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Needing Some Assistence with a Major BPD symtom...I Think


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A friend and I are going through a rough patch. I'll call her "Anna". Anna's mother does not want me to associate with her daughter because I have been suicidal and depressed in the past. I am getting better through DBT and intensive therapy but now its Anna who doesn't want to associate with me. I have sent her an email telling her that I am much better then what I was a few months ago, and wrote that I hope she is doing well. What did she write back? "Look, us not being friends is for the best. This is not my mother talking. Just leave me alone, bitch!"

This has hurt me deeply...a close friend of hers says I should keep trying...but I am very confused and hurt...which has lead for me to do some impulsive things. So that I don't trigger anyone, I will just say it involves criteria 5 of BPD disorder. I just feel empty...so empty without my friend. I just don't know what to do. I really need some help. Is this just like the whole "Fatal Attraction Glenn Close" thing? Where I am being dangerously clingy? I have only sent two emails in a period of a week after not talking to her for about two months. Any advice works for me.

Thanks for your time if you bothered to read this.

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I don't think this has anything to do with your MI issues. The girl (for whatever reason) doesn't want to be friends with you and you need to put her aside and move on.

If you are in therapy, maybe you could discuss this emotional neediness with your tdoc. You might be in a particularly vulnerable state right now, with your feelings close to the surface.

But if anyone called me a name like that, they would never hear from me again, guaranteed. Who needs the abuse?

olga

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I don't think this has anything to do with your MI issues. The girl (for whatever reason) doesn't want to be friends with you and you need to put her aside and move on.

If you are in therapy, maybe you could discuss this emotional neediness with your tdoc. You might be in a particularly vulnerable state right now, with your feelings close to the surface.

But if anyone called me a name like that, they would never hear from me again, guaranteed. Who needs the abuse?

olga

that's true...she was pretty harsh. thanks for the advice.

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I don't think this has anything to do with your MI issues. The girl (for whatever reason) doesn't want to be friends with you and you need to put her aside and move on.

If you are in therapy, maybe you could discuss this emotional neediness with your tdoc. You might be in a particularly vulnerable state right now, with your feelings close to the surface.

But if anyone called me a name like that, they would never hear from me again, guaranteed. Who needs the abuse?

olga

that's true...she was pretty harsh.

ITA with Olga (as usual-- listen to her, she gives pretty darn sound advice!) that it sounds like that 'friend' has her own issues not related to the BPD and it's not worth keeping that kind of person around you. We all have our own problems and challanges to deal with, who needs *more* negativity?

As hard as it is to lose someone who used to be a friend, you need to take care of yourself, and continuing to emotionally invest in someone who isn't going to do the same back is not protecting and caring for your own well being. Talking to tdoc about this sounds like a smart move.

Last (but not least.) ITA with Olga about the name-calling. That is NOT okay, and you deserve friends that care for and respect you-- and she just gave you proof in writing that she won't be that kind of friend for you.

Goodluck, I know how hard losing friends can be.

m

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when i read this i had to reply to u

i am bpd as well

i have had a friend for the best part of 9yrs, i would of called her my best friend. we have been through so much together, and although i am the one wit the MI dx i know she has her issues.

i find it very difficult to make friends but when i do i seem to give them my ALL wit no thought to the effect on me. i am forever let down because i trust and ask too much.

afta a bad nite out last year i over heard my friend refer to me as a "fuckin crazy bitch" to some unknown party on the telephone. i went off and from here our friendship crumbled - to the point where she began hangin out wit my ex, in a more then friendly way - to me an ultimate betrayal

although i knew i had done everything for this person and gotten little in return, after my family and other friends told me this person was doing me more harm then good i couldnt drop it. i was so consumed wit sadness, guilt and hurt that our friendship was ending. ;) to the point where i was SI to try and clear / calm my mind :)

I'm not u and i'm not saying your friend was like mine, but what i am saying is that for me as another sufferer of Bpd i know it can be super hard and confusing for our minds and emotions to let go of people in our lives, people we cared for or who we thought cared for us.

So far there is no conclusion to my story i spent 4 months seeing this girl pretty much daily and not talking, now due to circumstance which mean i must see her most days of the week we have an agreement to be civil, i try to smile and pretend i aint so hurt. but its still hard, and its still tearing my heart out. no one truly understands it, my b'friend is the only one who comes close but he like everyone else is getting sick of seeing this person hurt me and me allowing it to happen

good luck wit your friend, only u know truly what this friendship holds and if it is something worth fighting for - what eva u decide i wish u luck

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when i read this i had to reply to u

i am bpd as well

i have had a friend for the best part of 9yrs, i would of called her my best friend. we have been through so much together, and although i am the one wit the MI dx i know she has her issues.

i find it very difficult to make friends but when i do i seem to give them my ALL wit no thought to the effect on me. i am forever let down because i trust and ask too much.

afta a bad nite out last year i over heard my friend refer to me as a "fuckin crazy bitch" to some unknown party on the telephone. i went off and from here our friendship crumbled - to the point where she began hangin out wit my ex, in a more then friendly way - to me an ultimate betrayal

although i knew i had done everything for this person and gotten little in return, after my family and other friends told me this person was doing me more harm then good i couldnt drop it. i was so consumed wit sadness, guilt and hurt that our friendship was ending. ;) to the point where i was SI to try and clear / calm my mind :)

I'm not u and i'm not saying your friend was like mine, but what i am saying is that for me as another sufferer of Bpd i know it can be super hard and confusing for our minds and emotions to let go of people in our lives, people we cared for or who we thought cared for us.

So far there is no conclusion to my story i spent 4 months seeing this girl pretty much daily and not talking, now due to circumstance which mean i must see her most days of the week we have an agreement to be civil, i try to smile and pretend i aint so hurt. but its still hard, and its still tearing my heart out. no one truly understands it, my b'friend is the only one who comes close but he like everyone else is getting sick of seeing this person hurt me and me allowing it to happen

good luck wit your friend, only u know truly what this friendship holds and if it is something worth fighting for - what eva u decide i wish u luck

Wow...its amazing how well you seem to get the situation...I mean, none of my other friends and definately none of my family members seem to get the pain I am going through...thanks so much for the support. She wasn't my best friend, but she was certainly a very good friend.

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i really had to reply to u cause i could tell from your post what u were getting at.

this girl was neva really a best friend but i refused to see her for who she was

i invested so much into my friendship wit her and constantly felt let down, betrayed and unworthy.

it wasnt some sick twisted romance thing (fatal attraction as u put it lol), i just find it hard to make friends and when i do i am so truly loyal and honest and will do anything for them (wit in reason) and instead of just cutting my mate lose when i realised she wasnt really there for me as i was there for her, i stewed on it, blamed myself - cried ;) cut u name it to try and cope.

I wish i could offer some practical advice but i think u really need a clear head to be able to look at the facts of this friendship and weigh up your options.

I can tell u that u arent alone BPD is partly about unstable relationships and self image issues. relationships include those wit partners, family and friends and when u have self image issues u often find ourself in the situation we are in where u know a relationship is unstable and unhealthy but wit out a true sense of ourselves its hard to let go.

Keep me posted on how u go ok, thinkin of u

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Making trusted friends through the mental of eyes of someone with BPD is a tricky thing. We have a tendency to put expectations on other people when really it would be impossible to fulfill them. We tend to see the world through our black and white thinking and expect our friends to fulfill all our needs. We idolise them and when they fall from their pedestal - which invariably they will - we are devastated. It's catastrophic. And then there's the chemical attraction to unhealthy people as balanced healthy people don't provide us with enough drama or the buzz of catastrophy.

Talking and working through this with your therapist will allow you to see your own behaviours and the warning signs of unhealthy people such as the one you just experienced. No one deserves to be called a "bitch" it's verbal abuse.

If you're into books I would highly recommend

Reinventing Your Life: How to Break Free from Negative Life Patterns by Jeffrey E. Young and Klosko

It talks about schemas - core belief systems that are self defeating and negative behaviours and how to challenge and change them.

It sucks losing friends but this one doesn't very supportive or understanding.

My BPD has affected so many of my friendships but learning more about me and my behaviours through CBT.

Anyway you are not alone!

Hawk

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  • 3 weeks later...

I was told to keep people updated--so I am. I have now lost my best friend of 4 years because she brought me to the ER when I was suicidal. Her mother found this to be unacceptable and then told me I could no longer have any contact with her daughter. Obviously, I was crushed. Even more so than by "Anna". I was so sad that I didn't even cut--I attempted suicide.

After about a week of being in the hospital, medical and mental, I recieved a call from my grandfather, whom I love very much. He was crying...sobbing, "Why did you do that sweethart? WHY?" I had to lie to him and say I had a meeting to attend because I just could not handle hearing him so upset. Then I began to cry. Then I realized, "I have hurt someone I love so much...I HAVE to get through this! If not for me, then for my Grandfather! My grandmother! My parents! All my REAL friends!"

I made a pact with myself that I would NEVER try to kill myself again.

I'm getting better. I've even made some new friends...and got in touch with some old ones as well. I just told them everything upfront, and hey, they are fine with it. They accept me for who I am, and I couldn't ask for more.

: )

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