lysergia Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 well it's been a little while since i've been taking 175mg of lamotrigine per day. my body is now effexor-free and withdrawal is finished (yay). still holding on to my wellbutrin, but i've never had a complaint about that one (miraculously). clonazepam is still an important part of my life right now but that's always come and gone when i need it. i've been majorly depressed and on one wrong med after another for more than ten years. for years i begged to try mood stabilizers because nothing was ever getting me out of that black hole consistently. nobody wanted to give them to me because i don't quite fit properly within the borders of bipolarity (apparently i cycle too often?). eventually they got so sick of me insisting that i would not try one more SNRI/SSRI, that they let me try a mood stabilizer (ANY one of them would have satisfied me)... considering nothing else was working i guess they figured it wouldn't hurt. i don't want to jinx myself, but since the lamotrigine has settled in, i have felt more stable mood-wise for than i have for YEARS. i mean i can't remember when was the last time i think my emotions were in direct proportion to the situation at hand constantly, for days and days at a time. my emotions aren't always pretty, nor productive, but they're normal-sized, and don't seem so heavy after a few minutes/hours of crying (which i also could barely do on all those other drugs), or yelling (because sometimes that is appropriate, too). there's no monster in my head telling me how much i suck anymore. nobody telling me there's no point in trying. nobody telling me it's always going to be shit no matter what i do. i can see my issues (numerous as they are) like a normal person would - scary and difficult - but not necessarily impossible and not beyond my control. all those years i thought that monster was me, that it was how i really felt. it really was a disease. i never really completely believed that (neither did the shrinks for that matter). i get to start talk therapy again next week, and this time i can go in there and actually be able to articulate myself and truly hear someone else (even if i get fed more b.s. heh). i can go in there not desperate - in need, no doubt about that, but not desperate to be saved from myself. if i'm not understood and i don't feel supported i can move on. i'll be pissed for damned sure, but it won't drive me under the covers for a week. nothing does anymore. and boy life is trying hard to send me back there lately, too i had really given up on the idea that i could live without that monster, it would just never be me, and i might as well get used to it/work around it. i was wrong. i don't want to brag and say hah hah i'm doing better now. i just remember that when i read stories here about people actually finding the right med/cocktail, and how it changed their lives completely, i felt hopeful for a moment. i hope someone who's had similar battles might take a little hope from this too. this effectiveness might not last forever, i know that - but at least now i know that entire way of thinking was really NOT me. it wasn't my fault and it wouldn't have responded to any therapy in the world no matter how i tried - not without being able to take control of my own thoughts back (messed up as they may naturally be ). it wasn't connected to past trauma or being multiple or being lazy or navel-gazing.... there was something wrong with me physically. okay i can hear some of y'all saying "duh" out there. shut up. i'm slow sometimes alright? anyway i hope this helped someone. i'm just glad to be able to say something good once in awhile, especially during a time of year that has always made me get-thee-to-the-ER crazy in the past *knock on wood*. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
resonance Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Yay for lamotrigine! It's been really helpful for me too in terms of handling depression. I've also had the "holy fuck, I'm totally different without this!" experience. People sometimes paint psych meds negatively because they "change your personality", but you know, I'm okay with having a personality that I can live in more comfortably. Even if it's not always there...the experience of being mentally healthy makes it a hell of a lot easier for me to recognize my mood swings. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
meg Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 all those years i thought that monster was me, that it was how i really felt. it really was a disease. i never really completely believed that (neither did the shrinks for that matter). I know exactly what you mean -- thank you, lamictal -- it was back in december that I first experienced being 'free'...and I realized that I must have been depressed since elementary school. not when I was 17, or 13, but like, age 7 it must have started creeping up. I didn't know it because I didn't know the difference! it was such an overwhelming thing to realize what it feels like to just be -without all of that weight and pain and despair sitting in my chest. to just exist without it for the first time. I can't say that I've been floating around on a cloud since, and I still certainly have plenty of other mental health issues to figure out-- but I can't even express how much better I feel having some sort of *proof* that it is a real thing, a real, physical, chemical, illness, disease, whatever-- and that is such a relief. okay i can hear some of y'all saying "duh" out there. shut up. i'm slow sometimes alright? well-- you can say it to me if I can say it to you..ready, one, two, three: DUHHH! Even if it's not always there...the experience of being mentally healthy makes it a hell of a lot easier for me to recognize my mood swings. I feel the same way-- if some time things start going downhill again (or up or sideways or diagonal), I have something real to compare it to, and aim for...I finally (almost) have this illusive 'base-line' thing. it's a lot easier to tell the weather up there with a barometer. m Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zsepthenne Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 Hail, hail Lamictal!!! I am happy for all of us who are experiencing some(dare i say it?), normality! For us in our own ways. For now and maybe longer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zenbean Posted March 21, 2008 Share Posted March 21, 2008 lamictal RULES! i miss it so much. i'm really glad it's working for you, and glad you shared your success story. bean Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangergirl Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 it's a lot easier to tell the weather up there with a barometer. Ooooh yeah....I never knew how screwed up I was until I was introduced to Lamictal (Lamitrogine)...so yeah, it was like a big duh moment for me too! The worst part? My sister has been dx'd BP2 since grade school (? high school? forever? it feels like forever)...and I thought we were different...LOL. I'm glad that it's working for you and keeps on kicking...it's a nice feeling, isn't it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mel1 Posted March 22, 2008 Share Posted March 22, 2008 Yay you! And yay for lamictal! It has saved my life and sanity. I'm really glad to hear that you are doing so much better. hugs, melissa Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lysergia Posted March 22, 2008 Author Share Posted March 22, 2008 People sometimes paint psych meds negatively because they "change your personality", but you know, I'm okay with having a personality that I can live in more comfortably. exactly! if that's my personality without drugs, to hell with that thanks everybody for chiming in it's nice to share something good for a change. -rita/lys Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unregistered Posted March 28, 2008 Share Posted March 28, 2008 Yup, you can take my lamictal from my cold, dead hand. And Rainbow Tears (for those that remember her) says she owes her life to it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lysergia Posted March 31, 2008 Author Share Posted March 31, 2008 Yup, you can take my lamictal from my cold, dead hand. And Rainbow Tears (for those that remember her) says she owes her life to it. we remember her yay for finding the right meds! it's actually working well enough that i got a twelve month script for lamotrigine today. i have never, ever had a script for any psych med for more than three months at most, not ever, because i was never mentally healthy enough to go that long without being monitored. now i get to go a whole year!!! (please do not let the gods of irony rain on my parade for saying that either ). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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