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it was coming


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;):) :)

ok so its been building up, i have talked to many people - here, my limited amount of friends, my partner, my parents even my doc and tonite i just had enough

i have not stopped comfort eating since jan sarted and given its nearly march, its starting to show and i feel super uncomfortable in my own skin now :-( so i have obviously entered attack mood - attack myself, my mind with negative thoughts and emotions and attack my body through overeating and SI. wont go into details rite now of what i did guess it aint to relevant, point is i have done it again afta more then 3months break - bummer :-(

i hate this self loathing, i hate this empty feeling that nothing i ever do is good enough and i hate this illness i hate that it allows me to see that my mind thinking is not rational but hasn't as yet allowed me the power to overcome those thoughts and desires - arghhhh - what was worse SI when i thought it was a viable solution to my problems or SI now i know its just an old shitty coping mechanism - either way i still feel screwed.

vented - thanks - off to docs tomorrow - any words would be appreciated - i feel so 'nothing' rite now

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You know what?

This time around, you used all the coping mechanisms you had, you talked to people, you tried hard in a way you never would have done before. It's brave and scary to do so. Yes you self harmed, but before and after, you knew that it wasn't what you wanted for your life.

So actually, despite this setback, overall, you have grown and progressed, even in the midst of all this crappy, shitty pain. You are doing the best you can, I know that about you. Good for you going to the docs, I hope they can think up a way to keep you safe, treat any wounds, and perhaps review your med situation.

*hug* Stay safe and feel welcome to post back.

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