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I'm getting depressed again. I dont think i can get through this.

Last year, i was depressed, it was so bad that i will not let myself go back there....but i dont know how to stop myself 'rolling down the hill'.

My docs tell me to 'wait till it passes'. I dont think i can :) im not sure if its me being impatient, but i dont know what to do

i think my main problem is that i cant stop thinking about suicide. even when im not depressed. or...at least dont feel depressed.

i dont think any amount of meditation, exercise, healthy eating or anything else will help this. does that mean im...doomed?

i said to my docs, please help me. i dont think they can :)

i dont think i can either. does anyone have any ideas of what i can do?

berry ;)

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well i saw a new pdoc, that went well. i didnt mention this though.

its strange. ... im not even close to hitting rock bottom. sure, apathetic, tired. but, still happy at some points. but....still thinking of suicide. at the moment im feeling logical enough to... ignore it.

why does this stay in my head even when im not totally falling apart!! i feel that its not quite believable to be ridiculously obsessed with the thought of S while not actually being that depressed. i think the fact that i cant stop thinkign these thoughts is more depressing than anything else!! i'm making myself worse.

you know, if you um... have a really bad migraine, and every so often you get this wave of pain that....totally gets you. well i used to get those.

feeling how i do now is like that. im ok, its bearable, until all of a sudden it hits me like a wave and i cant even breathe. and...then im ok again.

writing this, i feel more crazy than i thought i was before.

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well i saw a new pdoc, that went well. i didnt mention this though.

its strange. ... im not even close to hitting rock bottom. sure, apathetic, tired. but, still happy at some points. but....still thinking of suicide. at the moment im feeling logical enough to... ignore it.

why does this stay in my head even when im not totally falling apart!! i feel that its not quite believable to be ridiculously obsessed with the thought of S while not actually being that depressed. i think the fact that i cant stop thinkign these thoughts is more depressing than anything else!! i'm making myself worse.

you know, if you um... have a really bad migraine, and every so often you get this wave of pain that....totally gets you. well i used to get those.

feeling how i do now is like that. im ok, its bearable, until all of a sudden it hits me like a wave and i cant even breathe. and...then im ok again.

writing this, i feel more crazy than i thought i was before.

i don't know really what to offer as far as advice. i don't really think i could give you anything of substance since i still have my own issues to work out and have been fearful of hospitalization for the last few months. not because i want to act on my thoughts of hurting myself but because i am having any at all. i think it would be more shameful to those i care about to kill myself then to just be this person who goes through the motions.

so like i said, i cant really be of much help. take a deep breath....i don't know. nothing has worked for me.

good luck.

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hey berry,

sounds really tough and sounds serious. please don't give up, there's something out there that'll help, but you need to hang on until you find it (and i know how hard that is, really, i do).

how about calling the pdoc and describing what's going on, or requesting an emergency appointment? i think i understand what you're saying, that you're not consistently deeply depressed right now, but the constant thoughts of suicide are a symptom in themselves, and it sounds like they're really wearing you down. sounds like you could use some help, and soon.

please reach out for some help and come back and tell us how it went, ok? we care about you.

bean

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berry - i relate completely. i could have written that post.

;)

i've been feeling that way myself. lately i've just been having constant thought of suicide. daily. probably for about a month and a half. it's always there, whispering at the door, asking me to let it further in. and it hasn't wedged itself so far inside the door that i'm just waiting for the *perfect* opportunity, but i think about it enough that it is concerning. several times a day. and no, i don't think i'm falling apart. i'm not doing great, but i feel the darkness creeping in. and sometimes that dark that is creeping toward me is crippling and i sleep for 30+ hours straight. and then i feel absolutely peachy. but still think about suicide often.

and along with that, i've been having these incredible urges to just feel pain - which in turn triggers the urge to si. which of course, is not healthy. i accidentally burned myself on the hand twice recently with the cherry from two separate cigarettes. and when i'm having those thoughts and i happen to look at my hands and see those little marks (they'll fade. they were just tiny burns), i remember the feeling of the burn ... and i want to feel it again. yes, i know that's messed up.

i have to see my pdoc in a few weeks. one thing (and yes, go ahead and throw stones and chastise me for sabotaging my own well being) i don't want is for the rest of my meds to change. this really is the best i've felt in a long-ass time. save the thoughts of offing myself. which are more like ... fantasies? i can't explain it. they're just thoughts. i tell myself they're irrational and illogical and at some point stuff them back in pandora's box and sit on it for a while. and then decide to get up to grab a smoke, accidentally let the box pop open again, the cycle continues. i'm worried that he'll try to change everything all at once and it'll take me months to adjust again. yes, logically i know that fear is not founded. he's never thrown pills at me willy-nilly putting me on meds and yanking me off them and throwing something else at me. yes, of course i know he's the medical professional. and i do trust him. i'm just worried about upsetting the equilibrium.

and no, i don't have a rebuttal for anyone says "you feel pretty good, you don't want to upset the equilibrium, yet you're having frequent suicidal thoughts and want to hurt yourself? that sounds like the opposite of feeling well balanced and like your treatment is working." and you do have a point. perhaps the problem is that i came from such a dark place that how i'm doing right now is exponentially better than i was before so a little suicidal ideation is something i can deal with atm?

wow ... writing that makes it sound even worse than it sounds in my head when i think it. ugh!

its strange. ... im not even close to hitting rock bottom. sure, apathetic, tired. but, still happy at some points. but....still thinking of suicide. at the moment im feeling logical enough to... ignore it.

and that's exactly how i feel. the thoughts are there, but i am logical enough and grounded enough to ignore them.

i have no advice berry ... i'm still trying to figure out how to deal with this myself. but i do know that i hear you loud and clear. you're not alone.

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well i saw a new pdoc, that went well. i didnt mention this though.

its strange. ... im not even close to hitting rock bottom. sure, apathetic, tired. but, still happy at some points. but....still thinking of suicide. at the moment im feeling logical enough to... ignore it.

why does this stay in my head even when im not totally falling apart!! i feel that its not quite believable to be ridiculously obsessed with the thought of S while not actually being that depressed. i think the fact that i cant stop thinkign these thoughts is more depressing than anything else!! i'm making myself worse.

you know, if you um... have a really bad migraine, and every so often you get this wave of pain that....totally gets you. well i used to get those.

feeling how i do now is like that. im ok, its bearable, until all of a sudden it hits me like a wave and i cant even breathe. and...then im ok again.

writing this, i feel more crazy than i thought i was before.

am very tired and not thinking 100% straight, so am going to do a list so maybe you can get some meaning out of my rambling, k? here we go:

  • you're not alone. I'm actually comforted in an odd way that I'm not the only one to which this has happened...even if you feel 'crazy' for having these thoughts, crazy loves company, and you've got plenty ;)
  • I totally 110% agree that this is something that you NEED to bring up with your pdoc. I'm speaking from personal experience here too-- keeping this kind of thing from your pdoc for whatever reason (sounds too far fetched/are feeling fine at moment/think it must be a phase/don't want to sound dramatic/don't even have a CLUE as to why you'd keep it from them....whatever) is not.a.good.idea.

    • you say that you feel like you're making yourself worse-- don't go and make that 100% true by not allowing people to help you, you know?

    [*]are you seeing anyone to talk to? tdoc/counselor/etc.?

    • it's a hard thing to go do if you aren't already seeing someone, it was a big step for me-- but it could be so so so helpful for you. sure meds might be able to help a lot too, but in the meantime, a tdoc could help you figure out ways of coping with these 'waves' (by the way, I used the same exact word in my journal to describe this.)

  • as unhelpful/unhealthy these thoughts are, there are healthy ways of dealing with that kind of thought, you know? you don't have to battle it out alone, a more objective source might help you see little things you can do to make this more bearable

[*]if the tdoc is not a possibility (or even if it is), another thing that has helped me over the years is journaling. not as in a 'dear diary, this is meg. today I brushed my teeth and...' but just a pad of paper, your favorite kind of pen and just writingwritingwriting and letting go. let those thoughts pour right out of your hand and don't stop to think about silly things like spelling/handwriting/phrasing/wording...just get your 'stream of consciousness' down on paper when the thoughts get too overwhelming. for me, getting them out of my head and onto paper instead is a HUGE relief, give it a shot.

goodluck, take CARE of yourself (if the wave gets too deep, call in the coast guard, ok?)

meg

ps- keep us posted so we don't worry!

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wake me, meg, thankyou.

i will reply more later. tonight i cant stop crying. all i can think is ...i cant handle this anymore. i cant handle the thoughts. i cant handle wanting to die. i cant handle being alive.

i think i have run out of tears for the moment. i tried to go to the chat but it wouldnt work for me. i feel that i cant talk to anyone about this. no one understands. i dont want to worry my friends, they cant do anything anyway. i think i've made myself sick with all this crying.

and no, i cant call my pdoc. i dont even know his phone number, ive only seen him once. old pdoc is not helpful anyway. hospital cant do anything. my GP would just tell me to take seroquel and sleep. i dont want to sleep. ridiculous. you know why? because i wake up and the next day is worse.

it is depressing that my post is so depressing. i am horrified, i cant pull myself up out of this!

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