Just freakin miserable

[Guest PinkToo2grrl]

every few days or so my weight goes up another .5 pounds.  slowly creeping higher and higher.  i now weigh more than i ever have in my life.  it's seriously fucking with my self esteem and my motivation.  none of my clothes fit me anymore and i can't afford to go buy a whole new wardrobe, so i am wearing tight clothes and feeling like a fat uncomfortable sausage all day long. 

I gained 30 pounds when i quit smoking.  then i lost it with weight watchers, then i gained 20 pounds back on lexapro ... and then another ten, and now another 5 since i added the seroquel.  my eating habits really haven't changed that much  in all this time.

i added wellbutrin to try and counteract the weight gain, but it doesn't seem to be doing much, and if it is I'd hate to see where i'd be without it.

i dont want to go to work today.  its so uncomfortable to put on clothes.  even my damn underwear is tight!!

its worse because the seroquel is constipating me, and i'm in that water retention phase of my cycle, all bloated as shit.

i KNOW i should be exercising.  it's hard.  i have never exercised in my life, well except for when i was all ED'd and obsessively doing calisthenics because i was paranoid about gaining even an ounce.  once i got on ssri's my urge to purge completely left, so I don't have the ED issue anymore. so i don't have that obsession to motivate me.

i've also become more and more sedentary just because my job is at a desk, and i am so tired or depressed most times i just come home and crap out on the couch.

i bought a bike last spring, haven't gotten on it once.  i KNOW i should be exercising, wanna join the Y and learn to swim, wanna get back into yoga.  but,  I have been really unmotivated for awhile now.  we were hoping the WB would help with that. so far it hasn't.

anyway.  i am fat, and miserable.  i hate the way i feel in my own body.  i know what i need to do, but can't seem to get myself to do it, so the situation just keeps getting worse and worse, and i get more and more depressed, and it's a nasty vicious cycle I don't know how to break out of.

i know i know, nike: just do it.  i just can't seem to accomplish that.  god this is miserable. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.  i look at my body in the mirror and i cry.  i know this shouldn't matter, but it does.  i hate the way my body feels, i hate the way my body looks.  i know what i need to do, but then why the hell can't i just do it already?  why is it the only thing i can do is cry?

i really really hate this.

[Sulu]

Pink, I totally empathize.  I too cannot get motivated to exercise, was never one for it to begin with, had been skinny all my life and buying clothes to fit this huge me isn't an option, don't have enough money for food let alone clothes.  Sorry I have no nuggets of wisdom for you, I just wanted to join you in your rant.  Depression sucks big time.  Sulu

[Guest Echo unlogged]

Me too pink. I gained 10 lbs on risperdal and now that I'm off that (and haven't lost any of the weight) I'm now on epival (depakote) and seroquel which BOTH cause weight gain not to mention male patern baldness, acne, hair chest ears, knuckles, back, toes, oh yeah and polycystic ovarian syndrome. ACK!

I hope you start to feel better soon. I try not to care too much but when you're already prone to ED's (me too) and you feel so terrible about yourself well, it just plain sucks.

Motivation is my big sucker too. I can't seem to do it no matter how hard I try. I'm a lazy ass.

Here's to hoping we all figure out some way to keep the pounds off soon. Blah.

[Fiona]

i know i know, nike: just do it.  i just can't seem to accomplish that.  god this is miserable. I just want to crawl in a hole and die.  i look at my body in the mirror and i cry.  i know this shouldn't matter, but it does.  i hate the way my body feels, i hate the way my body looks.  i know what i need to do, but then why the hell can't i just do it already?  why is it the only thing i can do is cry?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

You're not alone with this. I know I should be exercising. And I need to go back to the really healthful diet rather than the high-carb one I do more naturally. I think my weight had edged up a bit recently. But, like you say, it's so so so hard to go out to exercise. Especially on the days when I don't even want to leave the house, at all, because even that takes up too much energy.

If it's any comfort, I gained for a long time on a variety of meds but I seem to have stabilized and even a med change hasn't caused additional weight gain. Of course, it's still a number way higher than I'd like.

And it shouldn't make a difference, compared to being suicidal it seems a small price to pay, but it does make a difference in the "thin, thin, thin" culture we have. Still, I've chosen to not let it make a difference to me, to recognize that it's a very small thing next to the suicidal depression. I never much cared what other people thought, so I got lucky there -- but I still feel sometimes like people are judging me for being overweight. I just got inured to it all after a while.

Fiona

[Batou]

every few days or so my weight goes up another .5 pounds.  slowly creeping higher and higher.  i now weigh more than i ever have in my life.  it's seriously fucking with my self esteem and my motivation.  none of my clothes fit me anymore and i can't afford to go buy a whole new wardrobe, so i am wearing tight clothes and feeling like a fat uncomfortable sausage all day long. i really really hate this.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

Pink,

I completely understand. None of my clothes fit either. Well, I do have one pair of jeans I managed to find at GoodWill that do fit but they are the largest size I have ever worn. And they are mens jeans, the only way I can found a waist size and length size that fit my short pudgy body.

I have been up and down weight-wise my entire adult life but it was always within a certain range that I could deal with, you know I had my "fat clothes" and my "skinny clothes" but at least I had a wardrobe that fit. Now I am down to one pair of jeans and some gym shorts. Thank goodness it is summer here and I mostly were the gym shorts but they look far from feminine.

I never cared what other people thought either, or I always told myself so. But now the meds have me at my heavist weight ever and it is depressing. I had to take Symbyax and Lithium at the same time to stop a mania. The Symbyax, the Prozac part, made me more manic, and the Zyprexa part and the Lithium made me gain weight very quickly. At the same time the Lihtium caused hypothyroidism so put the three to together, and I gained a lot of weight very quickly and my metabolism screamed to a halt. Until then I was fortunate enough to have a high metabolism that allowed me to get by eating pretty much whatever I wanted.

I have been on Zyprexa since the first of the year and have only gained more weight, my body never had a chance to lose any of the previous weight gain, and as I said already my metabolism has slowed so much I really have to watch what I eat. I no longer feel or look sexy to my SO. He says my weight doesn't matter, but I haven't heard him say I look sexy in over a year now.

I know I need the Zyprexa right now but I wish I could stop. I don't exercise and I know I should. The weather here is too hot to do anything outside other than a few minutes messing around with my plants. Plus the Zyprexa messes with my internal body temparature so I have to be very careful about not getting over heated. The ACs, Lamictal and Trileptal, also make being in the sun too long difficult.

I don't have the money to buy any clothes. I can't work now but if I could I would not have any appopriate clothes. I would love to join a gym, when I was at the Uni the place had a fantastic gym, but I can't afford to I can't even afford to enroll in any type of exercise classess. And my motivation to do any kind of exerecise at home is, well, honestly non-existent.

I have rambled on enough but I wanted to say I understand. I wish things were different for so many of us struggling with weight gain from our meds. Yet, at the same time I know I would be even worse off without my meds. Yep, it is depressing and I don't need any more depression or blows to my self-esteem.

Hang in there.

Erika

[lilie]

I totally know how you feel. When I hit the 200 lb mark on the scale I spent the day crying. No one really understands that it's not so easy to "just do it". Do things at your own pace and eventually everything will begin to work out the way you need them to. I can't afford to buy clothes either so I wear a lot of my husbands clothes.  And Im fighting agoraphobia so I can't just 'take a walk" I don't have any magic words but I'm right there with you.

Blessings

Lilie

[Ruins]

Another me too. I never had a weight problem until the last nine years when I developed a binge eating disorder. I kept gaining in fits and starts and keep losing any motivation to lose which is bizarre because (1) fat and (2) crazy were always my big No-Nos. Rather amusing in a twisted fashion.

Wellbutrin helps me a lot but I think I'm to the point where it's not enough to get me to go back down. Ugh.

I had to take a new driver's license picture a week ago. I didn't lie about the weight - I was okay about telling even with the fat cow-fat cow refrain in my head. It was the picture that made me cry. I got the official dl yesterday and I haven't even opened the envelope. Can't deal with the fat cow-fat cow in color refrain.

<sigh>

Basically the weight is "on the list" right now.

Luck,

Ruins

[Alice]

Dear Pink,

I have gone up and down in weight on meds too. I had to cut my Wellbutrin dose recently and I immediately put on 7 lbs. It only took about 2 weeks. I'm also on Lexapro and I believe it is the cause of the weight. I have noticed my appetite has increased.

You said one very promising thing in your post. You mentioned that you bought a bike. A few years ago I bought a bike and it sat in my basement unused for three years.

Then I took it out one day at the end of the summer a couple of years ago. It changed my life. I had been very physically ill and was just starting to get active again. Riding the bike, being outside, feeling my legs getting stronger was so motivating I was hooked.

I think biking gets you in shape very fast, and it is really fun IMHO. It doesn't seem like a boring, grueling workout. It seems like freedom.

Even if you wait for the cooler weather, try taking that bike out. It could end up being your best friend in your effort to get up and get out.

I am not young, I'm not a long time athlete. I've had many physical hurdles to overcome. Now I ride a road bike and I'm in better shape than ever. I turn 49 this Sunday.

Don't think of it as exercise. Just think of taking a ride in a pretty place for a half hour, or as much as you can do. I don't think you'll regret it.

Elaine