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on the verge of giving up


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i don't know what to do. i feel like a failure. i want to end this pain but i'm to ashamed to do it. i spend my life in fear and i can't stop it. i have no mother to turn to right now and i am to scared to talk to anyone else because no one understands this type of pain and can just hug me and tell me everything will be ok. i have no one.

i'm to scared to tell anyone what is really going on, the suicidal thoughts and how they get louder each day. i don't want to get locked away. i can't get put in a hospital, that is not an option. death would come before that.

i'm so ashamed at what i have let myself become and how i continue to let people down.

i don't know what to do anymore....................

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Hi I see in your med list that your not taking a mood stabalizer why not ask you pdoc about lithium or lamictal those are pretty good at dealing with suicidal ideas. I also see that your on a very low dose of abilify. If your hearing voices then you might want that raised as well. It goes up to 30mg. good luck

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When I'm turning downward I sometimes try to make a deal with myself that I'll make no big decisions that wil impact my or my family's life/lives.

Reading your blog --- be back in a bit have to make the school run and my COBP daughter is not having a good morning either --- so far, you've got some skills and talent. That's ammo against the terminal thoughts.

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thanks guys.

i called my brother this morning and talked with him for a bit. he's the only one i can turn to right now that truly understands as he has severe bipolar.

he calmed me down a bit but i'm more emotional than usual because of my period, at least that's what i am hoping for.

crowly: thanks for the tips about the meds. for the first few days on abilify at the low dose i was great, with the exception of a lingering headache but that went away. the restlness started on monday. all of the reviews that i have read on this drug say that these symptoms go away if you can stick to it. even at the lowest dose possible i had a hard time thinking negatively....until i stopped sleeping. if it doesn't go away in a few days, i will call and see if i can go back in to adjust everything. therapy is in a few hours - should be chock full of snotty tissues i'm sure.

and thanks, jackbquick, about the writing comments. i wrote that story nearly 10 years ago from an experience that happened 12 years ago. i haven't written anything since. not like that anyway.

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Glad you talked to your brother. My next youngest is highly skilled in talking me back outta the dark alley (that has the lethal vortex at the end of it). Key allies, brothers can be.

Glad to hear you're going to the doc too.

About the writing... finished reading it when I got back from the kid-run. From a story standpoint I have some many questions about it, and those are areas you can use to write more stuff, looking back on that time from today's POV.

Ya know, you might wanna consider keeping at it, writing stuff down, putting it onto your new blog. Writing is kinetic (all that grapho-motor activity), it focuses the mind (or not), and it puts a window in a wall where there was none before. It might be another ally for you too.

Anyhow, stick around. No curtain calls, yeah? We're all still working on act two... lots of the story still to play out. I'd offer a hug but I think the CB gets freaked out by them. ;)

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well this particular brother i haven't talked to in some years as he's been in prison or abusing crack so i took him out of my life. it's only been recently that i've been able to talk to him as he seems to be doing better (sobriety wise) than he ever has been and at this point in my life i need his understanding. the rest of my family, husband included, is really oblivious to this kind of pain and think it is something that can be "snapped out of", so it's hard to confide in them.

as for the writing. those come from very dark places and this is the first dark place i have been in some years. let's see, therapy is in an hour or so.........perhaps i can pick up on some of it. depends on how blurry my eye sight is from continuous crying. ;)

thanks for the push. i'm big into photography too and i've got some people pushing me to get back into that.

it's always so strange, to me at least, that the most creative of people have the most clustered of minds and as you are in your teenage years expressing yourself for the first real time you find yourself competing with others to find out who has the most "tortured soul".

and no curtain calls......believe it or not, this chick-a-dee was a star in school plays and used to love the spot light, so the yearning to get back to that will keep any curtains from falling on me. :)

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I agree about sharing. It really helps to get your feelings out. You shouldn't feel embarrassed to be suicidal, I understand what you mean though. Owning up to my family about being suicidal was really hard, but it was necessary and for the best. They didn't understand but they aided me in getting help. This last go round I went into the hospital for a week just to get stable and am now going to a pretty good IOP. You need people who will help you, not just listen to you. If you aren't in a good state of mind, others may have to take control. That means you have to give some up.

As for adjusting meds, if you are suicidal then do not pass go, do not collect $200 - get thee to thy doc's. Just call and tell them what's going on and see what they say. If you're not sleepig on abilify that's no good. Not sleeping leads to more craziness, which defeats the purpose of the meds. Abilify made me not able to sit down for long periods of time and I had to go off after checking w/ doc. Risperdal is doing really well at a moderately high level to squash the voice constantly running through the back of my mind trying to convince me to harm myself.

Get help. Tell people. It's not shameful to ask for help, it's shameful not to.

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thanks, i'm going to stick out the abilify for a bit longer. i want to give it an honest try. being on one of more "hormonal" period cycles isn't helping my situation and it's only making it worse. the test of it will be later on next week when the hormones even out a bit and i'm back to normal.

unfortnately i get REALLY bad periods every couple of months, with horrid cramping and terrible crying spells. so we will see in a week.

thanks for the support guys, it means a lot!

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i don't know what to do. i feel like a failure. i want to end this pain but i'm to ashamed to do it. i spend my life in fear and i can't stop it. i have no mother to turn to right now and i am to scared to talk to anyone else because no one understands this type of pain and can just hug me and tell me everything will be ok. i have no one.

i'm to scared to tell anyone what is really going on, the suicidal thoughts and how they get louder each day. i don't want to get locked away. i can't get put in a hospital, that is not an option. death would come before that.

i'm so ashamed at what i have let myself become and how i continue to let people down.

i don't know what to do anymore....................

I feel exactly the same way as you.

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  • 2 weeks later...

i don't know what to do. i feel like a failure. i want to end this pain but i'm to ashamed to do it. i spend my life in fear and i can't stop it. i have no mother to turn to right now and i am to scared to talk to anyone else because no one understands this type of pain and can just hug me and tell me everything will be ok. i have no one.

i'm to scared to tell anyone what is really going on, the suicidal thoughts and how they get louder each day. i don't want to get locked away. i can't get put in a hospital, that is not an option. death would come before that.

i'm so ashamed at what i have let myself become and how i continue to let people down.

i don't know what to do anymore....................

That is me as well.....I can't even imagine anyone in my life understanding the pain I am in....I barely understand it myself...

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