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I'm off sick from work this week because my depression is really intense just now and I'm totally exhausted.

I told my flatmates, and one of them said "you don't look ill..."

That hurts so much.

And it's brought up a whole heap of pain connected with my father [it's a long story, but I don't suppose anyone's interested] And I'm hurting so much. I feel like I must be the worst person alive right now, to want to be seen, loved, understood. Things that aren't going to happen. Because I'm not important.

I messed things up in therapy today because I am so upset. It just happened so fast and I lost myself.

Dying seems a very attractive option right now. I feel desperate and feel I can't reach anyone. I even pushed away my therapist today. I do see her tomorrow, but I have no idea how to 'mend' things.

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First off. forget about the dieing. Secondly people care about you, I do and many others here will also. Your flatmate is blind. Anyone who is depressed shows it in the eyes, a professional will see it strait away. As for the disaster, tomorrows another day. With help from CB you will do better tomorrow. Don't worry about your therapist I'm sure she handles those problems everyday and will understand and be able to help you out of the pits. Just don't think about that death thing, you're scaring me!!! If it gets bad go to an emergency room or get a good friend if possible.

Post again and talk about your father if you want to. We are interested. That's why we're here.

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I'm off sick from work this week because my depression is really intense just now and I'm totally exhausted.

I told my flatmates, and one of them said "you don't look ill..."

That's what happens when you forget to turn on the blinking neon "See Me? I'm SICK!!!!" sign over your head.

Important people don't look ill - maybe you're more important than you feel.

I messed things up in therapy today because I am so upset. It just happened so fast and I lost myself.

Dying seems a very attractive option right now. I feel desperate and feel I can't reach anyone. I even pushed away my therapist today. I do see her tomorrow, but I have no idea how to 'mend' things.

You go in, and just say something on the order of "I apologize for overreacting yesterday. I hope you can forgive

what I may have said or done that was inappropriate." Then just let it drop unless she wants to go further into it

as part of your treatment (or maybe her own?)

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what Null said. "i apologize for how i acted". everyone, sane or crazy, acts inappropriately at times. as long as it isn't part of a long pattern of misbehavior, i think your therapist will be quite accepting. after all, she's agreed to see you tomorrow. i'm really sorry you're this down. you're missed around here....yes, i remember you from before. ;)

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And I'm hurting so much. I feel like I must be the worst person alive right now, to want to be seen, loved, understood. Things that aren't going to happen. Because I'm not important.

I messed things up in therapy today because I am so upset. It just happened so fast and I lost myself.

This is the depression talking! FOR SURE.

There is no way you can mess up therapy. It's an experiment in progress and it gets messy sometimes.

I've always thought it is interesting the way our minds can convince us we are the most horrible thing on the planet and we deserve nothing, because that is totally not true.

It is my hope...that you can remember this is temporary and that this pain will pass. Please hang on.

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Hi nestling-

I'm so sorry this is such a bad time. I hope it will be helpful to be back here. I've thought of you and wondered how you were doing. I missed you and your always kind and sensitive words.

I'm glad to see you back- I only wish the circumstances were better.

mrs l

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Thanks everyone. Therapy was rocky to start with, but we worked it through and it ended up ok. To my great relief.

Mind you I am very in touch with a 5 year old me, and aware of a whole heap of abusive internalisations [blame my father and the gang of bullies for that one..]that I find incredibly hard to shake off.

I got home and lay down and practically slept for 20 minutes. It was very soothing.

The story with my father was that I always got everything wrong. I was threatened with being sent away. But I was told 'there's nothing wrong with you' when I had a physical problem, and when I displayed any intense emotion and need it was 'there must be something wrong with you'. My real distress was unseen. I basically was invisible.

Little me wants flatmate to be her daddy. The daddy she never had. He isn't.

That hurts.

And it's hard to accept. Even though it should be obvious.

Then this afternoon I went to see my GP. I waited in the waiting room for my GP appointment. I really don't like the waiting room. It's L shaped, and about the size of my old studio flat kitchen. [not very big] There's no privacy, and if there're several other people in there I panic. That happened today. So I moved to sit on the stairs that lead up to the staffroom, as I have done a number of times. Another dr came down and asked if I would move. I explained why I was sitting there and she left it. When I saw my dr however, she pointed out that I shouldn't do that for health and safety reasons. I feel so ashamed. Punished. My GP said we'd talk about it next time. [when I'm feeling less vulnerable.] When I'm feeling so raw, I can't bear anyone I don't know looking at me, and my moving is to stop me freaking out and having an outburst and getting myself into more trouble than with health and safety. Health and safety for PTSD and extreme social anxiety doesn't fit in, it seems. I mean, I know I understand it. But.

I just want to curl up and hide under a blanket and cry.

And have someone hold me and comfort me, but that isn't going to happen.

I feel so vulnerable, and the sadness soaks to my very soul.

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Grrrrr. ;) Your Dr's make me really angry. It should be obvious to anyone that what you need right now is a little bit X a lot of compassion and a hug ,lots of them These dr's or should that be Dicks are saying "get out of the way your emotional problems are trivial we have more important things to attend to like cuts and scratches. In fact you should be treated as an emergency! Emotional pain is the worst type! If you saw someone in pain you would give them a pain killer. By not taking notice of you and taking you to a comfortable room and offering refreshment they are neglecting their duty of care. Possibly the situation occurs more because of their incompetence making them only able to cope with minor cuts and scratches. I'm sure a real Dr would show more concern. There are people who really care about you and would be glad to be your dad and cuddle you and tell you everything will be alright. I hope you can find one soon, but just beware of the wolf done up as Goldilocks. There are also the ones that prey on the vulnerable. In Oz we have phone help for those in your situation, where you could just talk if you wanted or they could direct you to a compassionate organisation that would take you under their wing and be your father. Our main one for depression is 'beyond blue'. Don't worry about the criticism, it seems to be common that the ones closest to us are the ones that will criticise the most. I just let it roll off, like water of a duck.

:) This is the nearest I can get for a cyber hug.

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she pointed out that I shouldn't do that for health and safety reasons

sweetheart, it's not your doc's reg's, it's the regs from the govt....you know, dept of health and safety, that gets in everyone's nose and makes all kinds of rules. it's not your doc being an ogre, it's the govt.

i think your gp showed good judgement by saying 'we'll discuss it when you aren't so raw' instead of making you talk about it right then and there.

i hope your little one gets some comfort.

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"I feel like I must be the worst person alive right now, to want to be seen, loved, understood. Things that aren't going to happen. Because I'm not important."

Nestling, I'm afraid you are very far from the big leagues of being a bad person. I'm willing to venture that, for instance, you've never even committed one atrocity. In fact, I would venture to guess that you are one of the good people, most likely. (Pardon my memory, it's lousy. I know I've read your stuff here in the past.)

Since you are very depressed, you're not capable of making a realistic prediction. As you've probably heard before, depression is like having shit colored glasses welded to your head. So please be skeptical of this kind of pessimism until you can get them removed.

I'm sure your doctor didn't mean to make you ashamed. You haven't done anything that's worth feeling like that. Of course, when we're that down we're going to feel that way even when we know better.

Please try to think what someone who really cared about you would do. And then, to the extent that you can, do it for yourself, or get some help, someone to do some of that stuff for you. Keep in mind that they may not know just what to do for quite some time.*

I wish I could say something more helpful here. Sometimes my s.o. is in a place like the one you're in now. I try to help her, and I guess it does help to be with her and be nice to her, and to be patient, but I wish I could just banish her blues more directly. Still, with time it's less and less of a problem. I hope you'll be moving in that direction too.

*My s.o. has a touch of PTSD, and I like to horse around, but I've had to learn that waving my hands in front of her face and stuff like that are NOT the right things to do. I think it took me some weeks or maybe even months to really adapt to that.

Thanks everyone. Therapy was rocky to start with, but we worked it through and it ended up ok. To my great relief.

Mind you I am very in touch with a 5 year old me, and aware of a whole heap of abusive internalisations [blame my father and the gang of bullies for that one..]that I find incredibly hard to shake off.

I got home and lay down and practically slept for 20 minutes. It was very soothing.

The story with my father was that I always got everything wrong. I was threatened with being sent away. But I was told 'there's nothing wrong with you' when I had a physical problem, and when I displayed any intense emotion and need it was 'there must be something wrong with you'. My real distress was unseen. I basically was invisible.

Little me wants flatmate to be her daddy. The daddy she never had. He isn't.

That hurts.

And it's hard to accept. Even though it should be obvious.

Then this afternoon I went to see my GP. I waited in the waiting room for my GP appointment. I really don't like the waiting room. It's L shaped, and about the size of my old studio flat kitchen. [not very big] There's no privacy, and if there're several other people in there I panic. That happened today. So I moved to sit on the stairs that lead up to the staffroom, as I have done a number of times. Another dr came down and asked if I would move. I explained why I was sitting there and she left it. When I saw my dr however, she pointed out that I shouldn't do that for health and safety reasons. I feel so ashamed. Punished. My GP said we'd talk about it next time. [when I'm feeling less vulnerable.] When I'm feeling so raw, I can't bear anyone I don't know looking at me, and my moving is to stop me freaking out and having an outburst and getting myself into more trouble than with health and safety. Health and safety for PTSD and extreme social anxiety doesn't fit in, it seems. I mean, I know I understand it. But.

I just want to curl up and hide under a blanket and cry.

And have someone hold me and comfort me, but that isn't going to happen.

I feel so vulnerable, and the sadness soaks to my very soul.

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Thanks everyone. I'm a lot more 'here' now. I've surfaced a bit.

And my flatmate seems to be making amends - even though he's not said anything explicitly. And my other flatmate [his wife] really understands I'm feeling fragile right now.

The next visit to the GP - is not for another 2 weeks. I'll figure out something by then. I hope. Tips welcome.

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Thanks everyone. I'm a lot more 'here' now. I've surfaced a bit.

And my flatmate seems to be making amends - even though he's not said anything explicitly. And my other flatmate [his wife] really understands I'm feeling fragile right now.

The next visit to the GP - is not for another 2 weeks. I'll figure out something by then. I hope. Tips welcome.

(((Nestling)))

Do you have a support system in place to help you in times of crisis? I know that waiting two weeks to see someone is going to be a difficult struggle for you so it'd really be beneficial to you if you had someone to turn to when you couldn't reach your pdoc or tdoc in times of crisis.

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I see my psychotherapist 3 times a week. ;)

Three times a week? I only see my tdoc once a week.

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Ok, I know I am new here, but your posts really tugged at my heart so I just wanted to say hi and let you know that I have a bit of an idea of what you are going through. I have been going through some similar things lately. I hope today was a better day for you. (((nestling)))

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