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I hurt so bad.


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;) Please forgive the errors. I just can read back through this.

The man I've loved dumped me in one day on the street. No warning. He said that he was doing it for me. Ha.

I rented an apartment and the boys helped me moved all of my boxes onto my covered porch. I asked a friend to come with me to the storage room because I have not been in there in over two years and thought I might like to have someone nearby. I was surprised to find that it did not bother me one bit.

My boys hauled all those boxes and furniture items to my new place. Several trips. They are troopers. My heart just breaks. I realize more and more how I was not present for them for several years at least, maybe even more. Seriously, I disappeared somewhere for a while, I don't know where. But breaks my heart for my boys to have looked into my face and not seen me there. Even my therapist said I was not present for a time.

I didn't think anything about it, I started going through my boxes and it hit me. And hit again. And again and again. It's my life before I lost everything. I was working on a scrapbook for members of my church. All of my boys sports stuff that I onetime loved and later could not attend their games. I barely made to their graduation. All my friends and family photos. Birthdays, holidays. My volunteer stuff. Stuff from a fifteen career, all wiped out. I have one friend left. And my two boys will always be there. Other family members and friends have had opinions about what has been going with me. The range from wanting attention to wanting to collect disability. I hate it that the boys are the ones that knew the real deal. Since they lived me they me go from one very active mom to someone who was in treatment resistant deep pain and could not get off the couch for anything. The saw me go through three hospitalizations in the course of three years. They watched me go through two courses of ECT and two operations for a vagal nerve stimulator. And mountains of pills that did not work, all of this twelve through fourteen. They were my babies and it hard to bear the pain of imagining what they must have felt. Of course, I know their pain was greater.

All of this is hitting me again. I'm so incredibly grateful that the boys and I still have that strong connection. I try to baby them now but, you know, they are now eighteen, in school, and out on the own. I can see though, that they still respect me a great deal. I've always been honest with them and they know to go to for the truth. I am so incredibly lucky to have been able to send them to a safe place, with my former husband. And it appears that no matter what anyone else says, the boys are with me all the way. Some of this pain is just being grateful. I am so incredibly blessed.

God, I just had to put this out here. It's killing me. I hope it's just grief and not depression.

Any comments, insight, or advice is more than welcome.

The pain is killing me,

Sunshine Outside

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Sounds like you're grieving what might have been. Doesn't make it hurt any less, but that's what it sounds like to me. Going through your boxes and seeing what was and what might have been most likely triggered it. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but anything I might say sounds trite to me. I just thought I'd let you know what I think since you asked.

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SO, I agree with Patheral---you're grieving. Just as people grieve for a dead spouse or a friend, you are grieving the loss of the life you used to have. Before you became ill, you were working and raising your boys and just kinda living what a lot of people would call a "normal" life.

It's totally normal to be sad. If you read the books on the grieving process, there's a whole thing you go through---first, shock, and then anger and then something else. I think anyone in your situation would be grief-stricken to be dumped in the street by your significant other, and forced to make your way in the world for the first time in a long time.

So I hereby give you permission to grieve. ;) Aren't you the lucky one?

Seriously, this is a process you have to go through, I imagine. You should discuss it with your tdoc, but it sounds absolutely normal to me.

Then, when the shock of this first grief is over, maybe it would help to sit down and make a list. You know what I'm going to say----make a list of good things that are still in your life.

1) Your sons. You have been a good mother, and they obviously understand that you have been ill and they want to help you. This is great--think of all the people estranged from their children.

2) Your ex-husband, even though he is your ex. He stepped in and gave the boys a safe, loving environment when you were in bad shape. That's something to be grateful for, as you pointed out.

3) You have a roof over your head.

4) You have an income.

5) You are a perceptive, sensitive person. You have many good qualities, and you will make new friends.

6) You have talents and skills. They haven't left you---they've just been hidden a little in the fog caused by MI. You can find them and use them again some day.

7) You have us! Seriously, as you have noticed, your "real life" friends think you're looking for a handout or for attention. How screwed-up is THAT? We know what you're going through, and we'll always be here.

I don't want you to think that I'm minimizing your grief. I hope that it soon turns to anger and you see that guy who tossed you out for the sunuva-you-know-what he really is. To toss a mentally ill person out on the street is unconscionable. I'll come to your town and kick him to the curb if you want.

Your pain is totally understandable. Now you have to start thinking about what you can do to make a NEW kind of life for yourself. The wife-mother-volunteer phase is over. What will Sunshine Outside become now?

olga

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Hi SO:

this week ive seen MI from both places: as daughter and mother. i love my mom and i love my baby. and i think they both love me back. ;)

it sounds like your boys love you. they are being very helpful to you. and even if they dont know what to say (my brothers tend to grunt) at least they are helping you and that is love.

db

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SO, I understand what you mean about loss of living. Sometimes, I will just look at my kids, who are now 5 and 7 and wonder when in the heck they got there. I know i was in a shambles for half their life, off and on. But they love me and i love them. Unconditional love is a very powerful thing and you've got that. just hang on to it and go from there. love, melissa

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;)

What great support I have here! That goes on my list for sure. Right, not many people at all understand. I can't really blame them I guess. "You don't know what you don't know". I'm lucky that I've picked up wireless internet access from somewhere. I hope that is not illegal.

Great insight. I've known that I've been grieving the past life for a long time, but I had not thought of that I'm also grieving what might have been.

I think I'm experiencing both grief and anger regarding the sunava-you-know what. I'm dreaming about him every night

and I miss him terribly. He better not send me a damn birthday card. (which he is know for all of his friends) I can't imagine that it would say anything that would not hurt me at this point. This is mean, but if he does, I'll send it back unopened and very briefly (one sentence) explain why. If he doesn't send one that will be best.

I've been through a divorce and break-ups with several long-term relationships. I'll survive this one too. I have to admit that I am doing better because of this. But, the first two weeks were extremely hard. At the motels, I could barely get out of bed and did not even want to take Precious down to relieve herself. But of course I did. It was extremely painful and harsh. But after a few weeks of getting up and moving around more, I do feel better. And it does feel good to leave the problems with SO behind.

Right, I have a brand new life and I can make it whatever I want it to be. It won't include men for quite sometime. I better not say that. I've said it before and well, you know.....

Good insight. I can love and be loved back even though I have mental illness. Great insight. And love is the greatest gift of all. Thanks for that. Right, even though people don't know what to say, being helpful is the greatest sign of love of all.

My landlord has gone way above what's required and that has helped me a lot. (no romantic interest at all) I believe I was led to this apartment. I almost missed it, it was the first place I looked at, has all of my requirements (and more) and I absolutely adore it. What greater love than to be guided. That gives me strength in believing all is right.

Right, unconditional love is a powerful thing. I needed to be reminded of that. So is independence.

I can't tell you how much this thread has made me feel better. Once again, as so many times before, thanks for your support.

Love,

Sunshine Outside

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