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crappy post with little or no cohesive or good grammar structure, so I apologize in advance.

T appt today. Talked about my weekend in NYC to visit my sick sister. Really sick. Like, terminal illness sick. Talked about my sort-of-relapsing. Stopped taking my meds b/c there's no fucking point and I feel guilty when I take 'em because of all the anti-med articles I've read. I know they work for some people. I don't think I'm one of those people. T sez same old thing: you've got to decide when you want to change, you need to start acting "as if" you feel better, then you'll feel better---that shit doesn't work for me. He also told me he wasn't going anywhere, he won't drop me which made me feel kind of better but not really. I have to use next session to 'work through' the ptsd stuff, read the written account I wrote of what happened. I wanted to do that today but couldn't bring myself to. I was afraid of losing control. "Does is really suck ALL the time?" t asks. My answer: yeh, buddy, It fucking sucks all the time. everyday. it hurts every fucking day.

I have to send a paper to a conference and I can't. I can't think right. I have to go to tomorrow and take my fucking Badminton skills test b/c the bitch prof gave me an incomplete for it last sem, because I had to go to the hospital. I'm out of xanax, so I won't sleep tonight. pdoc won't renew my scrip b/c I have a history of drug abuse. Guess I'm not supposed to sleep.I'm going to fail the skills test, which means I won't graduate. At this point I don't care anyway. I wanna go buy some H, I've done oxys and other opiate shit so why not go whole hog? Except I don't even know who to call up here to cop, even for weed. My connection has left. My band is fucking done, I'm a a fucking hideous, disgusting monster of a woman so to reach out for affection or help from anyone is out of the question, since I probably just deserve all this anyway. I'm exhausted and I can't sleep. I said to my T: when I feel like I have no reason for living at one in the morning what can I do? I said, I just take a xanax and get unconscious for awhile, so I don't have to think. I said every day around 5 o clock when I realize this day is going to end and then there will be another day and another day I just can't fucking take it. He says: take it one day at a time, then.

Fuck. I am failing at therapy. I am failing at school. I'm failing at life so what's the point of continuing on with it? I just wanna cry and fall apart and cry but I can't. I just can't. It hurts so fucking much, it's like a continuous loop of pain and I am supposed to fucking care about BADMINTON? fuck this. I don't know what to do. Sorry for writing such a long post.

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Stopped taking my meds b/c there's no fucking point and I feel guilty when I take 'em because of all the anti-med articles I've read.

Here's the catch: the anti-meds folks WANT to feel exactly the way you've described.

Some of them want it because they believe that however good or bad you feel is the result of something you must have done sometime, so you deserve it. Others are off on a "self-reliance" or "self-actualization" kick,

and believe that while you might not have done anything to "deserve" to feel so bad - since they have

complete control of their feelings, you must also ... so it's still all your fault for being so weak. (By the way,

they're lying to you and to themselves)

And some bastards want you off meds and miserable in the hopes that you'll come to them for your mental

or spiritual "salvation".

Anyway, the meds they hate you for are for exactly these times you're going through. It's true that enough

of a strong enough SSRI or antipsychotic can leave a person damned near numb, emotionally. Guess what?

Moral people don't refuse painkillers and numbing agents to people whose bodies are as torn up as your

head and heart are inside.

I'll repeat that rephrased: Moral people do not refuse painkillers to people in severe pain.

It's also true that getting the right meds in the right dosages is more a (black) art than a science. Even then,

the main effects and side effects can be rough on a person. They're usually not even a fraction as rough as

your life has gone today.

Do what you have to to get through the night, and get some help - enough to make it a day at a time, maybe

get some things straightened back out. Later, if you really don't need the pills and powders and so forth, you

can always taper off then and go on with your life.

Sometimes, when it all hurts too much you have to tell the world "Let me just get through tonight; I'll cry

tomorrow if I have to."

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I just want you to know you are not alone. I could have written your post easily, especially about sleeping at night and not wanting to go through the same shit day after day, the fact that Xanax is the only thing that helps you sleep... I've been trying to wean off of mine.. HILARIOUS! Not a chance in hell. Can't do it.

You aren't alone... and I'm ON meds. Figure THAT one out.

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Wow. I hope you don't mind me saying this but that is bad therapy advice. "act" like it. What successful therapy gets someone to act better when one is in distress with a close relative who is ill. You need a better therapist. I know how hard it is to come by one. I'm postitive that every person at this site has been in desperate emotional times like this.

Don't do H. You know it is soul destroying. You deserve health and happiness and can go in a different direction then to that. Nurture yourself and do things that you like. Eat your favorite foods. Wear your comfy clothes. Listen to music. Anything that you can do to ease a little bit of the suffering...do it. If something was important and it is not now while you are in crisis then let it go.

1 day at a time

1 hour at a time

1 minute at a time

There will be better days ahead. Life will be better another time. Live for the chance to get better.

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You are a very strong person, but I know (because people tell me that) sometimes what you want is not to have the strive, survive, and for someone to come in and make it better. A tdoc may not be able to do that right now. Is there a friend or a loved one who can come and sit with you, maybe make you a hot drink, talk with you, listen to some music with you?

I am concerned that you feel low. When you say 'suicidal ideation', can I ask if you have a method in mind, and a time and place to do this? I just want to try to gauge how much at risk you are.

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I'm sorry you feel so bad right now. I've been there. There are a lot more options for sleep meds besides xanax. Meds can make therapy easier in a lot of cases. If you are really thinking of abusing drugs or carrying out a plan I suggest going to the hospital. If your meds aren't working that means that they aren't the right dose, you haven't been on them long enough, or that they aren't the right meds for you. It takes a while to achieve stability, but it CAN be done. If your therapist isn't helping you, find another. You may want to get accommodations at school by disclosing your dx. I wish you luck, it can suck at times but it can get so much better.

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I just want to tell you how sorry I am that you feel so awful. I realize that it doesn't help anything- but know that all these cyber friends care and have been there too. Please keep on talking to us.

by the way- you cannot fail therapy- its impossible by definition( or at least by something)

When I was failing things in school, I opted to withdraw rather than get an F. Maybe you are not up to the pressures of school right now- there would be no shame in waiting until next semester or whenever you feel up to it. Maybe you need to give yourself a break.

Maybe lying in bed under the covers doesn't have to be a bad thing- if it comforts you I think its ok as long as you continue to have at least some human interaction and that the bedtime is not indefinate.

I know you probably can't see this right now, but your mood will change- they always do.

In the meantime try to keep connected- even if its here, and of course if you feel yourself spiraling toward being self destructive -get yourself to an ER.

let us know how you are doing OK?

mrs l

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Thank you all much for replying. It means a lot since, although I have some friends, I don't feel comfortable reaching out to them in such a manner.

I DID end up going to ER, because I was on a four-day sleepless booze marathon and at the end couldn't calm down or shut my eyes to sleep without freaking out. The doc there was pissed that the pdoc at my university refused to renew my scrip, as he put it "it's like she was ASKING for this to happen". So, I am going to direct her to him when she refuses to refill my ativan scrip when it runs out. I'm still feeling really bad physically but I made it to class today despite everything and I am going to try and record with a new band later. The ativan helps.

Thank you all for caring.

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I'm glad that you went to the ER and it seems like you are doing better. Stay safe!

I agree,I had to go through the same thing last week after a suicide attempt so I went into the ER & had the most unpleasant experience of my life.

Now I talked to my pdoc about it yesterday & as expected she wasn't happy about it & has taken me off the Lexapro & started me on Paxil so let's see if that helps.I took my first one this morning & so far no side effects have occured so that's a good start.

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