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And I shall be called...Maiden

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Hi all I have been lurking for about a week and realized it is time I post. For sake of anonymity ill go by Maiden... I am 34,I have been married for 12 years have 2 beautiful ( yes I am baised) childen a 5 year old biy and 6 month old girl.

The shorter version of why I am here is as follows....

10 years ago on my way to work I had a massive panic attack like to the point of stuttering, deer in headlights I don't remember much but my hubby had to come to work to get me because I terrified the one girl I worked with and couldn't function..I didn't leave my house unless I was gripping the hubbies arm for 2-3 years after that...ER visit to rule out a stroke, outpatient clinic with no insurance meant having drugs tossed at me here and there, I don't remember most of them but one was prozac which did nothing for me at all and Klonopin which did help ..it helped me get to the baby step of letting go of the hubby's arm and if it was a good day being able to walk between two safe people.

We moved and I didn't want to admit I had this problem so I hid it well and was just always with my husband people thought it was because we were just so close when reality was I couldnt function away from a safe zone without him ( or someone else I was comfortable with) little baby steps of pushing my limits brought me to where i am today...on a good day I can walk into a store by myself while he waits in the car IF I am holding my cell phone, even go out back to play with my son ..but if its a bad day I can't even answer my door and my reclusive behaviour sudjects my kids to the same which is so unfair to them

Well fast forward to now my daughter was born ( a total suprise because my son took 5 years of IF treatments and 3 miscarriages , so we never expected a suprise) during the PG suddenly my panic and anxiety got many many times worse to the point of the stuttering again so I called a crisis line and they helped me get some help, I had my daughter and ended up in alot of pain I would wake up and feel 80 years old ..after about 4 months I said to myself "self this can't still be from the birth" so after numerous dr visits and specialists I was dx with Fibromyalgia, I also came to the scary realization my son is about to start school and I am not capable of taking him to and from school ( never learned how to drive and even the thought can get me shaking) so I got myself back into therapy and also finally applied for SSDI because it is impossible to make ends meet on one salary and when my hubby was laid off I had to admit that even when it was a me work or we starve..we would starve I couldn't do it. While in therapy my tdoc saw me at my very common depressed ( even during times when things were going ok and I should have been happy) and then our tax refund came in...and I spent 4 days barely sleeping and spending it all through online shopping ..well I saw her during then and altho i thought I felt great and could conquer the world she told me it was a manic episode and in retrospect I am pretty sure she was right..I get like that about once a month and so she got me in to see a pdoc which was a couple month feat just to find one taking new patients etc. He ( the pdoc) told me I am BPII depression, panic /anxiety and he is slowly building me up on Lamictal he doesnt want to medicate the anxiety as therapy works really well he says and he is hoping once the BP is stabilized maybe the rest will get better.

I also started Elavil and tramadol for the Fibro I am sooo wonky on it but its only been 2 days so in time hopefully ill get used to it all , I had to wean my daughter to start the meds it was awful and so sad but a healthier mommy is whats best for my kids and they really are my life..I know during the worst of the depression if it wasn't for them I wouldnt still be here

I have the worst thoughts go through my head and even worse visions..its not that i see things that aren't there I know they aren't real but I can picture things far too vividly, always could.

I think thats about it for now altho i am sure there is more, just can't think of it offhand

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Hi Maiden-

Welcome. Sounds like you've got some serious challenges in your life. Glad to hear you have a pdoc- do you also have a therapist (tdoc)?

I hope you find it helpful here- there are some really great people with a lot of wisdom to share.

look forward to hearing more,

mrs l

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