel good about yourself, a pedicure does wonders for the mind!!Its istracting, relaxing and helps make you feel all pretty.

About the sleeping, its a common side effect to be tired but not be able to sleep.

And I said before that tasks are important and it makes your life more full and balanced, keeping yourself busy stops you obsessing but you still need to make time to sit down AT A TABLE, and eat your meals, you need to also need too nourish yourself and face your problem to overcome it. Somebody told me to eat my meals, at a table with a knife and fork, eating like a normal person.

On the cancer not, you got to try stay possitive, i know its really hard, but there is light at the end of the tunnel, my mum had lymphoma and breast cancer and is now one hundred percent free from it. It took a lot of strenght from her and the family but its worth it. Possitive energy does wonders when you sick.

I hope you start feeling soon. I might be totally off base but thought I'd through a cupple of lines. Thinking of you.

Lots of love Ash

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hi everybody sorry i took awhile to respond (um, literally wasn't "here").

dangergirl:

As for everything else...I'm not lecturing you, but your tired bc you're not giving your body fuel and your constipated bc you're not getting enough fiber...but I think you already know this wink.gif . What kinds of things can you do for yourself that will give you that "mental vacation"? It's ok to ask for help form the people around you so you don't have to feel like the super woman. It's ok to need sometimes too - even though it doesn't feel that way.

i need lecturing from time to time heh. you are right. i'm trying the mental vacation route via not doing anything i don't feel like doing (beyond the minimum of being a parent that is). i wish i felt like it was okay to need. i know i'm in control of what i do and don't do for myself and others.... it's just that for me, vacation means a break from routine stress for awhile. you know, stop doing ALL of the housework and cooking and just do a little if i feel like it. sleep when i want. eat when i want (yeah right that's pretty funny). sit like a slug and do nothing all day.

but when i'm on vacation, nobody takes over my shift, ya know? it just all piles up and waits for me, no matter how i implore my family to take some responsibility. and not only that, by the time i decide my vacation's over, they're obviously irritated about the state of life in this house (oh the nerve, i know.... they're both old enough to do my job quite well).

so i decide fuckit after a day and get back up before things get overwhelming-looking (been depressed long enough to remember not to go that route).

so i guess i have to figure out another way to vacation my ass. if i had money this would all be moot. i'd be in some hotel somewhere soaking in a hot tub drinking champagne in front of a big screen tv :)

zenbean:

i wish i could somehow send you some strength, and some relief. all i can say is, keep being gentle with yourself. having a sick parent is deep, affects you on all kinds of levels you can't even know are there until you're face to face with them.

i'm sorry you're all too familiar with this :P

thank you for letting me know you understand.

i went through some of it almost two years ago when dad got colon cancer (they caught it earlier than your mom). then surgery, then he got better, then mom got colon cancer (stage 1), then surgery again, and then she got better. now it's prostate and bladder for dad, mom's fine. but radiation along with his surgery.... yikes (i feel like i can handle the surgery again, but the radiation scares me because i'm unfamiliar). and he'll be in the hospital sooo much longer this time and so much further from home - so many variables are different and the prognosis just isn't so good this time.

so yeah, i expect to come face to face with lots of stuff i never knew this month, i guess :/

reddog:

how'd it go?

it went pretty okay... my aunt's son (my cousin) also came by for awhile so that took some pressure off. he's my age and we don't see each other often so there was lots of room for small catching-up talk.

this is funny... when i got there, dinner was prepared and on plates waiting. the plates were the LITTLE ones (you know, the ones people usually eat pie on or something). I EAT LIKE THIS! THIS WAS AMAZING! (you have no idea how overwhelming a large plate can feel even if there isn't much on it. my family makes fun of me CONSTANTLY for this.). i actually laughed out loud i was so relieved... and then of course had to explain what was so funny. my aunt just shrugged and said, well i figure what do we need all that extra room for? and i could have kissed her right there :(

the plate however had like four of my meals heaped on to it. i made it halfway through, though, because my aunt has celiac sprue and my cousin is lactose intolerant - which means just plain chicken and vegetables (no extra carbs and fat and all that crap i can't stand thinking about). and plain tea, no alcohol. and nobody looked at me funny when i said i can't eat this much at one time due to a "bad stomach".... my aunt just smiled and said "i know how it is" and took my plate away. how do you spell relief? dinner at my aunt's house!

and i didn't bawl, it welled up a little because my aunt welled up a little, too. but she and her son are obviously comfortable talking about all the aspects of what's going on with dad, not just the clinical ones. i was grateful to hear somebody tell me to stay positive as much as i can, but that it's normal to feel so so bad (see now i can bawl thinking back on how kind she was... waaaah. excuse me *honk*).

lesson learned: what you expect to happen doesn't always happen, so stop thinking you're omniscient and give things a chance, young jedi. ;)

kazuma:

Sorry you're feeling so crappy, lysergia. I hope the meeting with your aunt went well and that you're able to treat yourself a little bit gently. Maybe try to pamper yourself with something not involving food, like a pedicure or something? I know that taking a bubble bath is good, even if it seems futile and silly to do before doing it.

thanks kazuma. you are right it does seem futile and silly at the time, but i always do feel a little better after. today i think i'll take half an hour to curl my hair, which i never do anymore because i'm lazy. then i'm using that as an excuse not to go outside, since it's snowing like mad and it would ruin my hair :(

stealing my daughter's perfume also gives me a little boost, i just remembered that too (shhh!). i'm silly enough to cave into all the expensive stuff for her, but i don't own a single bottle! i like the baby phat one i just bought her at xmas but i can't remember the name of it now (just that it came with a BLING keychain that she wouldn't give me hehe).

ashdene:

And I said before that tasks are important and it makes your life more full and balanced, keeping yourself busy stops you obsessing but you still need to make time to sit down AT A TABLE, and eat your meals, you need to also need too nourish yourself and face your problem to overcome it. Somebody told me to eat my meals, at a table with a knife and fork, eating like a normal person.

you always have the most practical advice, and you sell yourself so short!

you are so right about the keeping busy when i feel like i can. you are also right about needing to sit at a table.... but that's one of the things that makes me wanna run from food. it was hard to do that the other night... i just wanted to pick up my plate and eat over the sink or leaning against a counter like i always do. but sitting at a table is NORMAL and something i need to learn to do again - not just watching my family eat at the table while i sit on a chair at the other side of the room drinking coffee :/

knife and fork? what? all my food requires nothing but spoons and/or fingers ^_^

tonight is grocery night (unless it doesn't quit snowing), and i'm going to make my partner come with me and make sure i get good stuff i will eat instead of "forgetting" or putting his (and my kid's) junk food first in the budget. bringing my daughter works even better, but she's going to see Hedley tonight and i'm so happy to see her out socializing again instead of hiding in her cave room for the last two months!

everybody:

thanks for helping me through this. you've no idea how much keeping myself honest here, and accountable, helps me not go over that edge. writing down what i'm doing - honestly, no face - really makes me have to take a hard look at it, and i need that. it is also so wonderful to have someone write back who gives a shit, you know? you don't judge me, just give me a shoulder when i need it and a (gentle) kick in the ass when i need that, too (which is usually at the same time LOL).

waaaaaaaah there i go again :)

there should be a kleenex icon!

-lysergia

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