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Soul destroying thoughts!


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I have sat and stared at this screen for what seems like hours,I really dont know if Im posting in the right place or if Im doing the right thing by talking about what Im going to......after a discussion with another member it was suggested I maybe put up a topic and see what kind of responce I get,Im afraid that you guys will read this and just think Im awful and not the person I have portrayed myself to be,really though Im a nice woman but yes the thoughts I have are in my eyes just evil..............here goes

I have been like this for years,forever even but have muddled my way through life hating myself for the thoughts I was obsessivley having,

When Im with family and friends....people that I really love I think the most terrible things,what I could do to hurt them a fleeting thought that I wish theyd just die,as Im having the thoughts Im also screaming in my head to stop,that Im the most awful person,it kills me to think like this

my mum helped me to wash the dishes and Im stood with a knife and Ive got this voice in my head(its me)saying I could stab you!!!I push the thoughts away and just feel incrediable self loathing afterwards,I even have such thoughts about my beautiful,wonderful son that I adore,

My voice was getting louder and louder until my last major mental breakdown before christmas,I had began to turn the thoughts in on myself,which for me was easier to live with yet exhausting thinking and encouraging myself to die or to do things to hurt me,Im now on Respiridal 2mg the pdoc said will prob go up to 4mg,the thoughts are going a little Im praying they at least get quieter,also about to start Remeron,I have no idea whats wrong with me in my mind I feel I must be a bad person to think such things,also how on earth do I tell my family and friends about this....they'll be scared of me!!!

This is a major thing for me,I dont understand why I think such things when Im as a rule a nice person,this topics a mess thanks if you stuck with it ;)

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Kazuma THANKYOU so much for replying,

You have no idea how much that meant to me,

Those thoughts because the nature of them them can make me feel very isolated because as a rule Im scared to share them for fear of the repercussions,to know Im not on my own on this one is Im sure going to help me some!!!

My friend was right to encourage me ;) on this one even just 1 reply makes me feel not so alone on this!!!!!

Im undecided as to tell a few close friends,it has affected my relationship with them so maybe an explanation is required???

There gunna run for the hills I bet but at least they know the score!

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I have been like this for years,forever even but have muddled my way through life hating myself for the thoughts I was obsessivley having,

This is a major thing for me,I dont understand why I think such things when Im as a rule a nice person,this topics a mess thanks if you stuck with it :)

;) Yorkrose, You seem to be stuck on a personal stigma that because you are thinking bizzare thoughts that this means there is an impugnment on the goodness of your everyday life.

I am not a Dr, so this is just Dusty so don't take my thinking as a rule but more of a guess.

Sounds like the meds are the right ones for Mood disorders, anxiety, Ptsd and OCD. These could all combine to give you thoughts. Sounds like a habit, this thinking pattern. A habit with a compulsive/obsesive vector.

Perhaps people in general give you anxiety in some form and when you think these thoughts your

mind is seeking relief from the anxiety.

In other words both your OCD and GAD need to be addressed. All of this may even stem from the position events of your life have brought you to. Like PTSD and the feeling you are somewhere you don't want to be emotionally. Maybe you feel other don't understand how

you feel and tend to say.."just get on with life" rather than trying to understand your deep

emotional stress. So your fustration comes up with thoughts, a silent cry for help.

Dusty

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Its the illness talking, not your personal evilness.

Resist the idea, try not to focus on them. Most importantly, be brutally honest with your doctor, since it is important to fully know your condition. He will not judge you on these thoughts, but he can use them a symptom or marker of how well your treatment is working.

You may not share them with your family, and that is OK as long as you feel under control. If you ever feel like you might harm them or yourself, then you need to tell your family, and ask them to take you to the doctor or A&E.

best. a.m.

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;) The following could be triggery for some people to that same degree as exorcism. please do not read further if such stuff upsets you!!

I'm probably off topic here! It probable should be on the spiritual board, if a mod wants to shift it or someone wants to put me in the incinerator please feel free. I not only believe that God talks to me and asks me to do good deeds but I also believe in the force of evil which puts evil thoughts in my head. Some people would prefer to classify this as temptation. You are not an evil person Rose. You are a good, kind and caring person and I love you in a spiritual way. I think of you often as my saviour who came running to my rescue when I was in real need (I'm getting teary eyed again) You don't know how much good you do here and I'm sure you do even more in your day to day life. Very bad thoughts come into my head too, and it is a constant battle to get them out. But I deal with them by thinking "that's not me, I don't want those thoughts." I have even been seduced into acting on those thoughts and have regretted it intensely. We are above all else human and subjected to human frailties. I'm sure God makes allowance for our humanness. Your distress is a sign of your repentance and I would definitely think that God forgives you.

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Im so glad people have posted and spoken a little how these intrusive thoughts are not just unique in me,Im incrediably sad however that any of us has to go through this,for me its often unbearable,

DR thankyou for the link to the OCD foundation site,I see we have yet another crazy thing in common,Im sorry you too have these thoughts,hugs to you!!

Thankfully Ive never acted on any of my thoughts other then the ones that involve hurting me,mostly by the act of cutting my hair!!!

I would certainly get myself or ask for help if I ever felt I was a true danger,well I hope I would!!!

Im hoping my new meds and therapy can help me learn to cope with this better then I have been doing!!

Earthling please dont feel you have to worry everytime you post about people flaming you,I certainly never will,thankyou for replying I am sorry you too have faced intrusive thoughts!

To have love from another is a great gift to receive,its always good to know theres people that truely care and yes even from greater forces too!!

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I do this all the time.. raping my dad, holding up the bank, headbutting that little old lady, telling my psychiatrist my deepest darkest secret.. that I'm actually a rusty tractor on a small farm in Idaho. With close friends I've had for years it's actually funny to voice some of them in conversation since many are prompted by conversational nuances I pick up on. Otherwise I try and accept the thoughts as natural, not good or evil or anything, and they generally move on quickly. Panicking about them seems to magnify their effect.

One problem I have is large carving knives. I can't get bloody images and violent acts out of my mind when I see one and holding them really freaks me out. Small steak knives have a similar effect if I stare at them for too long.

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I do this all the time.. raping my dad, holding up the bank, headbutting that little old lady, telling my psychiatrist my deepest darkest secret.. that I'm actually a rusty tractor on a small farm in Idaho. With close friends I've had for years it's actually funny to voice some of them in conversation since many are prompted by conversational nuances I pick up on. Otherwise I try and accept the thoughts as natural, not good or evil or anything, and they generally move on quickly. Panicking about them seems to magnify their effect.

One problem I have is large carving knives. I can't get bloody images and violent acts out of my mind when I see one and holding them really freaks me out. Small steak knives have a similar effect if I stare at them for too long.

I don't think anxiety would be a good Dx.for you. I think it would be fairly normal to be scared when faced by your problems. I would say you must be very brave. I'm glad you can deal with your bad thoughts and I hope that you can find some med to help. I also believe that God created science and that he/she would also use it. So to me a med has the possibility of blocking the evil thoughts from an RE point of view.

PS when you look at a steak knife try to concentrate on a nice juicy steak.LOL

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Rosie, my little pumpkin posie....you know, EVERYONE who knows me makes jokes about me not owning any weapons...there is a REASON for that...most of them are afraid of being shot. I can't say that I blame them...so no guns in this house, or any house I've ever lived in since I was a kid. I've nearly staple gunned someone to a tree...and thought better of it....that was at about the age of 12 or so...hmmm, let me count the ways and people I'd like to mutiliate or murder.

There's nothing wrong with thinking about stabbing people to death, running them over with your car (one of my great favorites), bludgeoning them to death with a hammer...oh, wait, you get the idea...it's how close you come to acting on those things.

The only thing that no one else has really said is that I don't know that I'd tell the "normal" people in your life about the thoughts...you kinda have to suss it out. People here get it...people on the outside might not...I wrote a note to my psychologist cousin about the incident when I was 12 bc I was really worried - just like you - and really suffered serious angst about sending it to him.

My mother found it and flipped out - and do you know what I learned from that experience? Burn the notes unless you plan to mail them...don't write things in notes that you don't want anyone to see...having feelings outside the box is wrong and scares other people so never, ever, ever let anyone know about it again...if anything like this ever happens again, lying and saying it was just a joke because you saw it on TV will get you out of just about anything that other people find scary/abnormal...and lastly, that when your mother flips out, instead of wanting to staple gun the annoying little boy who was messing with you, you now have visions of staple gunning your mom.

I am not now, nor have I ever staple gunned anyone. I also don't think that I'm evil for thinking about doing it...but I imagine those people that I think about staple gunning might think me evil, so I don't tell them about it. Make sense?

Ok, I should be sleeping and have been meaning to reply to this since yesterday...lots of love to you babes.

(danger wanders off to think some more about staple gunning people ;) )

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DR,DG,Lost,SW

Thankyou for your replies,the thought you guys can have guns terrifies me,mind you I would imagine theyre pretty easy to get hold of over here too if you really want one!!!!

Would you guys say this is a type of OCD then?

I have no clue whats actually up with me,I tend to come up with my own diagnosis which usually just involves mad evil cow,also what upsets me more is the fact its people I know and love that I think about in a negeative way not just some random people off the street!!

You all hit on some very raw nerves there guys,It really isnt just me is it???!!!

When we tell the MI team do they write danger on our notes?

Are we being watched?(sorry not the best thing to say on an OCD board!!!!!)

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I just have to hug you DR, HUGS,

That security blanket thing really pulled at the old heart strings!!!Bless yer!!!!

Are we allowed to see this shite they write,I always reackon theyre writing about how ugly I am and weird,People tend to keep stuff from me I was in hospital with anorexia and no-one told me why,my immune system was shot I thought I had menangitis!!!!!!

That was along time ago,but still people seem to not tell me things so I come up with my own shite and its pointless telling me to ask Im afraid too!!!!!

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Dangerangel, I'd like to staple gun someone on the spiritual board ;):):)^_^ . But I can't! I promised myself no more bad replies to flaming posts. hhhheeerrrrrrggggg.

I feel better now. Dr changed my medicine today here's hopin' it makes me better.

Rosie, bless ya and don't think bad of yourself. Please discuss it with a professional, when you understand something and are instructed on ways to deal with it. it becomes a lot less scary.

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It didnt go un-noticed Earthling,well done that was excellent personnal control over on that spiritual board!!!!!

Dont bite back hun ,It felt to me thats exactly what was wanted of you!!!!!!

I am chatting to professionals and living in hope for some coping skills and various ways to kick this thing into touch!!!

I can see the staple gun is gunna have to be confiscated!!!!

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DO_NOT_TRY_TO_TAKE_THE_STAPLEGUN

It will result in me having thoughts of staplegunning you. just kidding....or maybe not.... ;)

I stay off the spiritual boards...but I might go check this one out...I feel like yelling at people...and staplegunning.

Rosie, my tdoc only tells me things when I specifically ask him - he does not take notes during our sessions - do not ask me how he keeps track of my shit - *I* barely keep track of my shit. Maybe he's recording me...fuck...that's scary as shit...now I'm gonna have to ask him that...I'm gonna be paranoid for a week.

This week he told me (and I quote), "that's because you're fucking crazy" - now, I may have imagined the "fucking" part (what? me? imagine fucking? nooooo)...but he was laughing his butt off when he said it. It was pretty entertaining - we had a lot of fun "poking" each other (NOOOOO, not that kind of poking - get your mind out of the gutter girl!). The pdoc, however, keeps a little notebook, rarely makes eye contact, says mmm-hmmm a lot and then writes me perscriptions...I'm beginning to want to staplegun that man.

The OCD part can't be diagnosed without a doctor...we are not doctors...and since the thoughts are generally fleeting and come up spontaneously, I would say that they are not OCD. If you laid in bed at night and imagined over and over and over and over and over and over again the knife plunging into your mum's back, in a psycho like fashion - reliving the detail of the scene - well, yeah, that might e a little OCD'ish (this is how I experience these things).

There, there, Rosie, you're not alone **gives you huggles, with staplegun duly hidden behind my back :)

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Rosie,

In my experience an intrusive thought might come and go in a flash, but keeping that image from entering my mind or the real world can become an obsession. A network of forbidden thoughts builds up around this image, because an association might trigger it. Guilt builds out of worry that I am not doing enough to prevent it, that I was evil enough to have generated it, that in order to get help with it I'd need to confess it. Once you have a sophisticated doctor, he or she will know as well as we do what a good person you are and recognize the violent intrusions as an aspect of your MI. Worrying that you will bring violent harm to yourself or another is an extremely common obsession. You can see how familiar it is to people here. Whether or not it reflects OCD, I won't consider for a moment that it reflects your soul, true self or what you desire for those around you. Consider how much anxiety and guilt you feel. That's anything but a sign of wanting evil.

S.

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Rosie,

I experience these thoughts and it is not an OCD thing for me. For me it is about a reaction to stress and anxiety, and while I don't have full blown OCD, as a result of experiencing abuse, it's something my mind does to make me feel secure, ironically.

You are not a bad person. Everybody has these thoughts, but it's a taboo subject in society. For non MI people (I am told) these very occasionally have a thought that way, and then ignore it and it vanishes with no effort on their part. Our brains can get a little confused and it sticks around.

I know of some exercises I was taught in helping the thoughts pass if you ever want to try them. I am happy to post them here if anyone else wants them.

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I know of some exercises I was taught in helping the thoughts pass if you ever want to try them. I am happy to post them here if anyone else wants them.

YES PLEASE ;) . Seriously, Karuna, I would like it very much. Tdoc keeps trying to teach me empathy, which is helping to a certain degree...but I think I need something more....and well, every little bit helps. Thanks!

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