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When I go to the GP's office the diagnosis flashes up on the computer screen that I am on the severe mental health register as 'Schizoaffective' but they keep telling me it's a paranoid schizophrenic psychosis or sometimes say its schizotypal disorder.

Lately I have been feeling very high. In work, in an attempt to get rid of the voices and htought broadcasting and thought insertion from the you-know-whos, I work like a maniac. I rush around and I am 2 weeks ahead of schedule. This hard intensive labour makes me very psychotic. I can't take physical exercise as my thoughts run out of control and I start thinking all starts of crazy grandiose notions or get hit by a barrage of abusive thoughts. After work I take diazepam and lorazepam, get into my pyjamas and study and write until the small hours of the morning - I spend a fortune on buying courses, I'm obsessed with studying. I feel compelled to do it constantly. On the weekends I get up at 7am to study. Its the only way I can get rid of the voices and psychosis. Is this mania?

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Dearest Blackbird,

I am not qualified to diagnose but I think symptoms vary from person to person. DD typically finds her thoughts to race uncontrollably, she tends to stay up later than normal (but does not have days and day without sleep), she gets very talkative, finds anything and everything hilarious, tends to say things that are aytpical for her (things that some might consider inappropriate but most people just laugh at her about), she feels like she has increased energy but doesn't necessarily run a marathon, and spends what limited financial resources she has more freely than she normally would (she is generally a tightwad). I just asked her and she said a key for her is that everything she feels is escalated, she drops out of mania very quickly and it isn't fun, and that she doesn't always remember things we tell her she's said. She usually will tell me that she's feeling manic before I even recognize the symptoms but every single time (and I mean EVERY time) that she says that she's feeling manic I always look at her eyes and they are always incredibly dilated. For us, it's a sure sign.

I hope your doctor will consider a mood stabalizer for you. I know you don't take Seroquel but it does have a mood stabalizer component to it. In dd's case, she takes 1800 mg. of Trileptal a day and it really helps keep her stable - not too low and not too high. Yes, she still has periods of mania but it's only a few times a year, at the most, as compared to her constantly going from way low to way high a dozen times a day.

Take care~

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My own - currently drunken - opinion is you need to sort the "psychic evil nurse" shit out. You are experiencing heavy paranoia, however much you realise it. You need the right anti-psychotics. Just my tuppence for what it's worth.

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The problem is, the 'delusion' (I still believe it's all happening although I recognise how it looks like a gross paramoid delusion to you guys) is so entrenched I din't think any medication can get rid of it. If Zyprexa can't then what the heck can?Clozaril? That means going into hospital again to the nurses... ;) Yesterday was such a bad day, I had incontrollable voices that were saying really dreadful, disgusting things about the nurses. I couldn't control them. And the voices and visions I were receiving back told me they were pretty fucking irate. I'm scared in case they'll do something to sabotage my life, maim me or kill me. I can't control my thoughts. I have a p-doc appoitment tomorrow I'll tell him all this

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The problem is, the 'delusion' (I still believe it's all happening although I recognise how it looks like a gross paramoid delusion to you guys) is so entrenched I din't think any medication can get rid of it. If Zyprexa can't then what the heck can?Clozaril? That means going into hospital again to the nurses... ;) Yesterday was such a bad day, I had incontrollable voices that were saying really dreadful, disgusting things about the nurses. I couldn't control them. And the voices and visions I were receiving back told me they were pretty fucking irate. I'm scared in case they'll do something to sabotage my life, maim me or kill me. I can't control my thoughts. I have a p-doc appoitment tomorrow I'll tell him all this

How did the appointment go?

Maybe a different mood stabilizer would help? When I had hallucinations, raising my depakote would help. It would control the mania.

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Hi confused!

The p-doc appointment was funny. He keeps pushing clozaril - the last ditch med for intractable schizophrenia but at the same time wants me to see another psychiatrist for a second opinion because apparently my case is a 'conundrum'. Yes, apparently he is unsure whether I have schizophrenia or not because in his words "You can do things like hold down a job, write books, study for a doctorate" and he says people with schizophrenia can't do things like that which I find incredibly fucking ignorant and patronising and just plain stupid on his part as Im sure we have a lot of high functioning schizophrenic/psychotic/schizoaffective people on this board. And he failed to take into account that I am only functional because of Zyprexa. It doesn't remove all the symptoms but it gives me a lot of focus and drive. When I'm unmedicated I can't even concentrate to read a magazine, I can't do my job or study for the easiest exam. I am a shell of a woman. But he did give me some baby dosage of haloperidol to add to the Zyprexa. Ideally I should be on about 3mgs of Haldol a day but it puts me into premature menopause even though it kicks the ass of my psychosis

blackbird x

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"write a book, study for a doctorate"

i want to do those things. in time i guess.

hope the second opinon goes better than patronizing pdoc and the psychosis gets it's butt kicked. sounds like you are going in a reasonable, functional direction.

represent

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