lysergia Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 well it's been a little while since i've been taking 175mg of lamotrigine per day. my body is now effexor-free and withdrawal is finished (yay). still holding on to my wellbutrin, but i've never had a complaint about that one (miraculously). clonazepam is still an important part of my life right now but that's always come and gone when i need it. i've been majorly depressed and on one wrong med after another for more than ten years. for years i begged to try mood stabilizers because nothing was ever getting me out of that black hole consistently. nobody wanted to give them to me because i don't quite fit properly within the borders of bipolarity (apparently i cycle too often?). eventually they got so sick of me insisting that i would not try one more SNRI/SSRI, that they let me try a mood stabilizer (ANY one of them would have satisfied me)... considering nothing else was working i guess they figured it wouldn't hurt. i don't want to jinx myself, but since the lamotrigine has settled in, i have felt more stable mood-wise for than i have for YEARS. i mean i can't remember when was the last time i think my emotions were in direct proportion to the situation at hand constantly, for days and days at a time. my emotions aren't always pretty, nor productive, but they're normal-sized, and don't seem so heavy after a few minutes/hours of crying (which i also could barely do on all those other drugs), or yelling (because sometimes that is appropriate, too). there's no monster in my head telling me how much i suck anymore. nobody telling me there's no point in trying. nobody telling me it's always going to be shit no matter what i do. i can see my issues (numerous as they are) like a normal person would - scary and difficult - but not necessarily impossible and not beyond my control. all those years i thought that monster was me, that it was how i really felt. it really was a disease. i never really completely believed that (neither did the shrinks for that matter). i get to start talk therapy again next week, and this time i can go in there and actually be able to articulate myself and truly hear someone else (even if i get fed more b.s. heh). i can go in there not desperate - in need, no doubt about that, but not desperate to be saved from myself. if i'm not understood and i don't feel supported i can move on. i'll be pissed for damned sure, but it won't drive me under the covers for a week. nothing does anymore. and boy life is trying hard to send me back there lately, too i had really given up on the idea that i could live without that monster, it would just never be me, and i might as well get used to it/work around it. i was wrong. i don't want to brag and say hah hah i'm doing better now. i just remember that when i read stories here about people actually finding the right med/cocktail, and how it changed their lives completely, i felt hopeful for a moment. i hope someone who's had similar battles might take a little hope from this too. this effectiveness might not last forever, i know that - but at least now i know that entire way of thinking was really NOT me. it wasn't my fault and it wouldn't have responded to any therapy in the world no matter how i tried - not without being able to take control of my own thoughts back (messed up as they may naturally be ). it wasn't connected to past trauma or being multiple or being lazy or navel-gazing.... there was something wrong with me physically. okay i can hear some of y'all saying "duh" out there. shut up. i'm slow sometimes alright? anyway i hope this helped someone. i'm just glad to be able to say something good once in awhile, especially during a time of year that has always made me get-thee-to-the-ER crazy in the past *knock on wood*. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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