Jump to content

So "mixed" I can't deal with anger at SO!

Recommended Posts

Mostly just need a place to vent

I'm in one of those can't decide if i'm depressed or hypo- so that seems to equal that greatest of places:The Mixed State! ( i think technically you can only have a mixed state with a full manic episode- but tell that to my brain right now.)

I had to cancel my one appt today- totally too jittery, tired, anxious, raw to get outside.

I spent pretty much the whole day on Sat in tears ( mostly uncontrollable crying that just wouldn't let up- and if it did- it would soon start itself up all over again.

It started when ( again) I was trying to organize the kitchen so there wouldn't be all sorts of stuff out on the counters- I can't stand that there is overflow, when we have plenty of storage and its only two of us. Noone needs this much food in the house- especially us-

Another one of those hyper-sensitive to everything, plus fury again at SO for not taking care of himself, and my running the scene over and over in my head of what to do when I find him dead.

Now i am among the most anxious paranoid phobic etc of people you will ever meet- however- this seems to be a totally realistic fear- he has every health problem in the world, severly obese ( if he could lose weight all the other stuff could resolve- diabetes, high BP, high cholesterol, sleep apnea,carries weight in the middle, ridiculously strong family history of young heart attacks and death.I just don't know what more can happen to make him take some action. I'm so scared and i'm so mad.

Its like he's an addict, but I don't know of any rehabs for obesity. His food is his heroin- I started having images of dumping out shelves worth of food onto my side of the bed. ( go fuck your food- clearly you're more in love with it than you are with me!- plus add to the list that being so heavy- sex became too strenuous- so is that it? Have I had sex for the last time in my life?

He's in such denial, and gets so defensive about it all. and i know i've been here and everywhere- i can't fix it, there's nothing i can do. it has to be up to him. yeah yeah.

Am I just killing time until I have to dial 911?

so I'm sobbing and throwing stuff around the kitchen, making lists of what not to buy when he went shopping (yes he does the grocery shopping- a whole story unto itself)

Then he comes back having bought half the stuff I specifically said not to. Including foods i am vulnerable to- and having just upped my seroquel the munchies are coming more and more frequently. I had finally lost some weight to feeling more comfortable in my skin and now that's shot to hell too.

I thought we might have company- why I started putting food away. I realized I would be so embarrased to have anyone see what we had and the huge quantities, when obviously its no secret how big he is, and that he's diabetic.

The amount of food here is Disgusting. Its revolting. Its humiliating, and any other "ing" you can think of!

when i went to help him put away the groceries, I had calmed down, until all the crap wouldn't fit- and i just got so mad and upset again and i just started throwing it around- till he just said i'll put it away- you go do what you have to ( after in the am telling him he probably should stay away from me i was in a bad place.

So I hid in the bed, crying and staring into space. finally went quickly and grabbed my night meds and ran off without a word and tucked myself in the other room- i didn't want to look at him again.

I don't want to see hear or look at another human being today. Maybe I can be asleep before he gets home tonight. anything could set me off all over.

I hate him for not caring for himself. I hate me for loving him so much that this makes me hate him. uuuuuuggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!! ( thats me screaming and pulling out my hair!)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

sweetie that's terrible. no wonder you're scared. and frustrated. and mad. i would be too.

it does sound like he has an addiction. maybe not only does he need treatment, but you could do well with an OA meeting yourself? or whatever equivalent that might be available where you live? i know living with an addict is hard. been on both ends of that.

this year, i killed my sex life because of my eating disorder. i'm getting it back now that i'm working at getting better. my ed is definitely an addiction. i hate every day of giving it up. but if i don't i'm not going to have any partner at all, and since i've had this one for twelve years i might as well keep him.

a few years back, my partner killed our sex life by refusing to go to the doctor when he was having multiple symptoms of the gastrointestinal type - for two years he wasn't able to physically have sex, either. and still would not see a doctor. and his father has had colon cancer and a brother with celiac sprue and one with lactose intolerance for crying out loud. he was letting his health and his relationship die out of fear. until one day i got sick of being scared and angry and ashamed all the time and had a complete meltdown and told him i was leaving unless he found out what was wrong. it wasn't a threat. i really couldn't take it anymore.

i was lucky i guess. he did go to a doctor and got diagnosed with celiac sprue. his body hadn't absorbed any nutrients for almost two years, and now he has to take a major vitamin boatful every morning, as well as give up all his favorite foods. but his body is healthy again. he still does not understand what two years of this put me through. i guess i don't understand what living with an anorexic did to him either.

i hope so much for you that he gets help. you don't have anything to be ashamed of. this is his choice (not to be an addict, but whether or not to fight). there isn't anything you could do or be in order to make him any different. i know it's maddening. crazymaking.

i can't help but thinking about that intervention show and how do we get them on this?

(i'm kidding. i know it's a stupid idea).

does his family have anything to say about this? his friends? do they tell him they worry?

that just sucks. i'm sorry.

- rita

Link to comment
Share on other sites

There's nothing silly about the idea of an intervention-but i don't think there's any place to send him for help.

My biggest complaint is that he refuses to have any help. I tell him that no one is going to tell him to stop eating completely and that there are many proffesionals ( nutritionists, even eating disorder therapists ) who know more than he does. apparently he doesn't agree.

His family looks to me to get him better. every family event i get it, since very early in our relationship. i used to never tell him about this. I would tell his family there was nothing I could do , its up to him. Last week his very aging grandfather said it to me again- all I could say to ease his worry was that I'm really trying. ( which is a lie, because i'm doing nothing but being upset. YOu can bet I now tell him EVERY time this happens- in one ear out the other.

Its so hard for me because I have worked so hard to give up so many behaviors- and I have to wonder how he'd cope if I were still doing them ( not to worry no plan to go back to any of that crap). Its like watching a slow suicide which i've told him. I wish I could strap him down for a gastric bypass- he's afraid he'd die in surgery- why can't he get that he's going to die without it??

When I think about it he has a very judgemental part of his personality- that people are lazy slobs and if he can work full time through high school and college to put himself through school wohtout a penny of help- then the rest of the world should too. ( we fight about this- he doesn't get the whole trapped in the system, what about daycare etc etc)

I gave up a lot.

Anyway my point is maybe I need to say to him , since i did than he should. Basically he needs to go on a diet.( i don't mean that to sound so judgmental I know how hard it is. I've gained 50lbs on meds and lost at least some of it) There's a lot of support out there if he would only use it.


I gave up every self destructive thing- self injuring, anorexia, bulimia, suicide attempts

I even gave up cigarettes!! All a lot of work but all with a lot of help.

I know i'm a mental mess, but at least i'm trying. I go to tdoc, i go to pdoc, and I try.

I understand the ED part of it he has, I truly do. I'm just so mad he won't even consider or try help.

He doesn't get it that he's killing my life right along with his. Maybe not on purpose, and maybe I shouldn't look at it that way- but this is my rant and thats how i feel.

its my party and I'll cry if i want to!!!

(sorry , I'm not usually the drama queen type-would you like to see my crown??)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have yet to utter a single sylable aloud today.

I'm afraid the second I hear my voice, I'll acknowledge the pain and I won't stop crying for days.

what a shitty day.

that does sound like a REALLY shitty day.

how are you today? any syllables? ;)

- rita

Link to comment
Share on other sites

yeah thanks-

I've managed some sylables in the past few days.

We went to a rare mtg with a couples counselor-so I did get brave and pretty much said all of what i wrote above out loud to him. He was kind of mad- felt "bashed"-

but right away he started acting different- when we went to dinner after the appt he had a diet coke instead of the usual frozen mudslide.(or 2or 3).

He ordered a salad instead of an appetizer. and the past two nights, he's clearly eaten less and started to exercise. I'm so proud- but I am trying to act layed back- I don't want to make him all self concious about it.

I even manged to cook some for him tonight, which i havn't done in ages.

It would be good if i could motivate to exercise with him- I was starting to do really well with it and had lost a little weight- but then the increase in seroquel, so basically i'm fuc&ed in that department. I don't want to gain and i don't want the obsesivness again.I feel like a slug, and still best when i'm all alone. even had to cancel tdoc yesterday because i was really sick.

Just waiting on pdoc appt Tues and possible new pdoc for consult on Thursday. We have to be able to do better than this- we have to.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...