FireBird Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 I am suicidal right now. Or at least thinking of serious self harm. I have nothing to live for. Everything's great for my amazing brother. He will make hundreds of thousands of dollars a year. I make and will continue to make a lousy $600 a month on Social Security. I am an artist and that is my only talent. Something like 99% of artists struggle and starve on the streets. For some reason I can't cry no matter how hard I try. I just have this fake smile on my face and laugh everything off. I am totally hopeless about my future. No one will ever marry me. I hate myself at times. All I do is be a burden on my family and the world. I know a Great Depression is coming and it will be my fault because I am depressed. I was doing great a few months ago. I was close to being manic. I drew 24 hours a day, had plans for 3 books, and thought I was going to change the world of art. I was on top of the world and thought NOTHING could go wrong. That is not like me at all. Now I'm crashing and burning with no hope. I am a useless human being (Am I even human?) and should be killed. It would be great for the world. Also I am constantly being accused of crimes that I know I didn't do. I have thought insertion and it is telling me stuff. They keep saying, "I have the evidence and it will be used against you." I have this one thought insertion or non-audible voice that tells me that my pills are filled with poison and will release a toxin into my wimpy body. To make things worse, my pills work as a tracking device for the CIA and FBI! The lovely government also has a device in me that sends their thoughts into my head and also sends my thoughts to them. They say that I killed many people across the country and possibly the world. How in the hell is that possible? I don't travel the country or world. What are they thinking? Are they thinking that my thoughts somehow controls criminals to kill them? I think if I have an "evil" thought it will be used against me. The government is planting evidence just to get me. Even my psychiatrist is in on the plot to kill me and right now I don't trust him. So, what do I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cuttlefish Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 I'm so sorry you are going through this; no one deserves to be as scared and sad as you are now. Please be safe, even going so far as checking yourself in to the nearest hospital. At the least, calmly and clearly confide how you feel right now to someone who is close to you-someone who you know makes you feel safe. You are a creative, talented individual who deserves to live, so please give yourself that chance. You deserve that chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
null0trooper Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 I have thought insertion and it is telling me stuff. They keep saying, "I have the evidence and it will be used against you." I have this one thought insertion or non-audible voice that tells me that my pills are filled with poison and will release a toxin into my wimpy body. To make things worse, my pills work as a tracking device for the CIA and FBI! The lovely government also has a device in me that sends their thoughts into my head and also sends my thoughts to them. All of these seem designed to keep you as far away from medical help as possible, so they can't be trusted. My advice would be to quickly and quietly get to a hospital. There are some nights that it's all right to try to tough it out until morning, but this doesn't sound like one of them. If somehow you don't make it to a hospital, have someone take you to one of your doctors first thing in the morning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FireBird Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 I will try to live until this Friday. That is when I see my psychologist. I trust her....for now. She might be the only one that could put me into the hospital. I can't just go. I have an art show on Wednesday and I MUST go to that. I expect the show to fail, of course but that doesn't stop me from going to it. I have not just low hopes for any of the shows I'll be in, I have NO hopes what so ever. Nothing good deserves to happen to me. I am put on this Earth just to suffer and see how great the rest of the world is doing. I trust my psychologist because she can't prescribe medications and to put poison in it. My psychologist is there just to talk. So, that is why I trust her. In a way I am nervous because she might turn me into the government. I am NOT a criminal by any means. I am a normal human or something like that. I didn't do it!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangergirl Posted February 12, 2008 Share Posted February 12, 2008 You've gotten a lot of good advice...I could make a bad joke about ...well, I just won't bc you are so fragile right now. I think Null hit the nail on the head....doesn't it seem odd that all of these manifestations are preventing you from seeing your pdoc and taking your meds? The only things that could make these IRRATIONAL fears go away? I think you are posting here bc you know that it's your illness talking and not the "real" you talking. Please get yourself to the ER or to your pdoc ASAP. If you're hanging on for your Art Show, there are so many other things that you can hang on for as well....please post to let us know how you're doing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FireBird Posted February 12, 2008 Author Share Posted February 12, 2008 I take my lovely pills still. I went 5 days without it and then the parents found out so I must take it. Even though they are poison, that is not the main reason why I want to quit them. It is because of the tracking device and the fact that most of my pills make me fat. I don't want to be fat. I have gained 80 pounds on the medicine. The only one that I am taking that isn't making me fat is the Geodon. I won't quit that one. I am fat and ugly and no man would ever want me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Guest_sdjeff_* Posted February 18, 2008 Share Posted February 18, 2008 I might be chiming in a little late here but up until recently I felt very fat and unwanted. Then a few days ago I met this great person and things are going really well. It just takes time. Hang in there. And keep up on the pills. If you are having trouble taking them you might want to talk to your pdoc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FireBird Posted February 19, 2008 Author Share Posted February 19, 2008 I went to the hospital on Friday and there were no beds available. I have to wait until tomorrow to get in. I am still incredibly depressed. The art show was a complete failure. The newspaper came and I thought "great. something might be going for the good now." Boom! When the story came out. I was a few lousy sentences and no pictures. They took pictures of food, and a kid's drawing thinking it was more important than me. I think it was because I'm too fat and ugly and my art isn't good enough for the paper or anything else for that matter. I am not meant to be a success. I am a complete and miserable failure, as it is the story of my pathetic life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mechante Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 I hope you can get into the hospital and that they will help you. I've been...... it's a good place for a much needed break at times. I am sorry about the art show but I do not think you are a failure. You are very brave and are doing the right thing in pursuing help and continuing to come back here and talk to us. Things will get better. Just hang on, okay? We're here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zedster Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 Please hang in there and realize that your depressed mood is the same as your manic mood you experienced earlier: they are just manifestations of your mental illness. I have felt as you felt, and was hospitalized for it. I still am not well, but at least I don't feel like killing myself most of the time. Hopefully that will be your experience also; actually I mean I hope you will fare better than me and actually feel good. I, a complete stranger to you, am thinking about you and wishing you well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 19, 2008 Share Posted February 19, 2008 The art show was a complete failure. The newspaper came and I thought "great. something might be going for the good now." Boom! When the story came out. I was a few lousy sentences and no pictures. They took pictures of food, and a kid's drawing thinking it was more important than me. I think it was because I'm too fat and ugly and my art isn't good enough for the paper or anything else for that matter. I am not meant to be a success. I am a complete and miserable failure, as it is the story of my pathetic life. Have you ever been to a movie and thought it was good or bad, and the person you saw it with thought it was the opposite? I don't think art is good or bad in any standard objective way, just because this paper didn't feature it, it doesn't reflect you or your value as an artist or a person. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeInVa Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 I went to the hospital on Friday and there were no beds available. I have to wait until tomorrow to get in. I am still incredibly depressed. The art show was a complete failure. The newspaper came and I thought "great. something might be going for the good now." Boom! When the story came out. I was a few lousy sentences and no pictures. They took pictures of food, and a kid's drawing thinking it was more important than me. I think it was because I'm too fat and ugly and my art isn't good enough for the paper or anything else for that matter. I am not meant to be a success. I am a complete and miserable failure, as it is the story of my pathetic life. ((((Firebird))) I had a terrible weekend & ended up in the ER as a result of an OD'ed on vistaril by taking 100mgs & it was NOT a pleasant experience that's for sure.I recently left another forum because I can no longer tolerate the cruelty of the members there who triggered my suicidal actions that night. I don't want to see you make the same mistake that I did & end up having to endure an uncomfortable stay in the hospital so please try & stay safe & if you're having trouble please call someone that you trust so they can help you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
confused Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Firebird I hope you are in the hospital today and safe. Please update us when you can. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeInVa Posted February 20, 2008 Share Posted February 20, 2008 Firebird I hope you are in the hospital today and safe. Please update us when you can. I agree,after the ordeal I went through yesterday I don't ever hope to repeat it because it was horrible to say the least. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FireBird Posted February 29, 2008 Author Share Posted February 29, 2008 Hello all, I'm back! I went to the hospital and it wasn't a good experience. They raised my Geodon to the max dose and gave me Lamictal for my moods. There were people who put me down in there but I can't mention who they are because they will find me and kill me. It was some of the patients there. The majority of them were nice but 2 of them were just plain mean to me and made me actually feel worse off. That proves that I am a bad person. One of them called me a liar even though I tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. What do I have to gain from lying? Nothing. And I believe people who deliberately lie for some gain goes to hell. I admit that I am sarcastic a lot, maybe she couldn't tell that I was being sarcastic at that moment. I am still depressed but not suicidally depressed which is an improvement. I took a depression test when I was there and anything over 70 is considered severe to extreme depression. When I was first there, I got an 84 which is off the charts. When I left, they gave me the test again and got a 75. Still in the severe to extreme range. If you met me you would never guess that I was depressed. I smile and laugh everything off. My affect doesn't match my moods. How sad. I think it is because of the autism that I can't show the correct emotions. It messes with my mind. I can't think. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MikeInVa Posted March 1, 2008 Share Posted March 1, 2008 Hello all, I'm back! I went to the hospital and it wasn't a good experience. They raised my Geodon to the max dose and gave me Lamictal for my moods. There were people who put me down in there but I can't mention who they are because they will find me and kill me. It was some of the patients there. The majority of them were nice but 2 of them were just plain mean to me and made me actually feel worse off. That proves that I am a bad person. One of them called me a liar even though I tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. What do I have to gain from lying? Nothing. And I believe people who deliberately lie for some gain goes to hell. I admit that I am sarcastic a lot, maybe she couldn't tell that I was being sarcastic at that moment. I am still depressed but not suicidally depressed which is an improvement. I took a depression test when I was there and anything over 70 is considered severe to extreme depression. When I was first there, I got an 84 which is off the charts. When I left, they gave me the test again and got a 75. Still in the severe to extreme range. If you met me you would never guess that I was depressed. I smile and laugh everything off. My affect doesn't match my moods. How sad. I think it is because of the autism that I can't show the correct emotions. It messes with my mind. I can't think. ((((((Firebird)))))) I'm sorry that you had to go through that hell in the hospital,I just saw my new tdoc yesterday & had to take one of those suicide evaluations as well due to my recent hospitalization that I mentioned for the medication overdose a few weeks ago & she gave me some more paperwork related to that to look over & sign so I've got my work cut out for me. What form of autism have you got? My last tdoc definitely agreed with the suspicions that I may have aspergers,which has no doubt triggered my depression,or at least has played a big role in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FireBird Posted March 1, 2008 Author Share Posted March 1, 2008 MikeInVa, I have high functioning autism and was diagnosed at the young age of 5. I had it much earlier than that, I think I had symptoms since 1 year old. I remember when I was young many thousands of years ago...... I don't remember my childhood that well. My lovely memory sucks. To be exact, my diagnosis was "High functioning moderate autism." I barely show any symptoms of it now, look how I am posting on the Internet! When I was young, I wouldn't talk to people and if they would get too close, I would scream my head off. I would scream at everything! If something wasn't perfect, I would scream. Now I talk to people all the time. But I am still scared of large crowds because they could read my mind. How fun. Small groups of humans is where I do best like in the groups I'm in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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