Jump to content
CrazyBoards.org

Why is it so hard? it's always on my mind. UGH.


Recommended Posts

They're all in my past [however, i still smoke from time to time]

I'm a different person now, I live in a new city, with a boyfriend who does't do/never done any drugs,

And yet no matter how long i stay away from it, i always want it.

I wanna be rollin', loving everything and everyone around me, being able to spill my feelings, forget about all the bad shit, focus on everything thats wonderful.

why can't everyday life just be enough for me?

why do i need things i can't/shouldn't have?

My anxiety is worse than ever,

I'm always irritable, i get pissed over the simplest things, which of course makes me want all those bad things more.

seriously, i just want to be fucking happy.

not bi-polar,

not anxious,

not depressed.

I want to have a baby, i want to keep my boy, i dont want to fuck everything up all the time.

why do i have to be fucking crazy? why me?

i fucking hate myself, unless i'm on mind altering drugs?

I understand i should have therapist and all that,

but i can't spill my soul for anyone.

I'm terrified of opening myself up completely.

i'm terrified that no one will understand.

I don't know how to trust.

I need help. but i dont know how to get it. and i dont know if i can be helped.

sometimes i just want to fucking end my life, ya know. just make everything dissapear.

I dont deserve to be truely happy, and i dont know if i can be. =[

Do you have to be doing currently doing something to be an addict?

even if you haven't done it in about a year?

am i an addict?

i swear, if someone stuck something in my face, i would do it in a millisecond.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Do you have to be doing currently doing something to be an addict?

even if you haven't done it in about a year?

am i an addict?

i swear, if someone stuck something in my face, i would do it in a millisecond.

I think your last statement answers the question. It's pretty much in the nature of addiction that you cannot just walk away and not look back. It's not a "habit" but an opportunistic illness ready to strike given half a chance.

As far as learning how to trust others enough to go through with therapy... I don't know. I guess it would have to be like everything else with mental illness - just pick a doctor and go, take it one day at a time from there until you know what works for you (and a lot that doesn't)

Anyone got better ideas?

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 month later...

i feel much of the same frustration as you do, no matter how good i feel, which isnt too often, i still want something to make me feel GREAT, i will always want something, and i dont really care what it is. after two years i thought the cravings would pretty much go away but they havent (although prozac has helped a great deal with cravings). i managed to kick the habit without rehab, but only because i knew i couldnt open up about my probems either. i went to meetings but could never talk about it or admit that i was "powerless" and all that, though i know that i am. having gone through all this only makes me feel like more of a loser, a failure, a total screw-up. and there is always that part of me that says that i can start using again, that i will be able to keep it under contol, that i can be a responsible user, because im a fairly responsible person. that seems to be the worst part, because the person i am now is not the person i am when im using. i still havent figured it out really, but i try to recognize the progress ive made in my life over the past two years, compared to the utter mess that my life had become after years of using. i hope to never be like that again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...