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Wanting to be Alone to Hurt Myself


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I chatted with my mother today. I told her all I want to do is be out of her hair, and to be out on my own. Acquaintances have joined the army, the navy...those could have been a way out on my own.

But, as my mother put it, "You can't anymore. Even if you lied about your stuff, they would just have to look at your arms and they'd know".

Now, the best I can hope for is a part time job, and maybe disability if I'm that bad off years away. Really, the reason I want to go away so badly is so that I can fall apart in peace, away from the family that cares too much, away from the parents, whose anger and disappointment give me the only reasons to keep trying to stay afloat. I can't keep up the facade of embetterment for much longer.

I just want to hurt, and to sink like those doomed ships away from those that want me to float.

"Will you be ok by yourself at the house now?"

"Yes"

"Can I trust you to be by yourself, here with the dogs?"

"Of course!"

I'm not a person. I can't be that person that those people want me to be. I just want peace.

To not have to be a person.

That is all.

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<br />I chatted with my mother today. I told her all I want to do is be out of her hair, and to be out on my own. Acquaintances have joined the army, the navy...those could have been a way out on my own.<br /><br />But, as my mother put it, &quot;You can't anymore. Even if you lied about your stuff, they would just have to look at your arms and they'd know&quot;.<br /><br />Now, the best I can hope for is a part time job, and maybe disability if I'm that bad off years away. Really, the reason I want to go away so badly is so that I can fall apart in peace, away from the family that cares too much, away from the parents, whose anger and disappointment give me the only reasons to keep trying to stay afloat. I can't keep up the facade of embetterment for much longer.<br /><br />I just want to hurt, and to sink like those doomed ships away from those that want me to float. <br /><br />&quot;Will you be ok by yourself at the house now?&quot;<br /><br /><i>&quot;Yes&quot;<br /><br /></i>&quot;Can I trust you to be by yourself, here with the dogs?&quot;<br /><br /><i>&quot;Of course!&quot;<br /><br /></i>I'm not a person. I can't be that person that those people want me to be. I just want peace.<br /><br />To not have to be a person.<br /><br />That is all.<br />
<br /><br /><br />

It is a good thing they love you...you are worthy of it, BUT you will have to take the even more painfulhard working steps of learning who you are and loving yourself and caring for yourself.that is when your can learn to withstand allthe shit and emptiness and have decent boundaries( not needing to please others to please yourself). I still have a very many scars, they have faded. I quit the quick fix by learning why I let thier actions and words shred me up in my own emptiness. I slipped up while learning.....but i finally made it. I am permanently disabled With MI.

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  • 1 month later...

i have struggled with those thoughts my entire life -i wish no one cared so i could destroy myself without affecting others- and so on. this becomes especially strong when i'm fvcked up, but sometimes, when i'm all shiny, or at least "stable" i can realize life would be a bigger pile of shit if no one cared, because i wouldn't have anyone to love and care for. and i think that's the biggest emptiness a human being can have. it's bad when nobody loves you, but it's even worse when you don't have somebody to love.

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