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I have been struggling wit an ED as well as bipolar for the last ten years. i am dx as bulimic but as there as so many different ways to b bulimic i will let u know i neva 'binge' as such i dont eat more then i should but i choose to make myself sick wheneva i eat what i consider to be a 'large or fatty meal' this to most people would be a normal meal or a normal size treat - a small bag of chips. i dont binge as such.

sometimes i go long periods barely eating and i dont purge at all, then i go for periods where i do eat but i purge what i do.

i have tried ova the last say yr 2 cut back on purging cause i am having bad side effects now after 10yrs of making myself sick and have done much damage to my stomach and insides i found out after having to see a specialist in extreme stomach pain.

here is though - everytime i get to what i consider a healthy goal weight, my formula is i have to stay above 19 on the BMI otherwise i know my doc will put me in hospital he said that. so i try and stay at like 20/21 BMI. i know this doesnt give u a great idea of shape and size cause bmi has down falls but this is the measure my docs use, im if i look through my real world glasses slim but ofcourse i see a fat heff

anyways when i get to my goal weight i always realise im not happy still (magic goal weight = eternal happiness in my mind) and i know i cant go lower witout ending up in hospital so i start to eat bigger meals and gain the weight back as punishment for still not being 'happy'. its a viscous cycle gain weight unhappy, losing weight happy, at goal weight sad, gain weight unhappy, lose weight happy - u see the pattern.

im screwing my body to the max - i already have years of work ahead of me if i want to repair the damage i have done to my insides

any advice on breaking this cycle - why cant i reach my goal weight and just not attach my 'happiness" to it. weight should = health, not =happiness

BTW my p-doc is great, but he always get pissed when we talk bout my ED cause he feels i should be able to control this better like my bipolar is not in my control but this is, kinda shits me

thx for any advice ;)

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Hey!!

I know what you saying, I used to vomit up apples and salad. I would rather not eat but if i put anything in, i'd feel guilty and vomit. I was at boarding school and nobody really could make me eat so it was fine most of the time. Mainly would be bulimic at home when i couldn't get out of eating. Wasn't a big binger, unless I was bored at home, I'd end up eating more then I'd want to.

They said I was a purging aneretic.

I took over twenty laxitives a day just incase! ;)

Not bright, just walked around in pain with a hot water bottle, hurt my tummy really bad, took two years to go away.

So do think their many sub headings with regard to eating disorders

Did the specialist say what was wrong with your gastrointestinal track?

I think its good to keep your BMI above 19, and think that your BMI is a resonible indication of your weight, there are many other factors of course that come into play, frame size, mucle mass, fat mass, water, age or sex! But that is why I think they have quite a range, 20-25 to be healthy.

Do youu have anyone else to talk about your eating with?I know if i don't talk it out every known and again, I pretend its not there! Need somebody to tell me I'm not acting all that normal!

Have you thought of not weighing yourself?

As you say your weight should not determine your happiness. Need to find another weigh to measure your happiness!! I personly don't weigh myself as its just a number that should not dictate how i feel!

I know people have different opinions too this, but it does tend to stop you obsessing you so much. They recommend weighing yourself every two weeks.

I've done a bit of damage too, and go to the dietician every known and again - even tho i basically am one, but i get them to blind weigh me so they check if my weights ok and I don't have to see it!

With the bulimia, it can be a good idea to make sure you see somebody after/with while eating. So you can't vomit and get used to the feeling of have some food in your tum.

Quite a while back i had a guy friend who's girlfriend was bulimic, so they made a deal that every day after dinner she would phone him and talk, about happy things though! To help her change. Thought it was a nice idea, but got to work at it and not lie!! Person to person, i think would be better.

Do you have any hobbies or passions you can do. Just to shift your mind away from your body and weight. Thinking about it too much can often make it worse, if you happy and spending time with other people it can become not as important as before. Balance I think is what people with ED often lack!

Let your hair down, take up a hobbie and spend time with friends!

Take care of yourself, listen to your body and it might take time but it will mend itself, just take one day at a time.

Lots of love!!!

Ashdene

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Not bright, just walked around in pain with a hot water bottle, hurt my tummy really bad, took two years to go away.

omg i do that constantly - i mean like the only time i'm without my magic bag is when i'm asleep.

my skin is actually discoloured on the areas where i've held it there too often for too long - dermatologist told me i had actually "cooked" my skin, and that it takes YEARS to fade (if you quit doing it). he said he sees it more frequently now, always people who use them to treat pain on a regular basis.

i've never met anyone else addicted to their hot water bottle or magic bag before ;)

not that it's funny. it's not the worst damage in the world, it's just ugly. and it's a weird freakin habit to people who don't use these things!

how you doing today, Iona?

-lysergia

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Thx 4 the replies and advice

i tried to not weigh myself before my mum actually took the scales off me for around 7months and hid them but as soon as i got them back like a week or two later i was back at it. now i sometimes i still go and put the scales under my bed on the side my SO sleeps on if i think i am going to weight myself in morning - i cant sneak them out while he is sleeping.

i know i need to talk bout it, work it out, i just find ED a really emotional complicated part of me, its so deep seated, for some reason although bipolar and bpd were hard to do deal wit as well, i seem to make more progress wit them and can remain more 'stable' - maybe this is cause lithium is a life saver for me. but as yet no magic pill or wonderful words of wisdom from therapy have really made a major impact.

i have made a promise to myself that tomorrow i will make the changes i need to do to start to work on this. i know some people say tomorrow over and over again, im not like that - i am a structure and routine person i need timelines and goals, i need a clear start - i figure my head/thoughts/emotions are such a swirling random mess i need as much structure as possible in life to and in making changes like this.

any ideas on what could be the most important areas to address first? i need some small goals, and i know when i see my p-doc if i go to him wit goals i think will work he will help me more then if i just sit in complain.

oh and to answer your question the gastro dr told me i have done extensive damage to the lining of nearly all my stomach unfortunatly there is not a lot they can do other then pain relief/prevention stuff as it is something that can/will heal naturally if i stop making myself sick - if i dont i will end up in some serious trouble.

thx again for any advice & i will remember not to hold water bottle on to hot or to long ;)

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Thx 4 the replies and advice

glad to see you this morning :(

i tried to not weigh myself before my mum actually took the scales off me for around 7months and hid them but as soon as i got them back like a week or two later i was back at it. now i sometimes i still go and put the scales under my bed on the side my SO sleeps on if i think i am going to weight myself in morning - i cant sneak them out while he is sleeping.

yeah, that's why i can't let myself own scales no matter how badly i want them (and i have come so close so many times lately). i'm glad you know yourself well enough to hide them where you can't get at them sometimes. it's a step - part of that structure you need, i think - perhaps a goal that you could get rid of those awful scales for good, eventually. maybe it doesn't work for you that way... i dunno. for me, it's kinda like being alcoholic in that some people can keep a bottle of wine in the house and not touch it because they're in recovery - and some people just can't have it around, forever, because the compulsion is that strong and never goes away when it's in front of you.

i know i need to talk bout it, work it out, i just find ED a really emotional complicated part of me, its so deep seated, for some reason although bipolar and bpd were hard to do deal wit as well, i seem to make more progress wit them and can remain more 'stable' - maybe this is cause lithium is a life saver for me. but as yet no magic pill or wonderful words of wisdom from therapy have really made a major impact.

as much as being MDD/BP2 (depending on who you ask, heh) is a crippling illness that affects every part of my life.... it is somehow easier to face, to at least TRY to deal with, when compared to the ED issues. i so hear you there. maybe you're right that it is the meds, cause i need 'em too, and without them i couldn't even be here talking about this. and like you, there's been no pill for this.

however, i am starting to find that even though the "magic words of wisdom" i thought i needed don't exist.... they come in little pieces, from different places, and start to collect as issues that i can separate and deal with one at a time - there's that structure again! i think that part takes longer than anything, though, kinda like there weren't any automatic words of wisdom that made battling bp&bpd crucial to your recovery in that department, i bet (i sure never found any). but again there's a whole bunch of different revelations (big and small) that come along that help make things more bearable.

i have made a promise to myself that tomorrow i will make the changes i need to do to start to work on this. i know some people say tomorrow over and over again, im not like that - i am a structure and routine person i need timelines and goals, i need a clear start - i figure my head/thoughts/emotions are such a swirling random mess i need as much structure as possible in life to and in making changes like this.

needing that stucture is going to be a big asset for you, i think. a lot of what we lack while we're engulfed in EDs is the lack of structure around eating (imo anyway). we eat only when we feel we HAVE to, when either the illness tells us "eat until you can't anymore", or "get rid of what's in there" or "not until somebody notices you're not eating" (whatever your particular monster is)- it's not a routine, structured kinda eating like it is for normal people. i find re-integrating that routine extremely difficult - but there's a part of me that resists structure, too, instead of needing it. i'm the type that resents it, heh, although i know i have to as part of keeping the depression monster at bay.

you know what i think step one is for you (and it's because it was step one for me hehe)?

coming clean, brutally honest, to someone, or here, or another place you're comfortable sharing (and people are going to get it, not make you feel less understood). you've just done it :( so you've already started - YAY! (and boy that yay is NOT superfluous!).

sometimes it's the hardest thing in the world for me to do - tell someone what i'm doing. EDs are so silent, they want to be so carefully hidden, buried, inaccessible even to yourself. and i feel so ashamed when i AM honest - because i believe i'll probably do it all again tomorrow. but it's like therapy that way, i guess... you can't get anywhere until your shrink knows what's really in your head vs. what you WANT to tell them :))

but until i could come clean (and i started here, and i've never been sorry fwiw) - i could keep denying and let that ana monster stay firmly in control of slowly killing me. or i could be honest about what i'm actually doing, and hope/pray that somehow that part of me that's still intelligent will say "look at this shit... what the hell am i doing?". and i'm hoping that every day, i'll think that idea more and more every time i look at an honest post from me. i'm hoping that every day that i can be honest and own up to what i do, i can feel more and more objectivity about it, and step outside the monster long enough to say "that is an uttlerly ridiculous thing to do" - and not do it. at least for that day. and then more days after that. that's my hope.

any ideas on what could be the most important areas to address first? i need some small goals, and i know when i see my p-doc if i go to him wit goals i think will work he will help me more then if i just sit in complain.

good idea about having a little of this lined up, knowing at least some of what you want to accomplish, before you go in there... especially if it's the first time you're talking about it with him. i've had a lot of docs say a of of stupid things (such as i have no problem because my BMI is not threatening enough, or that i have no problem because i look great *groan*). i'm sure your pdoc isn't that kinda idiot... but if it does happen that he is (maddengly) uneducated, you're far more likely to enlist his help if you know what you want. and we can all use all the help we can get! there's no such thing as too much help, in my opinion :(

oh and to answer your question the gastro dr told me i have done extensive damage to the lining of nearly all my stomach unfortunatly there is not a lot they can do other then pain relief/prevention stuff as it is something that can/will heal naturally if i stop making myself sick - if i dont i will end up in some serious trouble.

i know where you're at. i've done it too. and it means i have to STOP, or else not only will this pain ever go away, it'll get worse and worse until eating is impossible (dumb lysergia! see, this is one of those things i can re-read and say "wtf was i thinking?" someday ^_^ )

i'm sorry that's where you are, too :P

and you have to stop too. and i know it isn't as easy as normal people think it is. but i think all of us here on this forum can do it. together. staying accountable. not lying when we've taken a few steps backwards. sharing what we did get right and getting a feeling of some of that joy when one of us actually feels GOOD for doing it right (instead of that feeling you've fucked up because you didn't listen to the monster today). time and dedication and being around people who don't want you to be sick, and understand what that sickness is.

thx again for any advice & i will remember not to hold water bottle on to hot or to long ;)

hehe yeah i hope you learned from THAT one :)

it's a weird one i think, that's for sure!

keep comin' round, Iona.

-lysergia

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Thanks for your thoughts lysergia - much appreciated

Umm im doing ok - kinda frustrated atm 2 b honest

I feel my ED is gettin out of control

To all these people especially at my work who thought when i lost weight last year something was wrong and was flat out asked by my boss 'r u eating', now these assholes think i am getting beta cause they fired my workmate who has anna.

Little do they know last year was best year in 10yrs wit my ED and keeping it in control, my hospital stay in June was a real benefit to me. And now the weight gain they may see is positive is actually cause i am eating more then i need to and throwing up daily leading to bloating, horrible dark eyes and red spots etc etc. Im so angry and i know i shouldnt care what other people say and think - but i just feel judged - and cause i saw what they did to my mate wit anna - i know what they are like, this is not just a paranoia

My doc wants me out of this place but reality is i have to grin and bear it a little longer til i can be transfered

I was so good today, i had planned to go to a gym class at 8.30 but i woke up and my pup was real sick and had to get rushed to vet (stressful) so i missed gym but ate healthy to compensate, then it got to dinner time and i needed milk - the little shop had no milk so what did i do i got 2 bags of candy, a big bag of chips, a little chocolate, bottle of soda and an icecream WTF and i dont need to tell u what i did afta i consumed this pile of junk. i cant believe i am eating that much its crazy

I am most likely rambling cause i feel real out of control, i had it down pack for about 8months last year and then i dont know why i just decided to sabotage myself and put weight on

I feel so horrible, i feel i am letting myself down i know i deserve better then this, i know if i could give this up i could have a beautiful body the only thing that makes my body ugly is what i do to it

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