Guest PinkToo2grrl Posted July 14, 2005 Share Posted July 14, 2005 every few days or so my weight goes up another .5 pounds. slowly creeping higher and higher. i now weigh more than i ever have in my life. it's seriously fucking with my self esteem and my motivation. none of my clothes fit me anymore and i can't afford to go buy a whole new wardrobe, so i am wearing tight clothes and feeling like a fat uncomfortable sausage all day long. I gained 30 pounds when i quit smoking. then i lost it with weight watchers, then i gained 20 pounds back on lexapro ... and then another ten, and now another 5 since i added the seroquel. my eating habits really haven't changed that much in all this time. i added wellbutrin to try and counteract the weight gain, but it doesn't seem to be doing much, and if it is I'd hate to see where i'd be without it. i dont want to go to work today. its so uncomfortable to put on clothes. even my damn underwear is tight!! its worse because the seroquel is constipating me, and i'm in that water retention phase of my cycle, all bloated as shit. i KNOW i should be exercising. it's hard. i have never exercised in my life, well except for when i was all ED'd and obsessively doing calisthenics because i was paranoid about gaining even an ounce. once i got on ssri's my urge to purge completely left, so I don't have the ED issue anymore. so i don't have that obsession to motivate me. i've also become more and more sedentary just because my job is at a desk, and i am so tired or depressed most times i just come home and crap out on the couch. i bought a bike last spring, haven't gotten on it once. i KNOW i should be exercising, wanna join the Y and learn to swim, wanna get back into yoga. but, I have been really unmotivated for awhile now. we were hoping the WB would help with that. so far it hasn't. anyway. i am fat, and miserable. i hate the way i feel in my own body. i know what i need to do, but can't seem to get myself to do it, so the situation just keeps getting worse and worse, and i get more and more depressed, and it's a nasty vicious cycle I don't know how to break out of. i know i know, nike: just do it. i just can't seem to accomplish that. god this is miserable. I just want to crawl in a hole and die. i look at my body in the mirror and i cry. i know this shouldn't matter, but it does. i hate the way my body feels, i hate the way my body looks. i know what i need to do, but then why the hell can't i just do it already? why is it the only thing i can do is cry? i really really hate this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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