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I just want to feel.


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I did a search for this and didn't really find anything. So here I bring it up.

When I was a teenager, I dripped hot was on myself. I wore my hair too tight. I exercised until I felt like someone had worked me over with brass knuckles. I joined the rugby team. I bit my lip, my hand, my arm. I caused several soft tissue injuries due to over-exercise.

All in pursuit of sensation, of pain. Just that thing that makes me feel like I really am me, like I really am alive.

So after ten years of skirting the outskirts of the communities, I went to a local BDSM munch. I went to my first play party two months later and did a scene with an older gentleman.

I don't think I've ever felt so alive. It wasn't sexual (not with all the meds I'm on and definitely not with the gentleman in question). It was like the rest of my life was spent hovering vaguely in the outline of my body and that just brought me snapping back to it. I was in my skin.

I've since found a regular top. And after a scene, I feel real until the bruises heal. It can even last a while after, on the memory.

I consider this a viable alternative for myself because now I can do exercise without the underlying need to make it hurt. I can do it reasonably, for my health and for fun. It's also in control of someone else, who won't let you cause permanent damage. Preferably with someone who has experience in causing pain without damage.

I admit that I'm extremely new to the lifestyle. Some of the things I've heard mentioned outright terrify me. Others terrify and fascinate me. I think that's part of the appeal. My mom and friends (who aren't involved themselves) mostly look at me like I'm nuts, but they don't raise a major stink about it. My therapist didn't even act all that alarmed when I told her about it.

I know it's not a solution, but for now it helps.

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I did a search for this and didn't really find anything. So here I bring it up.

When I was a teenager, I dripped hot was on myself. I wore my hair too tight. I exercised until I felt like someone had worked me over with brass knuckles. I joined the rugby team. I bit my lip, my hand, my arm. I caused several soft tissue injuries due to over-exercise.

All in pursuit of sensation, of pain. Just that thing that makes me feel like I really am me, like I really am alive.

So after ten years of skirting the outskirts of the communities, I went to a local BDSM munch. I went to my first play party two months later and did a scene with an older gentleman.

I don't think I've ever felt so alive. It wasn't sexual (not with all the meds I'm on and definitely not with the gentleman in question). It was like the rest of my life was spent hovering vaguely in the outline of my body and that just brought me snapping back to it. I was in my skin.

I've since found a regular top. And after a scene, I feel real until the bruises heal. It can even last a while after, on the memory.

I consider this a viable alternative for myself because now I can do exercise without the underlying need to make it hurt. I can do it reasonably, for my health and for fun. It's also in control of someone else, who won't let you cause permanent damage. Preferably with someone who has experience in causing pain without damage.

I admit that I'm extremely new to the lifestyle. Some of the things I've heard mentioned outright terrify me. Others terrify and fascinate me. I think that's part of the appeal. My mom and friends (who aren't involved themselves) mostly look at me like I'm nuts, but they don't raise a major stink about it. My therapist didn't even act all that alarmed when I told her about it.

I know it's not a solution, but for now it helps.

I am going to out myself with this thread, but...

You are not alone. I have been in the lifestyle for quite some time now. The lifestyle, for a lot of people, is a great and safe outlet to explore and channel your energy.

There are a lot of people in the lifestyle who have MI.

I used to be a cutter when I was younger. When I got into BDSM, and got into the receiving end, I stopped SI.

A healthy lifestyle relationship is great for exploring your curiosity.

I am not the best at typing my feelings, so hope I helped a little!

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I don't think that's uncommon. I'm glad that your therapist seems to take it in stride. Does he/she seem willing to talk about it with you? When you're exploring very emotionally intense experiences, sometimes you run into stuff that you need some help with, and it's good to already have that available if you need it. (Ideally someone knowledgeable - and if you need help finding someone with experience, you can probably ask around in your local BDSM community and someone can point you toward one.)

That said, I don't know much about SI and BDSM together (ok, I saw "Secretary" but I don't think that really counts) so I could be talking out my ass.

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hello fellow pervs! i run a BDSM convention, have beenin the lifestyle for YEARS! welcome to the party!

i have always thought that if you can follow the rules of safe, sane and consensual then BDSM *may* be a good outlet for SI. you can have the pain but have boundaries that keep you safe too.

since you're new, i'll just say have fun with the sensation, but be careful when meeting people: there's always a couple of trolls on the make, looking for fresh new faces. some tops can be very manipulative and aren't safe and sane when it comes to emotions. if you feel pressured or disrespected, don't feel obligated to play.

that's my lecture from the Middle Aged Lady In The Corset. i'm so tickled you're enjoying yourself and being SAFE. that's great!

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Just rambling here...

There are people that jump off buildings and do other extreme sports because their brains are wired in such a way that it takes something "Over the top" for them to feel like most people would with mild excitement.

I think the craving for pain is a brain thing...how it is structured...how the chemicals and receptors work together, etc... I wish the main stream wasn't so freaked out about it so it could be seriously studied.

As for me, pain pisses me off. Strike me with something and I would have to kick your ass. Abi on the other hand....LOL.

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