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just wanting to scream


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i just came to this part of the boards even though i never do because i feel like i've been having a two day panic attack with hour long breaks in between every so often and i never have this many in a row enough to make my chest hurt and i never get that and i just needed somewhere to say AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

i just hate it when i have those times where they just.wont.let.up. ;)

maybe this should be in the ptsd forum, i know that's why i'm having them so bad right now, but i don't wanna talk about that i just want to come here and scream and cry about being this fucking anxious i don't think i can stand one more minute and then i do anyway and if i could just remember to fucking breathe right i know this would be better

:) :) ^_^

alright i'm done now thank you please tip your server

- rita having a very bad night

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hey rita,

can't do much but commiserate, I know how much feeling that way sucks, especially for longer periods of time when 'just wait it out' sounds crazy.

but it WILL go away.

it's temporary and it's good that you keep that in mind if you start to get super overwhelmed.

might seem impossible, but always worth a shot-- try distracting yourself a little bit so you aren't so 'in' the midst of it, you know?

any favorite movies? tv shows (dvd sets are the best..shorter time so easier to stay involved. and if you've seen it already then you know you like it and it's familiar), relaxing music and lying on the couch with a warm washcloth over your eyes? plugging up the bathroom (towel at bottom of door, etc.) and sitting in the steam? book? magazine? streamofthought journalling? cleaning (vacuuming is a good one if you need to expend some nervous energy and make some noise)...think about it, k?

hard to get out of, but sitting concentrating and stewing in that feeling will only intensify it.

feel better,

m

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I'm so sorry- I know how absolutely awful it feels.

All I've been doing lately is trying to tell myself to breath, taking prns, and hiding from everyone.

sometimes i put on music i know all the words to so I can sing along ( double duty- singing is distracting, plus you have to breath in order to sing!)

My pdoc reminded me recently of things a behaviorist had taught me a long time ago- like going through your senses- how does this chair feel beneath me (soft, hard), what can I hear ( the whirring of the fan and some noise from outside), what do I see ( there's a painting on the wall- kind of looks like a face, no a hand , is that a wine bottle? The chair I was sitting in was made of this really grainy leather- that was my fave- it was a weird color green, kind of bumpy when i ran my hand on it.

You get the idea- it may sound dumb, but i'll try anything when I'm so freaked out I think I'm going to die any second. the senses thing is probably the easiest of all the choices when you are right in the middle of the worst part. otherwise whatever works for you- i do magazines a lot where I just look at the pictures. I try to keep the tv off ( those pesky special reports only add fuel to my fire) And I've been trying to limit human interaction- as i have found i can calm myself down on my own, but as soon as i have to deal with anything or anyone else- it seems to start right up again.

you may be right on about not wanting to talk about it right now- my tdoc told me she wanted to help me manage all this, but she didn't want to make it worse by making me talk about until i'm ready.

I really hope you start to feel a little better . Please come back and scream and rant and rage over how awful it is. Let us know if you find anything, anything at all that is helpful to you .

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hyperventilate into a paper bag.

Get a small paper bag, lunch bag or 24-ounce beer can sized and put it over your mouth. Inhale and exhale deeply into it until you hyperventilate. The increased C02 levels in your blood does something or another, I forget what but it can help.

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I can certainly sympathize. That's what this place is for though, so scream away. We are here to listen.

I was just given a great assignment from my old pdoc. It's to help with my phobia, but could help for panic attacks too I think. She said to make a list of 5 things I will do instead of freak out about the weather and put it on the fridge. When the weather starts getting bad, I'm not allowed to check the weather channel, I'm just supposed to start working the list. Here's my list:

Put on music and:

1. Bake some biscuits from scratch

2. Knit a square

3. Organize kitchen cabinets

4. Clean litter box

5. Write 2 pages in my journal

So as soon as I start to get nervous, I'm supposed to do #1, if I finish that and am still freaked, do #2 and so on down my list. If I finish the list and it hasn't passed yet, start again at #1. The point is (I think) is to retrain my brain to be proactive and do something besides worry.

It just might help for other anxiety things. Worth a shot. Just thought I'd pass it along.

Hope you feel better soon.

Croix

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you guys are great. y'all really know how to handle this stuff huh (too bad it's from experience!).

meg, thank you for reminding me about the temporary part. it's a silly thing but it gets harder to remember that after awhile :) . the thing about distractions, yes yes, that's what i spend most of my day doing when my brain (or rather my entire central nervous system) won't leave me alone. it's either that or take more than 2mg clonazepam a day and i just won't, i don't know why. and i don't feel like i'm allowed to sit in it while my family is at home.... i can't be this crazy in front of my kid... so instead i run around doing housework. that way i get ignored lest i ask for help :) . at least then they can't see my crazyface or my vibrating.

best distraction = music that i already know the words to. if i can sing loud it's harder to think, which is what i need to stop doing when i get like this. gets out some physical energy too. i've been singing a lot for the last week or so, my poor neighbours ears heh. it's part of the noise thing too like you said, meg.... i actually do vacuum when i'm feeling like i can't sit still with it another minute. it kind of drowns everything else out and it's kinda zen like doing dishes.... you just kinda zone out and don't concentrate on much else. it does help.

and you're right mrsl... if i'm singing i have to breathe heavier! i never thought of that but it's a good point! the doing the "one sense at a time" thing was the first thing i was taught about panic attacks (number two being belly breathing). funny though, it's the hardest one to actually remember at the time! it's like i forget to do it. i wrote those instructions on a piece of paper for my kid to take to school once so SHE would remember what to do... and here i am forgetting it myself (doh).

i understand about the hardly being able to get to the issue because the panic gets so bad first... mrsl i hope you and your t can get around that soon, i know how it makes "fixing" stuff almost freakin impossible. my anxiety isn't random right now, i know that, i know it needs to be worked out in therapy. i can talk about it some in session, but then when i bring it home (what i know i need to do after talking about it).... the panic is ten times worse all over and i only get about ten percent of the task done. i guess i just have to keep at it until i can do this without freaking.

VE the paper bag did NOT occur to me either.... damn that is a GOOD idea, because i really was hyperventilating in a big way last night (and i know i will today too, the scary event i'm freaking over will happen in stages from now til thursday afternoon) when surely i will lose my mind completely along with my oxygen levels ;) . thanks for that. i'm putting a paper bag in the bathroom so i can go in there and do it when i need to.

croix having that list is a good idea... i just have a bunch of random "habits" i've developed to deal with the anxiety, but having them written down and doing them in the order that they are actually most helpful is way more logical. you bake biscuits too? i like making those (and cinnamon rolls) because i have to knead and punch and stuff. baking is pretty high on the habit list to distract me from just about anything. i think if i tried to knit a square i'd end up stabbing someone and giving the yarn to the cats ^_^ . both my grandmothers and one great-grandmother all tried to teach me how to do that to obviously no avail heh. i'll have to make number two something else!

thanks everyone for talking me through my screeching. i woke this morning and the first thing i did after sitting up was burst into tears. even dreaming about this shit is enough to start the day this way. i'm determined i have to get into better shape over this by this afternoon, because i have to go argue with my kids gp and i WANT MY WAY so i can't look crazy or shake or anything like that. i have to look intelligent and intimidating. crying people aren't very intimidating in that way :P .

now it's time to go wake up my kid and feed her some breakfast (you'd think she was 6 not 16, damn that child is spoiled). happy face on! see! i can remain unshaken in the face of eye daggers and verbal grenades first thing in the morning! i am superlysergia! (oh lord no.)

- rita

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Lysergia, I know how you are feeling. Others have good ideas. I, unfortunately, succumb to the panic. I try to breathe through it. But when you are so panicky it is hard to do. I retreat to my bed. I know it is not the best idea, but when I am in a state of high anxiety, it feels like a sanctiorary to me. I know, bad idea, but just wanted to let you know I'm listening and can relate. Hope you get to feeling better soon. love, mel

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I just had an idea:

you screaming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

me screwming AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH

Doing this back and forth until we fall into fits of giggles. I know there's a youtube video out there like this....let me go find it.

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can i join in too

let's ALL do it!!!!

omg i am picturing all of us screeching as loud as we could. i bet it would last five seconds before one of us bursts out laughing. then we'd all be on the floor laughing and crying at the same time ;) .

well THAT's better than clonazepam in my opinion!

- rita

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i cant take having another one of these nights aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh

my brain will not leave me alone dear god someone let things shut the hell up in there just long enough to let me fall asleep, please please please

the repetitive thoughts about nothing yet make me feel terrified again and again and again until everything runs into one big ball of static electricity in my head and nothing makes sense at all and i dont understand why i feel like this and i am so angry and sad that i have to take a fucking clonazepam again just to calm down enough to sleep i got through all of the last few days without drugs to deal with this why will this not leave me the hell alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i'm just yelling and crying here until the meds kick in because i cant yell when everyone else is sleeping and i cant cry when i am this anxious its all stuck in my solar plexus and i wanna throw up but it wouldnt help anyway it would still be there

i know i'll eventually fall asleep and tomorrow it will be better again at least for awhile but right this minute it just seems unbearable to be in my own mind ;) .

i am so beating on myself right now because i took that pill i dont know why. i keep thinking that i am supposed to be handling this better than i am, that there's something i am doing that's making me this way but i can't find it, and taking a pill wont help me figure it out but once i am this overwhelmed i cant decide anything about anything how can i have an epiphany when i cant hear myself in here for all the fucking stupid panic

i cannot take fixing one more typo. and then i fixed two in that sentence and three in this one so far stupid lamictal

i'm just so damned tired

thank you for letting me be a fucking freak again

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all better now. i did sleep eventually. for the record, when i read this again - see, you were right, you knew it wouldn't last forever, the panic went away, and you did fall asleep (bizarre dreams aside). it wasn't the worst thing in the world to take a prn for like, duh when you're supposed to have them?

i am fucking miserable but i am not in a panic.

- rita

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It must be a relief to be able to breathe without the panic- for this morning anyway.

I'm really curious-why do you feel you should do this without the prn's? ( there's that pesky should again)

I'm all for figuring out the why's and who's and what's, but not at bedtime when I'm terrified out of my mind. i couldn't figure anything out if i tried. I just want to get by till therapy-or morning.

i think i've developed a different view of prn's from many. i figure if it makes it better- its worth anything. so i no longer really try to "tough it out". i find its hard enough even with the prn's.

pdoc has also told me that if I wait for the panic/anxiety to get really bad- its like its harder for the meds to "catch up" with it-that i'd be better if I take it at the first signs and then it won't have to work so hard,and it might then be able to keep it from getting to the worst of it.

I know there's all the addiction fears- my ativan tolerance is definately higher, and I absolutely need to take more to get the effect- but i figure i'll hope that its temporary and that another med will help and then i can lower the dose again.

You do whatever works for you-i'm so sorry this is continuing to be so hard. it really does suck- no simpler way to put it. take care of yourself ok?

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